Tethered
by Perry Downing
Summary: He's trapped, somewhere between life and death. His mother says it's because of their bond, that he can't pass into the Force until she does. So Ben watches. Watches and dies again every day he can't comfort her.
1. Chapter 1

"Ben!" Rey cries out in her sleep and if he still could, he knows he would be weeping.

"I'm right here," he murmurs, hoping that this time she'll hear him.

But she doesn't, she never does, instead turning herself into a tight ball, her whole body shaking as the sobs wrack her slender frame.

He never wanted this when he saved her. He hadn't known. Dear gods, he hadn't known! He thought she'd find peace and they would be together in time. An eternity in the Force.

Now he simply feels selfish. She's turning into a husk of herself and he'd do anything, _anything _to take this pain into himself. If only he'd had the strength to face being without her in life. He supposes it doesn't matter. Here, there, they're both hollow.

Because he's trapped, somewhere between life and death. His mother says it's because of their bond, that he can't pass into the Force until she does. So he watches. Watches and dies again every day he can't comfort her.

* * *

"I'm fine, BB-8," Rey says to the little droid, but Ben knows she's lying. She's taken to keeping herself awake for as long as possible. The nightmares and good dreams seem to torture her in equal measure.

"It's time to move on." Rey starts to secure the _Falcon_ for launch, lashing free boxes to the compartments, shutting all the hatches. She never stays in one place for long.

BB-8 chirps with concern and Rey responds, "It just is!" Then she sighs heavily as BB-8 backs away from her. "I'm sorry. I know you miss Poe, but I just … I just can't see them yet. Soon."

Rey sits heavily in the cockpit and stares out over the sharp mountains on Cathne and she gets that horrible blank look that she wears more and more. Ben can't remember the last time he saw her smile.

"Soon."

Ben wishes it were true.

* * *

He bends over to see what she's working on. Ah. Another drawing of him. Her journal is full of them and he's certain he never looked so handsome in his life. This time though, she's added her hands on his face and his non-existent heart tightens painfully.

A tear slips down her cheek and she breathes out, "I just wish we'd had time. If you'd only come with me on the _Supremacy_ … a year. A whole year together. I'd give _everything _for that much time with you. Stars, Ben!"

Now she's crying in earnest. She doesn't let herself do this much, usually only giving in when her dreams rip her open.

"I wish I had," he whispers. He'd give everything for a year of touching her, too.

He, at least, knows he's with her. He can hear her, watch her, pretend he has some influence. But she is so alone, only a droid for company. Though, perhaps the droid is a good companion, not judging her strange hours and rapid run throughout the galaxy.

"I wish I could hold you, Rey." He approximates stroking her cheek and is shocked by the shudder that moves through her. Did she feel that? Is it possible?

But she only cries harder and he backs away. He can't bear to hurt her any more than he already has.

She sets aside her journal and hides her face in her hands.

* * *

"I thought she'd be happy … content," he laments to his mother. He can't go to her, but she frequently appears. It's almost as if she knows how much he needs her.

"Maybe she will be. She just needs more time."

"It's been months."

"She's used to pushing her pain away. She loves you."

He flinches and nods sadly. "I think I always loved her."

"Maybe you did. Force dyads are funny things. There haven't been enough of them to truly know what will happen."

"What if she's like this for the rest of her life? When we're together again she'll be so damaged. Force, she might hate me."

"You'll find a way, son. You're both so strong."

Ben laughs a sound with no mirth. His mother and father may have forgiven him, but he's not sure he'll ever forgive himself.

"Luke asks about you," she says, changing the subject.

A dark feeling passes through him and he shakes his head. "I'm still not ready to talk to him."

"Perhaps that's part of why you're still in this place," she muses.

"I don't want to be anywhere else! Here … here, at least, she's right there."

She makes a face then her lips thin. "I don't think this is good for you."

"I don't care," he nearly growls.

Leia's eyebrows shoot up, but then she just smiles that private smile he doesn't know how to interpret. "I'll be back soon," she offers as she fades.

He returns his attention to Rey.

* * *

She often picks desert planets; he's not sure why. Today she lands the _Falcon_ on Quol. She packs up her satchel and he follows as she trudges down the ramp.

BB-8 makes a few annoyed whistles and Rey almost smiles. "I know you don't like sand much, but I promise I'll give you a nice oil soak when we get back."

Another hoot and Rey grows somber. "Maybe after this planet. I'm just not ready to be around people."

* * *

She's still a scavenger at heart and she's always collecting things as she travels. Be it parts for the ship, or just a pretty stone. Her collection is beginning to take over the shelves in the captain's quarters. Ben finds it charming.

"I wonder what it would be like to see the galaxy with you," Rey muses into the seemingly empty room.

"I'm here, gods, Rey, I'm right here." He places his hand over her heart, and she breathes in sharply.

"Sometimes I imagine you're with me. No, not sometimes. Always. I keep thinking I'll find you if I keep going. I'm finally seeing the galaxy and it means nothing. I wish … I wish …"

"What do you wish?" he entreats in vain.

Her shoulders heave sadly, and she blinks a few times, her eyes wet. "It doesn't matter …" she sighs.

He wants so much to be able to just talk with her! He can't even sense her properly any longer, so he's frequently guessing her moods.

She's so inscrutable, he'd thought she was going to be just fine that first week. He'd been almost hurt over it. She hadn't seemed to grieve, and he'd wondered if he'd imagined everything between them. Had she only kissed him out of gratitude?

But the night after she'd buried the sabers, she'd become hysterical. Screaming his name and beating her chest. It was the first time she'd brokenly admitted she loved him. Little BB-8 had been frantic to calm her, but it had been as if she couldn't hear him, falling to the deck, sobbing so hard he was afraid she'd stop breathing.

Since then she slips away a little more each day and the powerlessness is driving him near madness.

* * *

Peering at the hyperdrive coordinates, his mood instantly lifts. She's returning to her friends! Maybe the fog will finally lift.

As she waits for the _Falcon_ to finish its jump, she pulls out her journal and starts another picture. This time, though, he can't manage his emotions when he realizes what she's drawing. It's them … but more than that, she's cradling a small bundle in her arms and everything inside him comes to a horrible crashing halt.

A family. Rey wanted a family? With him? He'd never … well he'd never let himself think much about the future, completely focused on finding her, convincing her to be with him. He'd been so stupid. If he'd only woken up earlier … maybe none of this would have happened.

Instead he has to watch as she traces the image with her fingers, and it's almost as if she's creating cracks in his soul with her fingertips.

"Rey," he sobs out.

* * *

"You're here!" Finn exclaims as he bounds up the ramp. He captures her in a huge hug and Ben ignores the pang in his chest. If only he could hold her in his arms like that … he'd never let her go.

He doesn't let himself remember their one kiss very often. It was full of such promise, and then … then he was in this place, with a body he can feel but no one can touch.

"Why did you stay away so long! It's almost been half a year!"

"I know … I just, with everything that happened …"

"You … you never told me what _did_ happen," Finn says with poorly hidden hurt and Ben wonders why he'd ever hoped she'd return to her friends. Now that she's here he wants her all to himself again.

"I … I don't know how," Rey says in a hushed tone.

"Well come on, Poe set up a cantina for the base. We can talk there."

* * *

This is agony. The stormtrooper keeps touching her and it doesn't seem to bother her. Ben hadn't considered that being around people meant being around _men_ and he's beginning to see a glaring issue.

What if she … what if she finds someone? Will he be forced to watch her have the children of another man? Is this his punishment for all of his sins? Is that _why this has happened?_

Oh hell, Finn just put his hand on her knee. At least this time she shifts away. She's on her third glass of knock-back and her cheeks are an appealing rosy shade. For a moment he gets lost in fantasy, imagining taking her out for a night on the town on Coruscant, getting drunk together while they take in the vibrant galaxy on display.

They would dance. They would kiss. They would end the evening … no, best not to think about that. About what he'll never have. What he can't give her.

"Rey …" Finn says with an imploring tone. "Please tell me."

She snorts. "You aren't gonna like it."

"It's kept you away for so long, I just need to know."

Sighing, Rey's shoulders slump and Ben realizes she's going to tell him. It makes him have a queer feeling in his belly, the thought of Finn knowing about their bond. It's … personal. He doesn't even really like talking to his mother about it. She looks at him in that knowing way that always leaves him feeling exposed.

"I …" Tears spring into her eyes and she shudders out, "First I need to explain about dyads in the Force …"

* * *

Finn sits back, stunned and Ben's arms are crossed over his chest. Getting it out had been hard for her, and the _stormtrooper_ could at least try to make this easier for her. But instead, he has a stony look on his face.

Finally, Finn bursts out, "Kylo Ren?!"

"Shhh!" Rey snaps, swiping away the few tears that had formed as she'd recounted their bond. She didn't say a word about being a Palpatine, Ben noted.

"I just … Kylo Ren," he says with distaste.

For a moment, Ben is affronted, but then he remembers everything he did while wearing that mask and he knows he deserves this.

"Ben," Rey whispers, "I'm bonded to Ben."

"Ben, Kylo, what's the difference?"

"_Everything_," she hisses. "I don't know what happened, not really, but I know there's more to his story than we know."

Ben puts his hand over hers and she looks up quickly. "I wish I could tell you, sweetheart."

Then Finn makes a face. "What, you said 'bonded.' Didn't it go away?"

"No … at least I don't think so."

"But what does that mean? For you?"

"I … it means … it means I'll wake up every day with half of my soul," she says quietly.

"No, Rey …"

"It means I'll never be happy."

"Maybe you just need time?" Finn offers.

"I don't think I ever want to heal. At least the tear where he should be is still … him."

Finn looks at her for a long time and gathers her in for a close hug. For once, it doesn't bother Ben.

* * *

She only stays a day, floating above everything. At least she's smiled a few times.

While she preps the _Falcon_, Poe pokes his head around the corridor, his droid at his side. "So … BB-8 and I had a long talk, and he wants to stay with you."

"I don't think I'm coming back. Don't tell Finn."

He rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah … okay."

"So he should stay with you."

Poe's eyes clench shut for a moment and BB-8 whistles shrilly.

"You still want this, buddy?" he asks, crouching down next to his droid. BB-8 makes an emphatic beep.

With consternation, Poe asks, "Will you send messages? Maybe tell us where you end up?"

Trepidation flits across her face and Ben gets a feeling of foreboding. What is she planning? But finally she nods and Poe breathes out in relief.

She stops working and sits back in the cockpit chair. "He really should stay with you."

Another series of beeps and hoots, then Poe says, "His mind is made up."

There's a small quirk to her lips that comes close to a smile. "Even if that means you're gone a long time?" she asks BB-8.

One single definitive beep. "Okay, okay."

Rey stands and takes Poe's hand. "Thank you."

* * *

Dread fills him as he realizes where she's headed.

Godsdamned Jakku.

He knows how this place has hurt her, why would she come back here?

* * *

She lands the _Falcon_ near the old abandoned AT-AT Ben remembers from his trip through her head. Perhaps she's hoping to find comfort in the only home she's ever known?

But the thought is discordant, and he dismisses it immediately. She never let Jakku be her home.

The sun is setting, and she heats some dinner, eating mechanically. She never seems to find joy in even simple pleasures, always eschewing better food for the dry, tasteless field rations. All color has leeched from her life.

The first mark on the bulkhead of the _Falcon_ nearly undoes what's left of his sanity.

Rey is counting days.

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much for reading. I know that this has been a trying time for us Reylos and I hope this will help in some small way. No nicknames yet, I just couldn't poke fun. I'm hoping something will come to me as I write. I'm on tumblr if you need to commiserate, perrydowning.

I love you all.


	2. Chapter 2

_Before_

Why didn't she take his hand? He _felt_ that she'd wanted to. But no, she went for a weapon, like she _always_ does.

For days he's raged in his quarters, the gleaming white interior now ripped open like bleeding wounds. Nothing had survived his saber; there isn't anything left to destroy.

He'd promised to _destroy _her, but that's not what he wants. Not really. No, Kylo wants the scavenger, right by his side. But she's not here and nothing means more to him than having her _where she belongs_.

Chest heaving from his latest bout of fury, he finally stills. He looks down at his leather-clad hands. Why had he taken off his glove before touching her fingertips? _Knowing_ what her bare skin feels like, how beautifully connected to her he had felt, it _torments_ him. Deep in a place of memory and fantasy is when he senses her. He'd thought she'd shut down whatever is between them the moment she'd closed the door of his father's ship.

But no, there she is, as lovely and infuriating as ever. And she's been … crying?

In a moment, all of his rage from Crait just slides away. Who has hurt her? The depth of concern he feels should perplex him, but instead he simply wants to go to her.

"Rey," he whispers.

She angrily wipes away her tears. "Go away."

"You know it doesn't work like that."

Her shoulders fall, defeat permeating the very air. "I know," she acknowledges with resignation.

"You let me comfort you, once," he offers wistfully.

She snorts inelegantly. "Yeah, well, that was before, _Kylo_."

Oh, that makes him inexplicably angry, and he tries to push away that it bothers him so much to be called Kylo. But the damage is done.

"You're the one who left me on the floor," he says through clenched teeth.

"I had no choice."

"You had _every _choice," he hisses, his hurt rising in him with searing clarity. He'd offered her _everything_.

_Now_

Ben watches as she thrashes in her sleep, moaning occasionally. The ghosts of Jakku are already stalking her. How he wishes he could slide into bed with her, take her in his arms and kiss away her fear and pain.

In the year between Crait and Exogol, there had been moments, fleeting, when they'd almost found a way out of their seemingly eternal war, but his strident devotion to the dark and her nearly manic adherence to the Jedi had always risen up between them. It had been like a wall of ice, so jagged it always left his heart pierced and crying.

Force, he'd been so stupid! He knew she wanted him, the true him, but he never let it _in_. Even as her light had tempted him, taunted him, he'd redouble his commitment to the dark side. Never seeing the cost.

Because here it is, writ on her face contorted in anguish as her nightmares come for her. Every—single—damned—night.

He did this and he has no idea how to make it right.

* * *

When her eyes fly open, he expects her to leap from bed as if she's being chased like she usually does. But instead she lays there, unblinking eyes staring up at the durasteel ceiling of the _Falcon_'s sleeping quarters.

She's so still that it's eerie. What is she thinking? He sighs, remembering how he could sense her before. As much as he craves touching her, having her nestled in his consciousness is what he misses most.

Finally, she pulls herself from bed, but she moves like a sleepwalker and he slips away to let her dress.

_That_ had been a temptation he'd not been prepared for in the slightest. One would think being dead would have freed him from such thoughts, but no, he still _wants_ her. He's come close to breaking his honor a few times, his need to glimpse all that sun-kissed skin an overwhelming fire in his core.

Because she'd unleashed something in him all that time ago on Takodana. Gripping her body to him as he had crossed the battlefield, the desire to hold her so much stronger than anything he'd ever felt before.

At least he no longer dreams …

* * *

She's … scavenging? Her new lightsaber is clipped to her belt, she's apparently fallen back into her old ways and profound sadness rises in him. It's just such a waste. All her ferocity, how hard she fought to claw her way into some sort of life for herself to just surrender to the numbness of a life of toil … it makes him _ache._

It's too much and, though he knows it's useless, he tries to reason with her.

"Rey, sweetheart, this isn't what you're meant for. Please, leave this place. Find somewhere you can be happy."

But of course she doesn't respond, and she starts to crawl through an access shaft, grunting with the effort. The old carcass of the Imperial star destroyer has been thoroughly picked over, so she has to go deep into the belly of this decaying beast.

When she emerges, her face covered by cloth, she's clutching a power converter and several lengths of wiring. She already has failure etched along her spine and he just doesn't understand what she's doing.

As a Force user she doesn't need to do this. She could be with her friends, much as that idea terrifies him. Why not share her gifts with other Force sensitives? Hell, she could simply use her ability to fix anything and live a prosperous life.

"Why, why are you doing this?" he asks as he cups her cheek.

She shivers, though it's far from cold and looks around quickly. Then she shakes her head and lets out a long sigh. "I just have to wait. I know all about waiting," she says with a thick voice.

"Wait for what?" he asks, knowing he'll get no answer.

* * *

Apprehension tightens her shoulders as she walks up to an old market of some sort and it has him instantly on alert. Ben looks around the outpost, drudgery permeating everything, and he shakes his head. "Why, what are you doing?" he says to himself.

A middle-aged Crolute opens up a stall but when he sees Rey his face twists in fury. "You!"

"Plutt," she acknowledges measuredly, but her hand rests on her saber. Is Rey in danger? He's not sure he can cope with having to watch Rey fight when he can't do anything to help her.

"Where's my ship?" the Crolute growls.

"It's not your ship. It never was."

"That's not how things work in Niima, girl. You know that better than most."

Rey nods, her fingers tightening on the hilt of her lightsaber. "What do you want?"

"My ship back!"

"Well, that's not going to happen. I'm sure we can come to an agreement."

Plutt leers down on her. "I'm sure we can, girlie." A feral rage riots through Ben's body. If this degenerate lays one finger on her ...

Quickly, she ignites her saber and glares at this Plutt. "Not even if I was starving."

Plutt's eyes grow wide and he stumbles back. Gaze trained on the weapon, he shakily asks, "What did you have in mind?"

"I'll pay for it." She extinguishes her saber and replaces it at her hip before reaching into her satchel. Rey pulls out all of the credits she's managed to accumulate during her travels from doing odd repairs and the chip that Finn had made her take back when she first set off on her own.

Eyeing the funds, Plutt says, "What about all the time you've been gone? You're still mine. I'm owed a year and a half of scavenge." The reminder that she'd been _sold_ rankles Ben.

"I'll work it off," she suggests.

Hearing this, Ben immediately sees her life spin out in front of him. Just this, hacking her life out of desiccated technology, living in this barren hellscape and he cries out, "No! Rey, you can't do this to yourself!"

She looks slightly to her right and for one moment he thinks she might have heard him. "Please, anything but this. You deserve so much more. Please, please!"

But she blinks and looks back at Plutt. For a moment he hopes she'll just cut this filth down, but instead she only sighs and nods.

Chuckling, Plutt smugly declares, "Half the rate for whatever you bring me. Always were my best scavenger. Should only take you a few years."

"But wouldn't that be a year and a half?"

Smiling a grotesque smile, he says, "Interest."

Any hint of fire within her is completely absent when she shrugs. "Fine. It's not like I'm going anywhere."

The Crolute's satisfied laugh makes Ben feel the stirrings of Kylo Ren. Rey only turns and walks back to her speeder.

* * *

Sitting in the sands, she wolfs down her dinner, and Ben sits next to her, still trying to work out what she's doing here.

BB-8 whistles mournfully.

"I told you you should have stayed with Poe."

The rude noise the droid emits makes his opinion on _that _quite clear.

"I'm always lonely. He's gone. He told me I wasn't alone, but now I'll be alone forever," she says to the wind, not really talking to the droid.

Ben's eyes clench shut, trying to keep out the pain. He hadn't meant to lie to her. He'd meant to give her a home, right inside his heart. Well, she is as deeply embedded in him as anyone could be, but she can't feel him. She _is _alone, and no matter where she is, he's damned her to an unfathomable solitude.

The sharp, panicked sound coming from BB-8 sounds like Ben feels. Rey is dimming more and more each day and he's beginning to wonder if any of her will be left when they're finally reunited.

Will it matter that he'll never leave her side?

BB-8 continues to blare his distress.

"There's nothing you can do. All that is left to me is to wait."

The droid that once caused him such frustration makes a sound of query.

"What am I waiting for?" She looks out across the dunes. "I'm waiting to die."

Now both the BB-8 and Ben are stunned into frozen inaction. "No …" he breathes out.

The little orange sphere rolls right up to Rey and nudges her with his head.

"Luke was right. It's time for the Jedi to end. Who knows, if I'm lucky, I'll fall and break my neck."

"NO!" Ben exclaims as he goes to his knees and takes her face in his hands.

Her eyes go wide and she whispers, "Ben?"

"Yes! Rey, I'm here, I'm right here!" he says eagerly. Has he finally broken through?

But the excited light in her eyes goes out and her face crumples. "I'm going mad."

Then she turns in on herself and begins to sob. "Ben … Ben … Ben …"

BB-8 tries to comfort her, but it's as if she can't see either the droid or himself.

"I'm here, I'm here!" he calls out desperately. But it's no use, she's lost to her grief and if he _had _managed to reach her, even if only for a moment, she's too far gone to hear him.

All he can do is curl himself around her curved form, hoping that somehow, some part of her can feel him.

* * *

They're both completely wrung out when she drags herself back to the falcon, BB-8 obediently at her heels. With vacant eyes, she goes to the durasteel with the first mark and silently scratches a second one. It's almost as if she's gouging her own flesh.

Slowly, her fingers trace the impression and she desolately turns and walks to her quarters.

Ben stands there for a long time, simply staring at her new wall of days. It's so much worse than he'd ever imagined it could be.

* * *

"We're concerned for her," his mother says as she appears in the non-place that is his new home.

"Then tell her I'm here!" he exclaims. They've gone round and round on this since almost the beginning. Leia can at least appear to Rey.

"I've told you, we can't."

"You mean won't."

"I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. If anyone can reach her, it has to be you."

"Well thank you for that. I always did have to do everything myself," he spits with years of hurt seeping from his tone.

His mother looks at him with reproach but doesn't say anything. Ben sighs and mutters, "I'm sorry."

"I know I never knew how to be the mother you needed," she admits softly.

"No … no. No one could have protected me; I see that now."

"I did try, son," she says, deep anguish blooming on her face.

"I know you did. I know."

"Luke-"

"Please, not now, mom." He's still trying to come to grips with what's happening to Rey and the storm that man ignites in him would _not_ be helpful.

"Alright, alright."

* * *

The days begin to blur together into the monotonous tone of the shifting sands. She wakes up, readies for the day, spends it doing back-breaking labor, Plutt, her one meal for the day, and a night full of thrashing torment. Another mark on the wall.

She doesn't even draw any longer.

BB-8 continues to try to coax her out, but apart from giving him the occasional half-smile, it never works.

Ben tries so hard to reach her. Whispering to her how he feels. He's been embarrassingly candid when he knows he'd actually stumble over his words of devotion.

She's growing alarmingly thin, her skin pale and her face drawn. He remembers how light she'd been when he'd had her in his arms when he took her. But somehow, this seems worse.

She's sleeping, and for a moment she seems peaceful. He's lying next to her, as has become his custom. It pricks at him; what could have been. But he's close to her and can tell himself he's guarding her sleep.

"Oh, Rey … I wish I knew how to reach you," he murmurs.

"M'too," she mumbles in her slumber.

He swiftly goes up on one elbow. Had she heard him? "Rey?"

"Ben," she breathes out.

"I'm here!"

"Alone. Gone."

"No! You're not alone!"

"Always alone," she slurs with a sleep thick tongue.

Then tears begin to leak from her eyes, and Ben frantically wraps an arm around her. "Please, Rey, hear me!" he begs.

And then he's tumbling, tumbling into her. Into her dream. Her nightmare.

BR

He's back on Exogol, the pallid gray permeating everything. And Rey is locked in the moment he died.

Ben watches as he falls back, Rey clutching his hand. It's decidedly strange to watch himself die. There's horrified understanding running through her and he can see the exact moment she realizes he's gone.

As his body fades away, Rey's hollow, impossibly young eyes become tortured and she cries out, "Come back!"

Then she's choking on her tears as the sobs rip their claws into her. She crawls to where he'd been and gathers up all that remains of him. His clothes. She holds them close to her chest and rocks back and forth like a small child.

He hadn't known this, and his heart breaks for the hundredth time as she cradles the fabric, grief tearing through her. Apparently, she _had_ had a moment of true grieving before she packed it all away.

Then her tears stop, and she stiltedly stands. As she walks back to her ship, he belatedly realizes she'd kept his clothing.

Oh, Rey.

But then she's torn right back to the moment of his death and he realizes she's about to live through it again and he can't bear to let that happen to her.

Quickly, he reaches down and grasps her by the shoulders, pulling her away from his corpse. Shocked that he can touch her, _feel_ her it takes him a moment to act. But then he's spinning her in his arms and she looks up at him.

For the first time in months, he sees recognition in her eyes.

"Ben?"

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry I'm not managing a chapter a day like I did with 'Unbidden', but this one is more emotionally draining. I'll update as frequently as I can, however. Thank you all so much for such an amazing response to the latest Pain Train. Your enthusiasm spurs me to write.


	3. Chapter 3

"Rey! Oh, thank the gods!" Rey can see him!

She's in his arms and he can't quite believe he can touch her, actually _touch _her. Rightness flows between them and he feels like he's going to start crying from the beauty of it. He's been focused on how Rey has deteriorated, but having her held close makes him see how his own heart has been starving for its mate.

Her face fills with awe and a trembling hand lifts to his face. "Ben?"

"Yes! It's me, I'm here!"

The feel of her soft fingers on his face has him stunned for a moment. There had been a few times since Crait that she'd touched him, but it was always fleeting, always fraught. Even when they'd shared their one kiss, it had been over far too quickly.

He reaches up and presses her fingers against his cheek and his throat tightens. She just feels so good and tears spring to his eyes.

Her gaze hungrily roams his face, but then her expression cracks and she's pulling away.

"Rey?" What's wrong? He desperately needs her back in his arms; he's not sure he can bear to ever let her go again.

"You're not real," she declares flatly.

"No! I am. I've been with you this whole time." If she doesn't believe him, what is he going to do? It's slowly ripping their souls to shreds to be apart and he's not sure they'll survive a lifetime of it.

"I've finally lost my mind," she argues.

"I promise, I'm right here."

She shakes her head. "I would have felt you."

"I've been trying so hard to reach you. I talk to you every day. Sometimes, when I touch you, it seems like you can almost feel me."

Rey stills, thinking hard. "I … I've wondered sometimes."

"Please, please believe me."

Looking up at him, her expression wavers. "I want to."

"I'm here. I'll never leave you."

Rey scoffs. "Everyone always leaves me."

"Not me," he proclaims fervently. "I will always come back for you."

Tremulous hope blooms in her eyes and she simply stares at him, longing playing on her face. "You came for me on Exegol."

"Of course I did. We're bound, then, now, forever."

"I … I want to believe you."

Cautiously, he opens his arms. "Believe me. I'm here, right here."

Then she's flowing into him with a single sobbed, "Ben."

As he tightens his arms around her, a peace like he's never known fills him. "Yes, Rey."

She shakes in his embrace, relieved tears making her shudder and he holds her even tighter. Bliss suffuses him and he murmurs, "I've got you."

"Ben, Ben, Ben."

"Yes, sweetheart. I'm here."

Her face lifts and he's not sure he's ever seen anything so beautiful as her large, wet eyes. "I've missed you so much. So much."

"We're not meant to be apart."

"Then why did you leave me?" she sobs.

"I didn't want to, but I couldn't face letting you die. I needed you to have the life you always deserved."

"I deserve to be half a person, always waiting?"

"I didn't know, I didn't know," he moans, facing her pain cuts into him like a jagged knife. "I thought you could find happiness …"

"Without you?" she asks plaintively.

"I hoped."

"Well, you were wrong," she throws at him, accusation woven fiercely through every word.

"I know, I know. I've watched; I've seen what it's done to you."

Then she's burying her face in his chest and she just weeps as he tries to soothe her by stroking her back tenderly.

"I wanted to die," she chokes out. "Why didn't you just let me die?"

"Because I knew I wouldn't survive it."

"And I have?" she asks, her small hands clutching at him.

"You're so much stronger than I am; I thought you'd find your way through it."

She scoffs into his shirt and then stills, laying her face against his chest. Slowly, her tears stop, and he just holds her. Holds her like he's dreamt of since the moment he first laid eyes on her.

Timidly, he raises his hand and does something he's wanted, so badly, to do. He undoes one of her buns and runs his fingers through her hair, savoring how the silken strands feel against his skin. He'd hated how she'd put it back up after Crait. Her hair is meant to be free and wild, like she is.

She hums a contented sound and he smiles. She looks up and now she's smiling, too.

"Your smile. It haunted me," she whispers.

He knows. She'd drawn it over and over, berating herself that she couldn't get it right.

Tracing his lips with her fingers, she says, "I'd wanted to see you smile for such a long time."

"You make me want to smile. I haven't smiled, really smiled, for … well … years."

"What happened to you?" she asks, her sincere concern making him feel more cared for than he thinks he ever has.

But the reminder of everything makes the smile fall from his face and he finds he can't talk about it; not yet. He wants to—he wants her to know everything, to share all that's inside him with her. But not now; not when she's finally in his arms.

"I'll tell you, I will. Just not now, not yet."

She nods slightly and her eyes keep going to his lips. He wants to kiss her, too, but he's nervous. He thinks he knows where he stands with her, but he's never quite believed that she really kissed him.

Because Rey is made of far finer stuff than he is and deserving her had never really crossed his mind. He'd pursued her, needed her, but beyond the dreams, gods, those dreams, he'd never allowed himself to imagine simply _being_ with her.

"I want …" she whispers, her eyes flitting to his lips again.

"Tell me," he says in a husky voice.

"I want …"

"Anything. I'll give you anything."

Mischief dances in her eyes and she queries with a quirked brow, "Anything?"

"Don't you know … don't you know how much I … what you mean to me?" he stutters out. He wants to tell her he loves her, but just like he can't seem to kiss her, his nerves hold him in check. He hadn't missed this aspect of Ben Solo.

Now she looks at him shyly. "I think so." She takes in a deep breath, clearly gathering her courage. "Show me?"

He'd hoped she'd kiss him again, save him from his trepidation. But she's asked and he'll always give her whatever she wants.

Slowly, with trembling hands, he cups her face with his fingers, cradling her cheeks so gently. He holds her eyes, pleading for permission and she makes a small nod of assent. He takes a deep breath then his lips descend on hers.

It's clumsy at first, not that fierce crashing of lips on Exegol. He wants to be gentle, but he doesn't really know what he's doing. All he knows is that simply touching her mouth with his own sends a thrill of electricity shooting through his entire being.

This, this is what he was built for and they slowly start to make sense of it all. He tilts his head and feels his nose slide against hers, adding a bit of tenderness as he begins to move his lips. She meets him and soon he needs more.

His fear melts away and he questingly flicks his tongue along her upper lip. He's thrilled when she answers in kind. It doesn't take them long to figure out what they're doing, and their hands start to move over each other as their tongues tangle.

Pleasure tightens throughout him and he's pleased to discover that his body feels entirely real in Rey's dreams. Then he's a bit alarmed as he senses just how real it all is as he hardens against her. He tries to shift away; he doesn't want to frighten her with the intensity of his desire.

But she pulls him back to her, and between kisses, she murmurs, "It's alright. I feel it, too."

Oh, gods, he's never felt anything as incredible as her hot mouth and lithe body pressed against him and he's not sure his heart won't hammer out of his chest. The tether between them sings with joy and a completion he could never have fathomed.

Is this what a life with her would be like? If this is what kissing her does to him …

Godsdamn, she's started to make little mewls of pleasure, and if that doesn't make him as hard as he's ever been, he doesn't know what would. It's all tumbling so wildly, and he can't think. He hasn't even told her he loves her, and he realizes they have to slow down.

Besides, they're still surrounded by the evil pallor of Exegol and like hell he takes this any further near the taint of Palpatine.

Gently, he slows his caresses and leans his forehead against hers, panting harshly. "Rey …"

"Ben …" she answers.

"I've wanted this from the very first moment; wanted you. But …"

"But?" she asks, fear ghosting her face.

"There's so much to say, so much to talk about."

Her face draws into the most adorable little pout that makes him have to kiss her again, but he keeps himself from losing control, drawing back before the wildfire comes for them.

"What if this is the only time we have?" she asks, her tone broken by years of disappointment.

"No … no. Even if I can only visit you in your dreams, I'll come to you every night."

"What if I can't remember?" she asks, her hands nearly derailing his brain as they run through his hair.

"Then I'll just find another way. I told you; I'm not leaving you."

"You've really been with me, the whole time?"

"As soon as you left Exegol, I was at your side."

Her eyes fill with awed joy. "We're really together?"

"We'll always be together."

The beaming grin that breaks across her face makes his chest feel far too small for his heart, but then his vision begins to tunnel, and he can feel her being ripped from his arms. She holds out her hands and screams, "Ben!"

He tries to reach for her, hold her to him, but it's useless. She's gone.

* * *

Swiftly, back on the _Falcon_ he sits up and finds Rey awake and crying softly, whispering his name. She has her arms wrapped around herself as she rocks back and forth.

"It was so real," she shudders out.

That's when it hits him. She thinks it was just a dream.

He can be with her, touch her, but she won't remember it's really him.

* * *

Ben didn't think she could look any worse; he was wrong. She moves like every step is along broken glass, pain lining her in a way that crushes him.

Is this what it will do to her for him to visit her dreams?

The mark for today is particularly deep and she doesn't even eat her bland portions.

He stays away that night, silently crying as she's plagued by nightmares.

* * *

Furiously, he paces in his non-place. He can't take more of her pain, more of this Force-be-damned powerlessness.

While he doesn't want to rage like he used to, he wouldn't mind being able to break something. He was so close! He had her in his arms, was talking with her, but it hurts her too much. He can't do that to her. He's already been so selfish.

"Oh, son," he hears his mother say.

Swiftly, he turns to find Leia smiling at him sadly.

"What do I do?" he wails.

"You just have to keep trying. You've already made contact."

"But did you see what it did to her?" Maker, it's killing her, this grief.

"You'll find a way; I know you will."

"Can't you just tell me?" he nearly begs.

Conflict and sorrow fill her eyes and she shakes her head.

"You want to, though. I can feel it."

"I hate how much you're hurting; how much you both are," she equivocates.

"If you'd only explain it to her!"

"I want to; I truly do … but …"

"You can't. I know," he says with defeat.

Letting out a great sigh, he steels himself for what he knows he has to do.

"I'm ready," he acknowledges tersely.

With a raised brow, Leia asks, "For what?"

"_Him_," Ben spits.

"He won't tell you, either."

"Great, more cryptic Jedi nonsense."

"There's wisdom there, if you pay attention. And you're right, he might be able to help you."

"Tell him I'll do it. I'll talk to him."

"And will you listen, as well?"

"No promises," he growls.

Leia nods somberly. "I wish I'd known what he did to you. I would have torn the galaxy apart to find you."

He looks at her, anguish filling his eyes. "But not for Kylo Ren. Luke fought for Vader; neither of you fought for me."

She breathes in sharply. "I …"

"It doesn't matter," he says with resignation. "All that matters is Rey."

* * *

BB-8 circles her worriedly. She's barely eaten anything in days and Ben is beside himself with worry. Is this her plan? Starve herself to death? And where the hell is Skywalker? Probably too much of a coward to face him.

"You have to eat," he pleads. But she just continues to stare at nothing as she sits in the cockpit of the _Falcon. _She hadn't even bothered to scavenge today.

Ben puts his hands on her shoulders and bends over, murmuring in her ear, "Rey, you have to eat. Don't do this to yourself, please."

Her spine straightens for a moment and she looks around suspiciously. It really is seeming more and more like he can influence her, if only slightly.

Kissing her cheek, he breathes out, "Please."

He almost sobs in relief when she stands and goes to the galley.

She eats a whole portion and he's not sure he's ever been so happy to see dry, blue quick bread.

* * *

He can't take it any longer. Her nightmare is making her scream out in such terror, he decides he'll just intercede, save her from her fear. He won't stay. He won't talk to her.

Again, he puts his arm over her in her sleep and finds himself in the midst of chaos. Palpatine is torturing a version of himself with lightning and Rey is on her knees, begging him to stop. Ben flinches with the sense memory of Snoke's special brand of training.

"I'll do whatever you want," she pleads with a raw voice.

"It's too late for that, granddaughter!" the grotesque living corpse sneers.

"Let him go! I'll do it! I'll pledge myself to the dark side!"

"You're too tainted with light. With _love_," Palpatine spits.

"Please, please stop hurting him."

At this point, Ben watches as her dream version of him finally starts to scream, and Rey begins to crawl towards Palpatine. "You're killing him! Take me; let him go!"

"Oh, I plan on taking both of you!"

Ben finally remembers why he's there and springs into action. This is a dream; it isn't real.

Focusing his will, he reaches out his hand, hoping his years of wielding the Force will help him control her dreams. Just as he imagines the web of the Force tightening when he lifts an object, he imagines that same web flying apart.

He waves his hand, and everything melts away, leaving them on the dunes of Jakku. He frowns. Why hadn't he imagined the lush forests of Endor instead?

But Rey blinks quickly, looking around swiftly.

"Ben?" she asks.

He should go. Leave her now that she's no longer in torment. But he can't. He just can't leave her.

"Rey," he breathes out reverently.

"Ben!" she cries out with excitement. Then she's flinging herself into his arms and he stumbles as he catches her.

"Where have you _been_? I waited!"

Hang on. She remembers? "You … you know I'm real?"

"Aren't you?" she asks, doubt crowding the happiness off of her face.

"Yes!" he exclaims. "I'm real. It's truly me."

"You said you'd come to me every night," she says in a hurt tone.

"I wanted to, gods, did I want to, but you were so desolate after the first time. You thought I was just a dream."

"I don't care. I need you. If it hurts later, so be it."

Ben makes a face. "I don't … I don't want to hurt you. I've hurt you enough," he admits somberly.

She takes his face in her hands and whispers, "We've hurt each other enough."

"Let's stop doing that," he says with a quirk of his lips.

"I know just where to start." She goes on her toes and gives him the sweetest kiss, full of promise.

He pushes away what tomorrow will bring and loses himself in her mouth.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, for signing up for another Pain Train!

Thank you, Readers! I am grateful beyond words for every hit, follow, favorite, and review. You're wonderful response feeds my muse like nothing else!


	4. Chapter 4

When her hand grasps him through his trousers, he nearly chokes. Oh, gods, oh, gods. She starts to slide her hand over his aching erection and, holy hell, it makes his eyes roll to the back of his head with pleasure. No one has ever touched him like this; that it's _Rey_ makes it almost more than he can process.

But wait. _No_. They have to talk. To plan. He doesn't know how long they have before Rey will wake up and he can't leave so much unsaid.

Gulping for air, he stills her hand and steps back, putting needed and hated distance between them. "Much as I would very much like to continue this, we can't get carried away."

"I don't see why not," she says with a hint of frustration. "Haven't we waited long enough?"

Is she suggesting … oh, Maker, she _is_. And he wants to, wants _her_, but it just doesn't sit well with him. He's also skeptical about their options in the dunes of Jakku.

"I want to court you. Properly," he admits. Stars, what if he can't manage that? He only knows what he's seen in holofilms and Uncle Lando's stories. He certainly can't use his _parents_ as a guide.

"What?" she asks with incomprehension.

He's already messing this up. "We've never really had the opportunity to talk about simple things. We were locked in a desperate battle for our souls … or soul, rather. I know you, so deeply. But I want to know the trivial, the surface you, too."

"You mean like what's my favorite color?" she asks sarcastically.

"Don't tease. This matters to me."

Her face grows serious. "I'm sorry." She takes a deep breath. "So, uhm, what does _courting _mean?"

Ben blinks. "Uhm." How does he explain this to her? "Spending time together," he offers lamely.

"But not … physically." Her expression makes it clear what she thinks about _that_.

He runs his hand through his hair in consternation. "Well, no … I do want to explore that, of course I do, but I also want to … take you places. I can show you anything here. Courting … it's … it's also about respect. Showing … intent." Now he's beginning to blush. He's not explaining this at all well.

Sighing, he tries again. "How did it work on Jakku, when people … cared for each other?" Why can't he just tell her he loves her?

"Oh, well usually you'd just move your bed roll to whichever one of you had a better shelter."

Now it's Ben's turn to look confused. "But … what about before?"

"Before what?" she asks innocently.

"They decide they're … suited." Force, he sounds like an idiot.

"There's not really time for anything else, people just decide and see how it works."

Ben's head is spinning. On Jakku they simply begin cohabitating? Though, he supposes that's exactly what they're doing. She just can't see him.

"Well … in most of the galaxy it's a bit more complicated. You spend time talking, learning more about each other, usually exploring the more … intimate side of your relationship as things …" He pauses, searching for the right word. "Progress." At least that's how he thinks it works.

"And that's what you want, with me?"

"Yes, I want …" He wants to show her every honor he can, not just take her to bed like it means nothing. It would mean everything. His jaw works and he says, "I want to do this right."

"It would be nice to spend time together. And I can't exactly just move my bed. I'm already sleeping in the _Falcon_!"

Several things occur to him at once. She's already staying somewhere that can be argued is his. Does that mean what she's implying? But what really tears into him is the casual way she talks of moving _her _bed, a way that speaks of experience, and his eyes narrow.

"What?" she asks.

Clearing his face, he thinks fast. It's none of his business if she's been with another man. Yes, it would gut him, likely leave him seething with jealousy and a great deal of doubt. He'd never been able to so much as look at another; his whole being primed and waiting for her. But maybe their bond didn't affect her in the same way.

"What?" she repeats.

"It's none of my business," he tries to say gently but instead only manages to bite it out.

She rolls her eyes. "Well that's new for you. You've been in my head, Ben."

And if another's been in her body, he might just lose his mind, but he takes a few quick breaths. "What you've done before we met shouldn't be of concern to me," he says, finally sounding almost normal.

"What are you talking about?"

"If you've … moved your bed before." He can't keep the sadness from his tone.

"Oh! No, I never did. Never wanted to. Not until … you," she says sheepishly.

"But … you, the way you said it …"

"Ben … were you, were you _jealous_?"

He wants to deny it, but he doesn't want to lie to her. "Yes," he admits softly.

Now her brow raises. "You're ten years older than I am, don't you think that's a little hypocritical of you?"

"What? No!"

Ferocity rises in her eyes with a roiling fire. "Oh, so if I'd rolled around with another man-"

"Stop."

"-you get to be jealous-"

"No, Rey, listen!"

"When I'm sure you've been with-"

"I've never touched anyone but you!"

"-half the—wait, what?"

"I said I've never touched anyone but you. Not in that way, at least." He does feel strange about that. He used to wonder what was wrong with him when women—and a few men—had made their interest known. All he'd ever felt was revulsion.

Her eyes go wide and then her cheeks absolutely flame. "Oh."

"I never understood, not until I figured out what had happened to us. I thought I was broken."

"Me, too," she says quietly. "I just … I never wanted …"

"Neither did I. Not until I saw you." Then, Maker, how he'd _wanted_.

She places her hand on his bicep and looks up at him with a rueful smile. "_That_ was confusing."

"Hmm?" He gathers her up in his arms and breathes in her scent. He's never going to get used to being allowed to just touch her like this.

"Imagine feeling that for the first time while strapped in that _thing_."

He winces. "I am sorry-"

"Stop. I know. We can't go over everything that we did to each other and move forward."

He frowns deeply. He's not sure they can _without_ going over everything. He fiercely needs to apologize over and over again for how badly he's treated her in the past. Now he can't even fathom how he could have been so brusque and cruel.

"So … courting." She says the word like she's unsure of it.

"Tomorrow … I have an idea of something I'd like to do with you." He hopes his idea will please her.

A positively wicked expression crosses her face. "Well, I have some ideas about things I'd like to _do with you_."

His belly swoops at her insinuation, and a very large part of him wants to conjure a giant bed, but he takes a deep breath, telling certain parts of his body to be patient. But then she's kissing him again and they never manage to talk about when she's awake before she's fading away from him.

* * *

He finds Rey staring up at the ceiling, her eyes thankfully dry. She doesn't seem like a woman whose been thoroughly kissed, but she's not overly sad, either.

But then her fingertips drift to her lips and there's a ghost of a smile trailing her fingers. Then the bleakness returns, and she breathes out, "Oh, Ben … I wish … I wish it were real."

Damn. She still doesn't remember.

Fortifying himself for another day of her oppressive sadness, he nearly staggers when she goes the galley and heats up a proper ration of bantha steak and tor root. She digs into it with relish and he allows himself a small moment of hope.

* * *

She's dressing for bed as he waits in the non-place, finding it harder to control himself now that he knows what her body, soft and warm, feels held close to his. It's almost time for her to sleep and he's beyond eager to see her properly again.

He'd been nearly effusive in his one-sided conversation today, telling her of all the places he wants to take her. The magical oceans of Sheytaya, the snowy forests of Shenden. Even the lava fields of Ken have their charm.

Tonight though, tonight he wants to start off simple. Much as he'd like to take her to the opera at the Grand Coruscant Opera House, watch as she learns of the Lyren's exceptional talents, he knows he needs to work up to something like that. He's not even sure if she's ever worn a dress.

Fantasizing of the possibilities—and quashing the terror that he'd get it wrong—had kept him from imagining more intimate details; not something his body agreed with.

Tapping his fingers against his thigh, he's waiting, not at all patiently, when he hears his name in an extremely unwelcome voice. He whirls around and there he is.

Luke Skywalker.

He acknowledges him with a stiff nod, but doesn't say anything. They stare at each other in something akin to a standoff when Luke's shoulders fall, and he lets out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry, Ben."

After all he's gone through to reclaim that name, hearing it from Skywalker makes him flinch. Not that Kylo would be any better.

"For what?" he responds tersely.

"For doubting you."

Ben snorts in contempt. "You always did."

"That's not true."

"Really? Then why would you never acknowledge my hard work? Why did you keep me at arm's length? I'm your nephew!"

"Attachments are forb-"

"I swear to the Maker, if you start going on about that Jedi claptrap, I will never listen to another word you have to say. Attachments _saved me._"

Luke nods. "So they did. Rey was right. About you."

"_She_ has faith in me. Something my _family _never did."

"That's not true. Your father-"

"Don't. You don't get to speak of him."

Luke holds up placating hands. "Alright. Alright." His face grows ashen. "I made so many mistakes."

"Is that what trying to murder your sister's son in his bed is called these days? A mistake?" he asks furiously.

Luke's eyes clench shut for a moment. "I know that's what it seemed like … I can't even imagine how betrayed you must have felt."

"After learning about Vader; I was getting used to it."

"We only wanted to protect you-"

"Protect yourselves, you mean. From the darkness in me."

Dipping his head in acknowledgement, Luke says, "We never knew how to help you."

"Why not try talking to me? Believing in me? Like she does."

"We didn't know how. I don't think you understand what it did to your mother to know that the man who destroyed her home was her father."

He'd never thought about that before and it immediately reminds him of Rey. She never says anything about finding out who her grandfather is, that he had her parents killed. Will the knowledge fester in her as it did his mother?

Luke takes a step towards him and Ben steps back, looking at his old master with warning in his eyes.

"She feared the blood in her veins, feared what she might have passed on to you."

"The dark was always in my nature."

"Was it, or was it the Emperor, twisting you?"

He hasn't been able to think too much about that; what the voices truly did to him. "I don't know," he admits hesitantly.

"We all have darkness in us. But you, you fought it for 23 years, all while being preyed on by a much stronger force. You're so strong, Ben. I should have seen it, seen what Rey did. Your nature has always been intensely light."

Something seizes in his chest and he begins to shake his head. He doesn't want to hear this, this unravelling of him.

Quickly, he changes the subject. "Why won't you tell Rey I'm here?"

A flash of embarrassment flares in Luke's eyes and Ben tilts his head in query.

"Well, the short answer is that I can't."

"Of course you can! Or is the great Luke Skywalker not powerful enough?"

"Oh, I could, for a while. But … not now. Not after meddling so much."

"What?"

"The Force appears to be … angry with me. We tried to go to her, to talk to her … comfort her once we saw what was happening. But … we can't."

Hysterical laughter begins to bubble up in his chest. "Are you telling me the Force sent you to your room?"

Luke frowns; he never did have much of a sense of humor. "All that matters is you truly are the only one who can reach her. And you are. Keep going. You will find a way."

"I don't suppose you have any practical suggestions," Ben remarks acerbically.

"No … just a feeling. That you're on the right path."

"Forgive me for not trusting you."

"Trust me; don't. Would it change your course of action?"

"No … no." Nothing will make him abandon Rey. Not now. Not _ever_. In fact, Rey is likely asleep by now. "I need to go to her."

"May I visit you again?"

Ben thinks a long time and gives him one begrudging nod, not even sure why he does.

* * *

"Where are we?" she asks, her face bright and open as she takes in the massive trees and dappled sunshine. "I didn't know trees could grow so tall!"

"They're the tallest in the galaxy. We're on the forest moon of Endor."

"It's magical," she effuses. Relief fills him; so far, so good.

"I had hoped you would like it. This is where my father asked my mother to marry him."

"Really?"

"Well, I'm actually not sure he's the one who did the asking. I just know this is where they decided it was time. They'd been dancing around each other for years."

"Hmm, seems to run in the family." A shadow passes through her face and it confirms Ben's fears. Rey _is_ afraid of what it means to be the grandchild of the Emperor. But he doesn't know how to broach the subject; not yet, at any rate.

He concentrates a moment and is pleased to find himself holding an approximation of the luncheon basket his mother used to prepare. He unfurls the blanket in a small clearing then kneels down to begin unpacking their meal, nervously checking the contents.

"What's this?"

"When I was a child, my mother used to take me to the forest near our home. She'd pack the most wonderful treats and we'd eat under the canopy. It's a … precious memory." She seems to be enjoying his plans for her, and he finally begins to relax.

"And you wanted to share it with me," she says as she crouches next to him.

"I want to share everything with you."

Rey frowns. "I don't have anything to share with you."

"That can't be true," he offers, sitting down and encouraging Rey to sit between his legs, her back resting against his torso.

Oh, he likes this. He feels as if he has Rey completely protected in the shelter of his limbs. He knows she's more than capable of looking after herself, but some primal part of him feels it's his duty, his honor to keep her safe from anything that might harm her.

She hums slightly. "I suppose not all my memories from childhood are bad. We used to play catch me if you can in the old wrecks. No one ever found me," she says with a grin as she twists to look up at him.

"I would have found you," he murmurs, lost in the shifting greens and browns of her eyes.

"You always find me," she agrees.

"Yes. I do." Then he bends forward and steals a spark of a kiss.

She begins to turn in his arms, clearly intent on something other than food, but he stops her. "Patience, you eager thing. First, I'm going to feed you."

Her eyes light up and he snickers. It's such a relief to see her excited about eating again. He roots around in the basket and pulls out the soft, white cheese he remembers loving as a boy. It's a bit awkward to manage to spread it on the hearty bread while keeping Rey in his embrace, but he manages.

He's about to hand it to her when she opens her mouth expectantly. The way her petal pink lips glisten, that tempting tongue waiting for treats, it makes him wish he hadn't stopped her. But he takes a deep breath and holds out the bread and cheese.

She takes a ridiculously huge bite, and now her cheeks are puffed out like a squellor's. She looks perfect and he grins down on her.

Swallowing down her bite, her eyes dance. "Ben, oh my gods, that's so good!"

"It's Alderaanian whilk cheese. A favorite when I was a boy."

She eyes the remaining piece of cheese-slathered bread and says, "More?"

Fantastically pleased with himself, he hands it to her and begins to prepare what's next.

* * *

"I've decided I like courting," she says with finality as they lay side by side, looking up at the lush green of the forest.

"Well then, I'll just have to keep doing it. I have so much to share with you." And if the next outing goes as well as this one, he might eventually feel like he knows what he's doing.

"It doesn't seem fair. My life on Jakku was so empty."

"It could never be empty. It had you, the rarest and most precious thing in the galaxy," he blurts out, causing his cheeks to heat. He sounds like the bad holonovels his father used to read when he thought no one was looking.

But she's not laughing. Instead she's looking at him with a vulnerability that makes his heart tighten.

"I don't know who I am, not now," she says bleakly.

"I do. You're Rey. And you're mine."

"I … I've always wanted to belong."

"And now you do. With me."

She smiles softly, then she's rolling on top of him. "I do, don't I?"

"Yes," he says simply.

Then she's kissing him and any of the remaining tension shifts to tension of an altogether different sort. She begins to kiss along his neck and it goes straight to his core. He whimpers helplessly when she begins to nibble on his ear.

How is he meant to survive this with his sanity intact?

He's quite certain he won't when she breathes into his ear, "Time for dessert."

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, for putting up with how impatient I am to post and reading like a speed demon.

Thank you, Readers! I didn't think I'd get another chapter out until Tuesday, but your enthusiasm fed my muse and she even decided to stow away her feels murdering knives. I'm beyond grateful to have you here; thank you.


	5. Chapter 5

_Before_

She's crying again, and his need to end whomever is responsible surprises him with its visceral strength.

Kylo shrinks back, hoping she won't notice him, watching as her shoulders shake with quiet sobs. A part of him knows this plays well into his plans; a broken Rey would be so easy to turn. But another, foreign part simply wants to take away her pain.

Maybe he could have both? If he could show her the affection she'd always craved, she'd be so very malleable. His fantasies weave together tightly around his heart. Rey, dark and beautiful, free from troubling morality. Perhaps she could show him how.

But then she sees him and leaps to her feet, holding her staff threateningly, her achingly fine eyes still filled with tears. Where is her saber? Doesn't she know her staff would be useless against him? Not that he'd ever harm her … not really.

"Who has hurt you?" he purrs.

He's not expecting her to roll her eyes and huff in frustration. "Like you don't know."

Riffling through his brain, all he can imagine is that the First Order has done something. Could he be so lucky that they've managed to kill the stormtrooper? Or even better, the _pilot_.

"Tell me," he tries to request softly, but her stiffening tells him he's managed to make it sound like a demand. Why is he always goading her? He wants to be gentle. For her.

"Maker, you really are blind," she spits with contempt.

"I … I hate that you're hurting."

"You do?" She stalks towards him, staring deeply into his overly-expressive eyes and nods in satisfaction. "Ah. You do." She rocks back on her heels, replacing the distance between them. "Strange, then, that it's _you _that hurts me," she spits.

"Me?" he asks dumbly.

"Do you really not get it, _Kylo_?"

There it is again, that name he thought would free him, so profane on her lips. Ben Solo is dead. As dead as he could make him, at least. But part of him … a part he thought he'd conquered, yearns for the hopeful way she'd said his old name.

_Ben …_

"Clearly not," he responds tersely.

Her face scrunches up and he can't help but think she's adorable. Adored. But then a tear slips down her cheek and he needs to understand.

"You … I came to you!" she cries out.

Oh. That. "And then you rejected me!"

"What? What?! _I _rejected _you?_"

"What would _you _call it?" he sneers. "I offered you my hand and you went for the saber, instead."

"You let him torture me!" she accuses, and he flinches, hard. She's right. He did.

"I never thought he would," lets out lowly. He tries not to remember her screams.

"I was so scared," she whispers, her arms wrapping around her waist.

"I know. I know," he rumbles. He, too, had suffered Snoke's _attentions_.

"It was like knives scraping through my head. I never thought it would stop."

"I swear, I thought … I thought he would … give you to me."

She scoffs and says, "So that you could turn me to the dark side, personally."

His hands flail. "Well … yes. He knew … he knew that you're … important to me," he admits.

Rey's face fills with anguish and she murmurs, "I wish that were true."

He wants to ask her what she means, but she's already gone.

_Now_

Straddling him, her hands snake up under his shirt and the feeling of her palms moving over his chest makes him shudder. He's never been touched so much, so intimately, and he gasps out at the intensity of it all.

"You feel so good," she says huskily.

All he can do is grasp her waist, entirely unprepared for when she pushes up his tunic, kissing along the way. When her tongue flicks his nipple, he can't help but groan, electricity shooting straight to his cock. He keeps trying not to grind against her, but now it's like his body has a mind of its own.

He just needs to get closer to her. Feel _her_ skin. Is she as soft as he's imagined? His hips buck up, and he can feel her heat against him. Knowing how close he is to where he's fantasized being sets his mind spinning.

Then she moves up his torso and she's kissing him like it's her due. And it is, oh how it is. He's hurt her so much; he'll give her anything she wants. And right now, she appears to want him.

Rey rips away from his mouth and his eyes just about fall out of his head as she pulls off her shirt. The only thing keeping him from seeing those breasts he's dreamed of is a slight band of fabric, and stars, now that's gone too.

Sitting back on his embarrassingly hard length, she takes his hands and forcibly places them against her breasts. Thinking is impossible as he just _feels_. The slight weight fills his palms and her nipples harden against his flesh. He must know how that texture feels beneath his fingers, and he swipes them his thumbs.

Now she's the one panting, and she groans, "Yes, Ben. Touch me."

Seized by the need to be able to explore her as she's explored him, he swiftly flips her onto her back, and oh her breasts are so enticing as they bounce with the movement. Not pausing to consider if he should, he latches onto one of her tightened peaks, and he's moaning with her, the sensation against his tongue perfection.

He sucks and sucks, plucking at her other nipple with his hand, his own need ratcheting higher as her moans grow low and breathy. She wriggles her hips, and yes, he craves that, too, kissing up her neck until he captures her lips and settles himself against her heat.

Her legs wrap around his waist and they set an ancient rhythm, needing each other, needing _friction_. If he's not careful, he's going to finish in his trousers, and right now that seems like a fine idea.

Then she's pulling away her mouth and he whimpers a high, desperate sound. He needs her mouth, her tongue. Her.

Grasping his shirt, she begins to tug, growling, "Off."

Oh, that's an _excellent_ idea, and he reaches behind his head and drags it from his body as quickly as he can. Caging her face with his elbows, the breath is stolen from his lungs when he feels all of that skin pressed close to his own.

He's never felt so connected to her, so very close, as he does with her small breasts against his heated skin and he stills, simply gazing down on her winsome face. Stars, he loves her, loves her so much that his body can't contain the feeling.

But all he manages is, "Rey …"

"I know, I know. I didn't know I could feel like this."

"You're everything, _everything _to me," he pledges, frustrated that he can't get the simple truth of his heart to leave his lips.

Suddenly, he almost feels like crying and all he can do is look at her, before gently caressing her. Then he settles into her, bearing most of his weight on his elbows and knees, touching as much of her as he can with his form. Her hands stroke along his back and he buries his face in the crook of her neck.

Their incendiary passion has shifted to something far deeper, and all he can do is breathe through the overwhelming devotion crashing through him.

One of her hands tangles in his hair and she murmurs, "I've got you."

He nods, knowing the truth of her words. He simply can't be anything but Rey's.

* * *

On his back, with Rey draped across his chest, he strokes his hand through her hair, having come free in the midst of their frantic tangling of limbs and want. One of her hands makes little nonsense patterns along his skin and he stares up at the giant trees.

She feels perfect in his arms.

"Are you alright?" she asks in a hushed tone.

"Yes. I just … I was feeling … I … I've wanted this, wanted you for a long time. Touching you like that, it was almost too much."

She goes up on one elbow so she may see his face and quirks an eyebrow. "How long?"

Smiling a little self-deprecating smile, he admits, "Since Takodana."

Her eyes widen in surprise. "Even after … Snoke?" She says his name distastefully.

"Always. From the moment I found you in the forest."

She flinches and he cups her face. "What is it?"

"I just … the way we began … everything we've done to each other … I know I said we should just move forward …"

"But maybe we do need to talk about it?"

Her eyes seem almost fearful when she nods. Hesitantly, she begins, "We fought, it seemed like all the time. I could never seem to make you _understand_."

"What were you trying to tell me?" he asks curiously.

"That I wanted you, stars, maybe even needed you, but that I couldn't be with you as long as you were lost to the dark."

"I knew," he admits softly. "I just wouldn't let it in. To choose you … it was to choose myself. Something I've never done."

Her eyes search his and she whispers, "What happened to you?"

"I don't think I have the words. I'm still trying to come to terms with it myself. But I will tell you. I promise."

A flash of rejection flits across her face and he frowns. "I _will _tell you. As soon as I understand it all."

Her eyes clear and she nods. "Alright, Ben."

Taking a deep breath, he says, "What I can tell you is that I'm sorry. For everything I ever did to cause you pain or grief, I'm sorry."

Steadily she holds his eyes for a long time. Then she softly says, "I am, too. I'm so sorry, for all of it."

He pulls her back more firmly into his arms, pressing her cheek against his chest. "We're together, now. That's what matters."

She nods into him and he feels a pall pass over him. Because they aren't quite together. Not in the way she needs. Not in the way they both need.

* * *

This time, when she wakes, she sits up in bed and just stares blankly. He's not sure what to make of it, unclear as to her mood. Eventually, she begins to dress, and he withdraws.

* * *

BB-8 rolls along with her as she trudges down a dune, heading for an old TIE. He's kept up a stream of droid chatter, but she has only nodded in response. She's pulled deeply into herself and Ben's growing sense of unease only intensifies. What is she thinking?

When she goes to Niima, Plutt tries to goad her by undercutting her scavenge, but she only nods a lifeless nod and silently takes her quarter portion. Thank the gods the _Falcon_ is well stocked with rations. His father had always made sure he could hide out for a good long while, if needed.

By the time the sun sets, she's so listless that he's growing frantic to be able to truly speak with her, find out what's going on.

For a long time, she just stands, staring at a storage compartment, rarely even blinking. Then she takes a deep breath and opens it. Slowly, reverently, Rey pulls out his clothing from Exegol, bringing it to her face and inhaling deeply.

His heart bleeds as she lays them down next to her on the bed.

* * *

The minute her eyes close and her breath becomes even, he's with her on the shifting sands of the Jakku desert.

"Rey!" he exclaims, and she gives him a shining smile.

He pulls her into his arms and crushes her to his chest. He's needed to comfort her all day, and now he finally can.

"Maker, I was so worried about you."

"I'm fine now that I'm with you," she mollifies.

"But you aren't alright during the day!"

She shrugs and says, "I can handle it."

He looks at her with concern, taking in her defiant face. He doesn't want to argue with her, but he's not sure simply ignoring this strange predicament is the best idea.

Carefully, he offers, "I know you're strong, so strong. But … you suffer so much. There must be a way you can remember that I'm really here."

"Maybe it just takes time. I'll notice eventually that the dreams are always good, now. That I'm seeing places I've never been."

He frowns, but it's not a bad point. She pulls his face down and kisses him urgently. "Just be with me, Ben. Let's not waste our time together."

As her kisses fog over his higher order thinking, he lets himself have this. Have her.

* * *

"Have you ever been to a beach?"

"Well, there was the ocean on Ahch-To."

"Is that where he was …" Ben murmurs, almost to himself.

There's a moment of panic, then she laughs. "I suppose it doesn't matter that you know, now."

He's sees in that moment that their past is full of cracks, so much fraught struggle in the seams.

Then she smiles and bats at him. "Oh, no, Solo. I forbid you to apologize."

"But I really am—"

"Nope! Uh uh. Tell me where you want to take me instead."

He smiles at her widely. He's excited about this particular destination.

"It's called Sheytaya. My parents used to take me there when I was a boy."

Rey cocks her head. "Endor … Sheytaya. Both places tied to your parents."

His lips twist sadly. "Nearly all the wonderful places I want to show you are from trips with them."

"And … it's alright? It doesn't hurt?"

"Oh, it does. But it's a good kind of hurt, I suppose. I haven't allowed myself to remember them in years."

"And this helps?"

He thinks for a moment, then nods. "Yes … especially having you with me. You make me whole."

Her eyes swim with hope and joy. "We make each other whole."

* * *

"Oh, Ben," she sighs, looking out on the blue-green sea of Sheytaya. The sky is a clear, pure azure, and the sun warm on his shoulders.

"I thought Ahch-To was beautiful, all that water. But this … this is magical."

There are craggy outcroppings of rock, full of tidepools and a stretch of white-sand beach.

He takes her hand and walks her to a large rock, seating her on the weathered surface. Deftly, he removes her boots one at a time.

"I know you're quite familiar with sand, but I bet you've never chased the tides."

"Chased the tides?"

"You'll see," he says with a secret smile. He just wants to share every single thing he can with her. Rey deserves everything he can manage and more.

Once he has his own boots off, he takes her hand again and walks her towards the slowly rolling edge of the water.

She wriggles her toes in the wet sand and beams at him. "It's so squishy! It doesn't feel like the dunes at all."

"Just wait." He crouches next to her and rolls up her leggings, then rolls up his own trousers.

Once they're a few yards from the incoming tide, he stops her. She looks up at him curiously when it happens. The warm water laps at her toes and she giggles. Actually giggles. In that moment, all he can do is see the girl she should have been allowed to be suffused with utter delight.

He's going to do everything he can to bring that girl healing and all the joy he possibly can.

Somehow, he's going to find his way back to her.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, for two years of amazing beta help!

Thank you, Readers! Happy New Year's! As we start another year together, I want you to know that you make a real and profound difference in my life. I put so much of myself into my writing, I feel that you know me, at least a little bit. I'm so grateful that you give my stories your time; that you see me. May 2020 bring you all peace, healing, and unbridled joy.


	6. Chapter 6

_Before_

She's beautifully naked, sprawled out on his bed, waiting for him in their quarters with hooded eyes full of such promise. He swiftly strips off his clothing before joining her and covering her completely with his larger frame.

"Gods, Rey … I've missed you." He gazes down into her liquid eyes, lined with kohl, making them seem like endless dark pools.

"Next time, take me with you," she breathes out as she nibbles his ear. "I get so lonely being left behind on the ship."

"As my lady commands," he grunts, slipping into her with one insistent thrust.

Her back arches, and she moans, "_Yes_, Kylo. Right there!"

He wakes suddenly, sitting up frantically. His body is so hot and, Force, he's going to burst. Without thinking, he takes himself in hand and in just a few quick pumps, he's spilling over his fist, her name formed unbidden on his lips.

Now the recrimination begins. Why can't he stop having these dreams of her? It's been _months_ since Crait. He could tell himself it was just appreciation for an enemy when it was only the dreams, but now he's begun to fantasize about her during the _day_.

If it was only sexual, perhaps he could make his peace with that, but something far deeper calls to him. Words he thought would never again be part of his life. Words he never lets himself think. Even though Snoke is gone, he still guards his thoughts with ferocity.

But there's … something between them. Something beyond their strange connection. Something that defies logic and sense. Something that makes him quiver and ache. Dream and _need_.

_Now_

Rey has begun to draw again, and at first it had pleased him. She'd been drawing images of her dreams, the tall trees of Endor and the soft waves of Sheytaya providing the backdrop for him. Always him.

But instead of bringing her comfort, she holds the pictures, staring at them, sometimes for hours. She doesn't cry, but it's almost as if that's only because she doesn't have the energy. Her grief is so intense it seems her tears can't contain it.

"Tonight, Rey … please remember. I need you to remember," he pleads. Then a little tendril of her hair escapes its confines and he unthinkingly tries to brush it back behind her ear.

Now, tears do spring to her eyes and she chokes out, "Stop. Please stop."

His hand pulls back quickly, and he watches with a helplessness that never gets any easier as she crawls into bed and pulls his shirt to her chest while BB-8 turns worried circles.

* * *

Ben walks up to her, concerned. She's looking out at the ever-changing sands and doesn't seem to notice him.

"Rey?" he nudges cautiously, suddenly afraid she will no longer remember, that the days will steal their nights.

But she turns to him and her face nearly splits open with the joyful grin she grants him. Then she's in his arms and kissing him thoroughly.

Gasping for breath, she says, "I want to show _you_ something this time."

Her excitement is infectious, and now he, too, is smiling widely. It's as if the brighter she becomes in her dreams, the more she must pay for it during her waking hours and his smile falters.

Her head tilts. "What is it?"

"I'm just worried about you."

Her eyes flash with annoyance. "I told you, I can handle it."

"I don't think you can."

She scoffs. "I made it 15 years on this rock. I'm fine," she growls.

"But I know what those years cost you."

"Really? You think that because you took a trip in my head for a few minutes you know the toil, the emptiness, the _hunger_?" she snarls, her eyes glinting hot and angry.

Taking a step back, he simply looks at her. He knows how Rey uses anger like a shield. She'd certainly used it to great effect through their bond.

Her chest heaves, and slowly, her rage drifts into regret. "I'm sorry," she finally blurts.

Shaking his head, he says, "No … you're right. I don't know, not really. But I know _you_."

Her shoulders fall. "You're right. You do. And you might be right about the other thing, too," she stiltedly admits.

"Every day, you get further and further away … your light is so dim now."

"I know," she breathes out brokenly.

"Sometimes it seems like you can feel me, there. When I touch you."

"I … it hurts. It's like I can feel you with me and it makes that you're _not_ so much worse."

"I don't … I don't want to hurt you." The idea that his touch brings her pain is too horrific to truly let in.

"I'm eating again," she offers, a bit defensively.

"I know … I'm very grateful for that."

"On some level, I must know, or else I don't think I would be."

His mouth forms a dismayed line. It's not much to hold on to. But then she's grabbing his hand and dragging him along.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I want to show you the flower fields."

It startles him, how quickly her mood can shift, and he's beginning to note the manic way she changes subjects. But he doesn't know how to tell her no, so he lets himself be pulled into her bright wave of happiness.

* * *

She leads him up a tall dune, the sky just beginning to turn from night to day. A few of the brightest stars still glitter in the indigo and she spreads out a blanket on the crest of the sands. They sit close together, and he wraps her in his long arm, nuzzling the crown of her head.

"I'm never going to get used to touching you."

"You had better," she teases.

"No … I dreamed of it for so long …"

She peers up at him with a wicked expression. "What _kind_ of dreams?"

His cheeks instantly heat. He certainly hadn't meant to bring _that_ up. "Uhm," is all he manages.

She lets out a boisterous laugh. "It's alright, Ben. I _dreamed_, too."

With surprised eyes he asks, "You did?"

She kisses along his neck and slips her hand down his tunic, stroking his nipple. He gasps at the contact and, as he invariably does, begins to _react_ to her touch. Then his eyes are crossing as her other hand slides along his rapidly hardening length.

In a low voice she says, "I still do."

Then the little minx pulls away from him and sits back as if nothing had happened. "Now, watch."

"Uh."

"The sun is about to rise, pay attention."

"Yeah," he says with a scrambled brain. "Okay."

How does she _do_ that? But he tries to focus on the horizon, and the sky is brightening. It's a rare morning on Jakku, clouds dotting the sky, and brilliant shades of orange and pink are painted along the expanse.

As the light grows, he sees that there's an immense field of small green plants. Things grow here? He had no idea. But the proof is right in front of his eyes.

The sun finally peeks over the edge of the planet, and as the sunlight crawls along the ground, he can't help but gasp. One by one, the little plants bloom with a fiery red blossom. As they watch, the field turns blood red. It's almost violent in its beauty.

The contrast of so much life and the starkness of the barren landscape of Jakku makes his throat tight. These flowers … they're Rey. Beautiful, thrilling Rey. Thriving in spite of the desert. All he can do is pull her into his arms.

He holds her as close as he can, then he's taking her face in his hands and staring into her eyes.

"I love you," he declares fiercely. It's all he can say in this moment, this moment where everything she is to him, to the galaxy, is all around him, vibrant and so blessedly _alive_.

Her eyes roam his face and her lips curl into a beatific smile. "I know."

His face falters. He'd heard her moan she loves him in her grief. Has she changed her mind?

"Oh, Ben. Don't you know I love you, too?"

"I … I didn't want to presume," he stutters out.

Rey just rolls her eyes and pushes him back onto the blanket, eagerly straddling him. "Always so proper," she quips.

As she's grinding along him, she leans forward and breathes into his ear, "Someday, Solo, I'm gonna make a mess of you."

* * *

Once again, they lay tangled together on a blanket, their shirts off but everything else intact. For reasons he can't quite fathom, she hadn't pushed for more this time. He should be grateful, but the pain of his unfulfilled erection is making him question if that's what he really wants.

Why is he waiting? He'd been telling himself that it's a way of honoring her. But now he thinks, perhaps he's just afraid. Afraid he'll get it all wrong. Afraid she won't like it. When he needs her to love it as much as he knows he will.

Her hands on his chest spins him into orbit, the thought of burying himself in her, well, best not to think about that right now.

Right. Distraction.

"Tell me about the flowers."

She snuggles into him and excitedly exclaims, "It only happens every ten years. I had to travel for a week to get here; I'd been hearing about it ever since I was little. As it got closer, it was all the old women would talk of."

She looks up at him shyly. "They said if you watched the flowers bloom with your beloved you would spend your lives together."

"Well, that's certainly true."

Her eyes cloud. "Eternity, yes … but not our lives."

"We'll find a way. There has to be a reason I can't manifest as a Force ghost. I know I should be focused on that, but just being able to talk to you, touch you …"

"It is pretty fantastic isn't it?"

He palms her breast and grins. "Oh yes. Absolutely spectacular."

She actually blushes and apparently once he'd managed to get the words out, they're all he wants to say. "I love you."

Raising an eyebrow, she teases, "You sure you're not talking to my breasts?"

"Well, I love those, too. But no … Rey … it took me a long time to admit to myself that I love you, but I think maybe I loved you almost from the very beginning."

"You'd said you'd wanted me … but love?"

"I can't really explain it. I just knew you _mattered_, that I had to be near you."

Expression dimming, she looks away. "I was so scared of you. So angry. It's hard, having those memories with what we're creating now."

"I never could have hurt you."

Her luminous eyes catch his. "But you did."

He's about to apologize for throwing her against that tree, when she continues, "I mean that year after the _Supremacy_. The way everything changed between us when we were just finding our way to each other."

Ben rolls to his side so that he may see her face fully. "I was scared of you, too," he admits.

Snorting inelegantly, she points out, "You could have killed me numerous times."

"True … but that's not how I meant. You … choosing you, it meant facing everything I've done."

"Your father," she says gently.

"That's the worst of it … but these hands, I've killed so many with these hands." He'd always told himself there was honor in battle, but now it just feels empty.

Her troubled face holds his eyes and she laces her fingers with his. "But that wasn't you, not really."

"I know I speak of Ben Solo and Kylo Ren as two different people, but they aren't. Kylo Ren will always be with me, just like I could never shed Ben Solo, no matter how hard I tried."

He feels a slight tug and he tightens his hand around hers before he realizes she'd been about to pull away. But then she relaxes, staring at him with a searching expression.

"Can you accept that?" he asks.

Her face fills with certainty and she nods. "I think I already knew … Ben, I love you so much. Losing you, getting you back, I'm not going to pick and choose. I love _all_ of you."

He's not quite prepared for the overwhelming wave of relief and devotion that slams into him at her words. Then she truly surprises him. "I should have taken your hand, on the _Supremacy_."

"What?" he asks dumbly.

"Something changed, after I left. You weren't dark, not really. Not when we fought together. If I'd believed in you then …"

"We can't wonder what would have happened." He would go mad.

"I just … I want you to know, I've loved you for a long time, too."

"Oh, Rey," he breathes out, before pulling her to him and pressing his lips to hers. He doesn't want to dwell in the past any longer. He wants to lose himself in her mouth and fine eyes.

* * *

He can't stop thinking about what she'd said, that something had changed after he woke up to find her gone. He's removed himself while she readies for the day and he slowly walks around the non-place.

Thinking about that moment of crushing betrayal, when she went for the saber instead of taking his hand, has always been difficult. He's not ever really spent any time truly contemplating his feelings.

He remembers how he'd raged on Crait. He was just so godsdamned hurt. She'd been right there, so close, and he'd thought she'd accept him. But she'd rejected him without even trying to talk about it.

Looking back on it, he can see why she couldn't really trust him enough to ask him what he'd meant about bringing a new order to the galaxy. But it had cut so deeply that she'd not even tried.

For months, he'd assumed she'd been planning on killing him, leaving his corpse to rot next to Snoke's. Now, though, he knows her so much better, and the chances are she was only reacting.

So, what had changed? Before she chose not to take his hand, he'd devoted himself to the dark side, but he hadn't particularly cared if Rey joined him there. All he'd cared about was her joining _him_.

It was as if her rejection had finally blanketed out the light. He no longer struggled with it, not as he had. He was focused only on convincing her to join him. It didn't matter to him who he hurt, who he killed, as long as he found her.

His fantasies had been elaborate, how he would show her the beauty of the dark, dress her in rich silks and dripping jewels. He'd wanted to have her by his side. And he was of the dark, so, ergo, he had to turn her.

That's when it hits him. He'd wanted to turn her to the dark because it was the only way he could fathom getting to be with her. Joining her in the light … or the balance, that had been an impossible thought.

Maker … if only, if only, if only. Did he ever really make any choices? He feels like he has, with Rey, but before that … no.

He sighs heavily. He's going to have to talk to his mother. His mother _and_ Luke.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, who always makes time for this even when not feeling well.

Thank you, Readers! I'm terribly sorry for the delay in posting, I was felled by illness but am doing better now. This next week I have no houseguests or holiday commitments, so there should be updates galore. Thank you all for being the best readers in the galaxy!


	7. Chapter 7

_Before_

She's bent over something, but he can't see what it is. Her face is oddly blank and she's alarmingly still. But then she moves her hand like she's turning a page. She must be reading something. Something _old_.

Kylo could simply watch her, get his fill of her beautiful face, but it's been quite some time since the bond last connected them. He needs to hear her voice, even if it's full of anger or hurt. He's stopped trying to pretend he doesn't want her.

"Rey," he murmurs.

Her head snaps up, and for a moment he sees something he could swear is happiness. But her expression quickly turns stony.

"Oh. It's _you_."

The fantasies have become so real that he finds he wants to coax her into that warm place they once shared. He … he misses her.

He acknowledges her with a nod of his head. "And it's you," he says softly.

Blinking quickly, she asks with sharpness, "What do you want?"

"Many things. But right now, I'm content." He folds his gloved hands in front of him.

Her eyes narrow and she asks, "Why? Murder someone special today?"

"Because I'm with you," he offers in a low voice, ignoring her barb as he moves closer to her.

She stands and skitters away until her back hits something. Ah, she's in a room of some kind. He takes one step closer and now they're a few feet apart.

"It doesn't have to be like this," he entreats.

"Oh yeah? Do you still want to control me?"

"I've never wanted that. I want … I want …"

Her body leans forward slightly, clearly unbidden, and he takes another step towards her.

"What do you want?"

_You_.

"I want to simply talk."

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. "What do _we _have to talk about?"

"Our connection, for one."

Her eyes flit around furtively. "I prefer not to think about it."

"And yet, it still brings us together. Clearly Snoke had nothing to do with it."

"Thank the Maker," she mutters.

He allows himself a slight smirk. "That was … unappealing."

"Do you know what it is?" she asks without rancor, her eyes so beguiling.

He takes another step.

"There are stories of something called a Force bond. It's typically formed over time, between people who are … close."

She lets out a mirthless laugh. "Well then _that _can't be it."

"Oh, but Rey, deny it all you like, but we _are_ close," he nearly purrs.

Her eyes widen with fear, but she doesn't protest.

Another step.

He continues lowly, "But what we share … I've never heard of anything like it. It's … unique. Like you."

"Like me?"

"Oh, Rey, don't you know?"

Now he's nearly to her and she's breathing shallowly.

"Kn-know what?" she asks shakily.

"How special you are."

Her face grows shamed. "I thought I was nothing."

"But not to me, Rey," he rumbles.

She takes in a quick breath and her eyes flutter with confusion and something else. Something he's been hoping for. Desire.

"You touched me, once," he croons as he slowly lifts his hand to her cheek. She lets him. He hasn't even touched her, yet the energy streams between his fingers and her skin.

He could kiss her, it would be so easy, but her body is still tense, and she might bolt at any minute. So he only strokes her cheek once, making her tremble. Even through the leather of his gloves, the sensation is _intense_.

"Rey …" he whispers.

Her eyes, gods, her eyes! They pull him into her very soul. They're wide and so beautifully innocent. Kylo shifts closer, drawing his face to hers. He pushes away the tremor of nervousness that he's never done this before. He's Kylo Ren and he's confident in everything he does.

The whole ship can hear his scream of thwarted rage when she winks away.

_Now_

Ben has never tried to bring his mother to him in the non-place; he has no idea if this will work.

"Mom?" he queries with a hesitant voice. "I need to talk to you. You and … Luke."

Walking around his space, he keeps part of his attention on Rey, finding her setting out for her day. He feels badly about leaving her with only BB-8, but this is important. She wants to know what happened to him and he needs to untangle it before he can tell her.

Before much time has passed, he turns to find his mother and disgrace of an uncle looking at him expectantly.

"Thank you," he says softly. "For coming."

"We're always here for you," Leia says.

He narrows his eyes at Luke and says in a low voice, "That hasn't always been true."

"We tried, Ben, we tried so hard," his mother says earnestly.

The conflict between his feelings about his childhood and how he feels _now _make him flinch slightly. He sighs out, "I know. And I didn't want to start this way. I want … I want to talk about what happened to me. Try to understand."

Luke breathes in sharply, and Leia places a hand on his arm. "Anything you need, Son."

In a very young voice, Ben asks, "Why did you send me away? Why didn't _you _train me, Mom?"

Her eyes clench with anguish. When she's looking at him again, the ocean of pain he finds in her gaze makes his heart tighten with guilt. But he takes in a deep breath and refocuses. This will be hard, but he has to know.

"I tried to train you," she says in a broken voice. "I was actually doing well with you until you were almost 10."

He remembers that she showed him how to control his fledgling powers, keep him from randomly flinging objects when he was angry and when not to use the Force. "What changed?"

"You did," Luke interjects.

"How?" He can't quite keep the edge from his voice.

"It was as if overnight your strength in the Force exploded exponentially," Leia explains. "And you became … unstable."

All that he can recall is that he'd begun to feel that there was something out there, something bigger. Something meant only for him. School, his mother's parties, controlling himself, it all seemed meaningless.

Then the timing strikes him as quite coincidental. "Wait. You said I was around 10?" he asks keenly.

"Nearly," Luke says.

Ben's eyes widen as he _sees_. Oh, gods. "Rey," he whispers. "She was born."

Luke and Leia look at each other and Luke gazes at him with such regret.

"Wait, did you _know_?" Ben accuses.

Sighing deeply, Luke admits, "Not immediately, no. I knew a great power in the Force had emerged. Old Ben told me later, about Palpatine's daughter."

"But what about her being the other half of my soul?!" Ben shouts.

"I didn't put it all together until she showed up on the island. I swear Ben, I didn't know it was Rey, not at first."

"And you, _Mother_, did you know?"

She flails her hands helplessly. "Luke always told me everything. We didn't realize you were part of a dyad until many years into your training. Who it was … well we didn't know that until—"

"Rey." Her name is whispered, holy from his lips. "How many?" he growls. "How many years did you know I was split in two?"

"You were a teenager, we thought _that _was all it was at first. But you were so changed, I researched, spoke with Old Ben. It fit, you being half of a dyad."

This … this he does remember clearly. He'd slipped into a deep depression when he was around 15 and the implications spin out in all their horror. Little Rey, all alone on godsdamned _Jakku_. He should have blown that planet away when he'd had the chance. His bondmate was being abused, starved, and the Force had been screaming at him; he just didn't understand what it was saying.

"I could have saved her!" he snarls. "If you'd talked to me! We could have found her. Force, Mom, she never had to live like that!"

Leia's eyes go wide with understanding, but Luke just looks guilty.

"You knew. You knew she was out there, who she is to me. Who we are together!" Ben yells as he stalks towards his _uncle_.

"I knew you were part of a dyad. I'd worked out that their birth had triggered your episodes when you were younger, but I never knew how Rey was suffering. I swear, Ben. I didn't know Rey was suffering like that."

"But I did! I was half a person and she was going through hell!" No wonder Snoke got in. He was a gaping wound and the people meant to protect him had shut him out from knowing his very soul.

Ben runs his hands through his hair and whispers, "Gods, Rey …" How is he going to tell her this?

"All that time … we could have found her!"

"I thought about it, I did … but you came out of your fog, you seemed … alright."

"Because Snoke, or Palpatine—whatever the hell he was—was whispering in my head!"

The voices had always been there, but they'd grown so much stronger then, telling him he had a destiny, that he would be a great force in the galaxy. He'd trusted the voices and put all of himself into training. The dark got in through the crack in his being.

He'd always known he had something, something profound he was meant to do. It had been Rey, all along. Precious, perfect Rey.

"It's so convenient that the Force has put you on time-out, _Uncle._ Saves you from having to face her when she finds out."

Leia looks at Luke sharply. "You told him? I thought you didn't want him to know!" she accuses.

With a guilty expression, Luke excuses, "I found I needed to explain."

Crossing her arms over her chest, Leia scoffs. "I could have told him months ago," she mutters.

But Ben is barely listening as he breathes out, "All that time … we could have been together."

"Well, she was a child, Ben," Luke offers with disapproval.

"I don't care!" he exclaims.

Leia approaches him, and gently touches his elbow. "If you think about it, you should. You found each other when the time was right."

Ben snorts contemptuously. "Yes, after we were both shredded nearly beyond recognition."

"Son … you never would have been separate people. Would you want to be so fully merged?"

Taking in a long, shuddering breath, he hollowly admits, "I don't know …"

It's all such a mess now, so many lives ruined. But that makes his brain come to a stuttering halt. Rey's isn't. She's struggling, mightily, but he's going to fix it. And would he give up falling in love with her? His mind won't stop going round and round in circles and he closes his eyes, focusing on his breathing.

Right. What happened to him. That's what started this.

Feeling more centered, he asks, "Did you know about the voices?"

"No, not exactly. We sensed darkness, but it wasn't until you joined Snoke that we realized it was him."

He wants to throw at them that by leaving Rey to her miserable childhood they'd left him open to manipulation, but his mother's bowed head and hunched shoulders makes him hold his piece.

"I wasn't dark. When you tried to kill me. I wasn't dark. Not yet."

"What?!" Leia explodes, advancing on Luke.

Oh. Apparently, his mother hadn't known _that_ little tidbit.

"I never tried to kill you!" Luke defends.

"Then why the hell does he think you did?" Leia demands, shouting in Luke's face.

"I sensed the darkness in him! For one moment I thought I could save everyone!"

"By killing my son?!"

"It passed, so quickly. I never would have done it. But … the damage was done."

Leia turns to Ben. "Son, I think I need to have a long talk with my brother."

"I see that," Ben says with an arched brow.

"I'll be back, soon. I promise. This one, though," she growls, gesturing to Luke. "I'm not sure I want him around you."

He's surprised at the glow of happiness blooming in his heart at his mother defending him so fiercely. It's late, so very late, but it still matters to him.

"Rip him to pieces, Mom."

Glaring hard at Luke, she says, "Oh, I intend to."

* * *

He takes a moment before going to Rey. He's learned so much and he still can't wrap his head around it all. All of the pieces were there, and if his family had only just _talked_ to him, it all would have been so different.

Though, it's not like he'd trusted them enough to talk about it, either, always keeping his thoughts and feelings closely guarded. It's only with Rey that he's found himself able to really speak of what's inside him.

He sits in meditation, clearing his mind, attempting to find some center in the storm now engulfing him. When he finally feels in a fit state to see Rey, he opens his eyes.

But what he finds when he reaches for her makes his blood run cold.

* * *

Rey grunts in pain as she drags herself to her speeder. Her arm is badly broken and BB-8 rolls around making frantic beeps and whistles.

"Rey, what happened!" he exclaims as he rushes to her side. Forgetting he can't help, he reaches out to her, only to have his hands pass through her.

"Gods, not now," Rey grits out. "It hurts too much to miss you, too."

Once she reaches her speeder, she looks down on BB-8. "You remember the way home? I can't lift you up right now."

BB-8 makes firm, assured whistles and she nods. "Good. I have to go see the healer in Niima. I'll be back before nightfall."

She gasps in pain as she manages to climb onto her speeder with only one arm. For a moment she just lays forward, breathing out harshly. Ben has never felt more useless in all his life. Or non-life. Rey is essentially alone, suffering, and he can't do a damned thing.

"I'm sorry, Rey," he murmurs.

* * *

In Niima, she again goes through the agony of moving from her speeder and lurches to a small tent towards the edge of the pavillion. Opening the flap, she's greeted by a gruff, "No portions."

"I have credits," she says through gritted teeth.

A slender, tall human man stands and looks her up and down. He's completely out of place on a world like Jakku, and his high-born accent swiftly explains why.

"Ah, Rey. I've only treated you once before. You're not usually so clumsy."

"Yeah, well, it's been a hell of a time for me. Wasn't paying attention and fell. Now can you set this arm or not?"

"If you have the credits, I have the time," he says almost off-handedly.

Struggling through the obvious pain, Rey pulls out a few chits and tosses them on the modest table with medical instruments.

The man passing for a doctor raises an eyebrow. "Well, things certainly have changed for you, Miss Rey. That'll cover bacta and medication in addition to the splint. Now, have a seat and let's take a look."

* * *

Ben isn't sure he'll ever get Rey's screams as her arm was set out of his mind. But at least with the bacta, she should be completely healed within the week.

The doctor hands her a small package. "Take these before bed. They'll help you sleep through the healing."

"Thank you," she says, taking the packet. She's pale but is clearly in better shape and Ben is hopeful. This doctor must have real training—perhaps an old Imperial in hiding.

She only grunts once pulling herself onto her speeder.

* * *

BB-8 is doing figure eights outside of the _Falcon_ when Rey gets back. True to her word, the sun is low in the sky, but it's still light out.

She's getting the hang of getting off of her speeder with only one arm, but she moves slowly, her eyes hollow. He desperately needs to help her, but there's nothing he can do!

The droid lets out delighted chirps, making Rey's lips try to form a smile. Then there's a whistle of query.

"Yeah, just like I thought. Broken arm. Wasn't lucky enough to break my neck."

The diatribe in droid speak is loud and long.

"I was kidding, BB-8," she obviously lies. But the droid accepts it and nudges her leg.

"Come on, let's get inside. I have to sleep. Maybe I'll have one of those good dreams," she says, clutching the packet of medication from the doctor.

She drags her feet up the ramp and Ben follows her to the captain's quarters. She doesn't even bother to undress, just kicks off her boots and sits on the side of the bed. She takes one of the tablets and lays down over the covers, her good hand clutching the cuff of his shirt.

"Oh, Ben … I wish you'd been here today."

Ben has never needed to hold her more.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare for being such a wonderful partner in this endeavor!

Thank you, Readers! You are simply the kindest, most enthusiastic group of people on the internet and I'm so lucky you give your time to this story. Space Cupcakes for everyone!


	8. Chapter 8

The minute he sees her, he rushes to her side. He's about to crush her to him when he remembers her arm. Will it be hurting her in her dream?

"I'm fine," she says in a flat voice and he gathers her to his chest, gently, just in case.

She clings to him and he strokes her back, nuzzling the crown of her head. "I was so worried about you," he murmurs.

"Today … today was hard," she chokes into his shirt and he realizes she's crying.

He pulls back slightly and looks into her wide, tear-filled eyes. "Oh, my love …"

"I miss you so much. All I could think was how much I needed you, but you weren't there."

He flinches with guilt, because he really wasn't; he'd been with his mother and Luke.

"I'm sorry …"

"I know I haven't wanted to talk about it. I'm just so happy to have you, even like this. I didn't want to waste a moment with you. But you were right. I'm not okay."

"You … you said you wished you'd broken your neck. Is that true?" he asks worriedly.

Rey shrugs and looks away. "Maybe. During the day … I just feel like nothing matters, and if I died, maybe I'd be with you. All the time." The wistful tone in her voice makes him shiver with fear.

"Well, I don't know what would happen if you died. I'm not where I should be. If you become one with the Force and I was still wherever I am—"

Her eyes go wide with true terror. "We'd be separated forever. Oh, gods, Ben! We can't let that happen. We have to find a way to bring you back."

"We will, somehow, we'll find a way."

"Can you ask your mother, or Luke? Can they come to you?"

"Yes, they can. And … well, I have some things to tell you, things they shared with me, but not right now. Tell me what happened to you."

She looks at him with query in her eyes, but says, "I was stupid. I didn't tie a line; didn't think I needed it with the Force. But I lost my footing and caught my arm on the way down. I stopped my fall of course, but my arm was shattered."

Real fear seizes in his chest. "You can't be so careless with yourself."

"I know … but how will I be able to remember?"

"Tomorrow, I'll keep touching you. I haven't wanted to, it hurts you, but it's the only thing I can think of to do to make you understand I'm there. Do I have your permission?"

She smiles for the first time since her accident. "You don't need my permission to touch me."

"But I do … I'll never take it for granted."

"Even if I tell you that you can?"

"Even then."

"Well, you have my permission, Ben. Even if I think you don't need it. Hell, I'd like you to touch me quite a bit more," she says with insinuation.

"Really? I had no idea," he deadpans with a raised brow.

Then her face takes on a young, needy cast. "But … right now … I need you to hold me."

She's still in his arms and he looks at her with a perplexed expression. "I am holding you."

Her face grows frustrated. "No, I mean …"

The dunes of Jakku give way to the captain's quarters on the _Falcon_, only they're bright and brand new. She pulls him to the bed and pushes him to sit. Then she's kneeling in front of him, removing his boots.

It makes him uncomfortable, having her tend to him like this. It's his job to look after her, at least in this place, where he can. But she's already finished with her task and she stands, toeing off her own footwear.

"Hold me properly," she almost demands.

He lays back on the bed and she crawls in beside him. They're facing each other and she buries her face in his chest, kneading at the cloth of his shirt with her little hands. She's almost like a lothcat.

Wrapping her tightly in his arms, he rubs his cheek along the top of her head. They tangle their legs together and the warmth streaming between them, the closeness, suffuses him with bliss. He hopes they can bring him back, but it's easy to think he could live on this alone if they can find a way for Rey to recover during her waking hours.

"Why is the Force so cruel?" she asks with a broken voice.

"I don't know, Rey … I don't know."

* * *

"What did Leia and Luke say?"

Ben sighs heavily and strokes his hand through her hair. As soon as she was settled, he'd removed those blasted buns so that he could enjoy the feel of her tresses. He thinks it's one of his favorite things about touching her.

"It's … a lot. Do you really want to talk about it right now? After what happened to you?"

She makes a face. "Don't protect me. Not like that."

He looks at her sadly. "It's the only way I can."

Her eyes grow bleak and she looks away for a moment. "Still … I want to know."

"As you wish." He takes a moment to continue to enjoy her hair before he begins. "You wanted to know what happened to me."

"Mmmhmm," she says as she pushes him onto his back and settles her face against his chest. She's clearly getting ready for a long story. He's almost glad for the change in their positions. He's not sure he wants to see her face when he reveals what her life could have been.

"I … when I was around 10, my powers spiked. My mother didn't know what to do, couldn't handle me. So she sent me to Luke."

"I knew that part. Well, not that you were 10."

He waits, seeing if she'll put it together on her own. His eyes close tightly with her sharp inhalation of breath.

"We're ten years apart, aren't we …"

"Yes," he confirms.

"It was me? It was my fault?" she asks in a wounded voice.

This he can't allow, and he tips her face up so he can see her eyes. "No … no. You did nothing wrong. But … having the other half of my soul born _did _affect me."

"Oh," she says, eyes blinking. "But why didn't it affect me?"

This brings him up short. He hadn't considered that. "I don't know. Maybe it was the change that made things so confusing. I'd been a fairly serious child, impatient. Nothing out of the ordinary. But … when you were born, I started to feel like there was something meant for me. That I had a path. It just turns out it was some_one_, not some_thing_."

He sighs again. This part will be hard for her. "Then, when I was 15, I sunk into a very dark place. And I never escaped, not really, until you."

She goes up on her elbow and looks down on him. "Because of me."

"Yes," he acknowledges gently. "I think I could sense how bereft you were. How hurt. I just didn't know about you."

"How could you have?" she asks with a furrowed brow.

"Well … that's the thing. Luke knew, then. That I was part of a dyad. That my other half was out there. If I'd understood … I could have found you. I _should _have found you," he admits with shame.

"No, no, Ben … you were a boy yourself. And I survived."

"But at what cost!" he flares.

"We still found each other," she offers.

"Yes. But that's not all."

Rey nods for him to continue and he rubs his eyes.

"I'd always heard voices, dark voices. But they got so much louder, then. Telling me I was meant for great and terrible things. I tried not to listen, I truly did, but they made so much sense. My soul was bleeding for you and I misunderstood. I thought … I thought …"

"You thought it was yearning for the dark …" she finishes. Swiftly, she sits up, angled slightly away from him.

Oh, gods. This is too much for her. This is when she realizes how he's hurt her, how damaged he is.

"Rey?" he nudges fearfully.

"I'm why. Me." Then she turns her face to him, and her cheeks are streaked with tears. "I'm why you fell to the dark side."

He sits up, crossing his legs so that he can sit next to her. She's still angled away, but she's looking at him.

"I wouldn't put it like that. If my family … if they'd talked to me, it all would have been different. But I was all alone and I made … bad choices. I think I always felt your suffering."

"Why didn't I feel yours?" she asks, shame marring her beautiful face.

"No, no, don't feel like that. I'm grateful you didn't. If you'd had even more to withstand … I couldn't bear it."

She looks at him fully. "You really would have come found me?"

"I would have turned over every corner of the galaxy for you."

Her eyes search his, then she brings her hand to his cheek, holding his face tenderly. "I know you would have. I know."

"Gods, Rey … do you know how much I love you? Do you have any idea?"

"If it's as much as I love you … yes," she says, a bit shyly.

"I have to find a way to heal your pain when you're awake. I thought I knew what it was to hurt, but watching you deteriorate, it's … it's excruciating."

"Then we'll find a way. I mean, we _are_ a Force dyad," she quips.

But he returns her gesture, cupping her face with both hands and seriously says, "Yes. We are."

The air is charged; it almost feels like they've made a pledge to each other. They are one in the Force, one in soul, and soon, they will be one in life. There can be no other way.

He's not sure who moves first, but soon they're kissing each other in a ravenous, grasping way. It's as if they're trying to crawl into each other, be as close as possible. Truly be the one being their soul demands.

She's on her back without him consciously laying her back, and their limbs tangle, all the while their mouths fused. It's frantic. It's beautiful. It's need and fear, pain and salve.

Ripping her mouth from his, she pants out, "Please, Ben. I need you naked. I need us naked. Let me _feel _you."

On some level he wonders if she's in too vulnerable a state to ask for that, but then he decides he has to stop making decisions for her. She wants him. He wants her. And after the harrowing day they've both had, by the gods, he _needs_ her.

"Yes," he rumbles, and then they're tearing at each other's clothes.

His shirt comes off first, then hers. She's about to remove her breast band when he stops her hands. "Please, let me, stars, let me."

She nods and his hands shake a bit as he reaches behind her back and undoes the simple closure, freeing her glorious breasts. He loses the thread of their intentions and immediately captures a nipple between his lips. Gods, he could stay at her breast for an age.

"Ah, ah. We're not done yet," she lightly admonishes, tugging at the waistband of his trousers.

Now the nervousness comes. No one has seen him naked since … well, childhood. And how is he ever going to survive finally seeing all of her perfect skin?

He doesn't have even a moment to prepare himself, as she makes quick work of the fastenings, and before he's really grasped that this is happening, it's really happening, she's pushing down his trousers. He thinks at least there's his underthings, but then she's hooking her thumbs into those, too and pulling them down.

Force, he's already so hard and the cloth is getting stuck on his erection. His cheeks heat with embarrassment and he stiltedly starts to help her. It doesn't really work with him laying on top of her, even if he lifts his hips, so he rolls to the side and takes a deep breath.

With one swift movement, he has the last of his clothing off and he just closes his eyes.

Rey breathes in sharply and his blush creeps over nearly all of his face. He knows he should open his eyes, find out what's wrong, but he just wants to disappear.

"You're so beautiful," she breathes out and he cracks one eye.

She's staring at him, with wonder in her face and now his eyes are fully open. She thinks he's beautiful? Her gaze hungrily moves over all of him, but instead of feeling exposed, he feels … wanted. He didn't know he could feel so full, so … treasured.

But then she blinks, and the spell is broken. "Well, this is hardly fair," she says with a nervous laugh. And before he can even move to help her, she's completely bare before him.

Dear gods, he can't breathe. He's finally seeing her, all of her, and she's more exquisite then he could have ever imagined. Touch her, he has to touch her. He turns to his side and she mirrors his movement. Slowly, he begins at her waist, smoothing his hand along her hip, then her thigh, then as far down has he can reach.

"You're so soft," he croons. "Rey … I … I never could have imagined how beautiful _you_ are."

Then she's kissing him again, and he swears his heart stops beating when she presses against him. All of her. He's feeling all of her, and he can't form thoughts, words, nothing but the sensation of _Rey _invading all of his senses.

He's no longer nervous about her feeling his hardness and he begins to move against her rhythmically.

"Force, I never knew anything could feel so good," he gasps out. Her silken thigh against him rewrites his definition of pleasure and he knows, without a doubt, that he will finish if he keeps going.

Every nerve ending in his body is alight; needy, yearning, to be as close as he can to Rey. But he's not ready to take that step, join with her as completely as possible. This, just this.

He groans into the crook of her neck as he keeps thrusting against her. He should stop. He really should stop. But somehow Rey recognizes his struggle.

She cards her fingers through his hair. "Yes, Ben. Please. I want to feel you come undone against me."

"But what about you?" he shudders out, barely able to find words.

"Your pleasure is my pleasure."

Now she's rocking against him and breathing hard in tandem with his pants. Oh gods, oh gods, he can't hold on! He doesn't want to.

Then it doesn't matter because he's past the point of no return and he speeds up. Yes, yes, yes! Light explodes behind his eyes as his release is pulled from him in desperate arcs, coating her thigh with his spend. Bright, hot ecstasy takes over his whole body and he's shouting out Rey's name.

Swiftly, he finds her eyes, afraid he's somehow hurt her, but she's smiling a languid, contented smile.

"Rey … I love you. I love you."

She strokes a bit of his hair behind his ear. "I love you. More than I know how to say."

He's beginning to come down from his incandescent high, and the nagging sense of unfulfillment is only growing stronger. Rey … he's been so selfish. He wants to give her the same beautiful sense of release and searing love … but he has no idea _how._

"I … I want … you didn't …" he stutters out.

She sighs contentedly. "It doesn't matter. Making you feel like that, it's enough for now."

He frowns, deeply. "No. It's not. Unless … unless you don't want me to."

Rey's eyebrows rise. "Of course I do. I just didn't want you to feel you … had to."

Suddenly noticing the sticky mess between him, he swiftly makes it disappear with a thought and rolls her on her back. This way he has full access to the embarrassment of riches that is his Rey.

"I want to. But ... " Damn this nervousness!

"But?"

"I … I don't really know … how," he admits, feeling like a batha's ass.

She grins wickedly. "Lucky for you, I _do_."

Gently, she takes his hand and settles it over the small thatch of curls hiding her treasures from him. He's taken with the idea that he'd like to spread her legs and really _see_. But that seems like too much.

"Touch me. Explore," she invites.

Oh. Oh, he's absolutely fine with that. He knows the basics of her anatomy; he's seen holoporn. But that all seems so tawdry when he considers Rey, and he'd hated having to use it for reference for his more detailed fantasies.

And now he has permission to find out what she feels like. He's almost giddy in his eagerness. Slowly, he parts the fine curls and is elated to find that her folds are slick. Experimentally, he dips a finger between them, very shallowly.

Maker, she's so hot, and he just wants to sink into her. Even with just his fingers, it's enticingly _forbidden_. Stroking along her labia, he tries to find the center of her pleasure, knowing that's where he's really needed.

At least that's what he's gleaned.

But without being able to see, he's getting hopelessly lost. Then she takes pity on him and places her hand over his. "Here," she breathes out.

Then she's guiding two of his fingers, until they're on either side of a hard little nub of flesh. Ah! There it is. She encourages him to stroke back and forth, and soon she's moaning out the most amazing sounds.

She pulls away her hand, and he falters for a moment without her to guide him. But soon he finds his way again, and he strokes just as she'd shown him.

"Ben, yes," she groans, and he doesn't think he's ever felt like more of a man as he does in this moment.

Her head is thrown back, and it's so much more erotic than he'd ever properly grasped. She starts to whimper, then she's begging, "Faster."

Right. Okay. He can do that. He shifts his hand slightly and increases his pace. As soon as he does, her back arches and she swears a particularly colorful bit of Huttese. Apparently, he's doing it right.

There's a flush moving from her neck all the way down her glorious breasts and she's actually panting. Stars, is this really happening? Is he really giving Rey the pleasure she's given him? Even if his hand falls off, he's not stopping until she crests. The Knights of Ren could break down the door and he'd keep going.

Her noises are growing louder, and she's begun to chant his name. His name, moaned out like that … it has him twitching with renewed want.

Her hand shoots out and grabs him by the hair, tearing his face towards her. With wide eyes, she hisses, "Yes," then she's kissing him like she never has before. He feels claimed. He feels taken as her hips buck wildly against his hand. It's hard to keep his position, but he manages. Nothing, nothing but her pleasure matters in this moment.

She pulls away from him. "Too sensitive," she gasps out. "Stop."

His hand stills immediately, and he looks into her rosy-red face and glassy eyes. "Did you …?"

"Force, did I," she laughs out, putting her hand to her forehead. "You really are the other half of me."

He desperately wants to ask her if did it right, if she liked it, but the way she's smiling at him gives him enough of an answer. For now.

Nestling next to her, she cuddles into his embrace and his whole body feels relaxed in an entirely new way. His hand is cramping a bit, but he truly doesn't care.

He has Rey in his arms, naked and sated.

What more could he ever want?

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare. Sending you extra good vibes, my dear friend.

Thank you, Readers. Giving your time in reading, follows, favorites, and reviews are giving me life! Here's a new chapter (now with naked Ben!) just a day later to express my thanks. You are all simply beautiful souls.


	9. Chapter 9

Rey groans in pain as she sits up in bed. She rubs her eyes with her good hand and simply sits with hunched shoulders for a disturbingly long time. Should he touch her now? It's not as if it's going to get easier for either of them if he waits.

But then she takes a deep breath and stands, still in yesterday's clothes. Her steps are heavy and defeated as she makes her way to the galley. He follows closely, wincing with her as she navigates around her broken arm. BB-8 whistles a concerned sound.

"It feels a little better; I'm supposed to take the splint off in six days. Until then, though. I'm cooped up here. Good thing there's plenty of rations."

His heart sinks when she grabs one of the tasteless field ration bars instead of one made up of proper food. Why does she insist on pushing away every single thing that could make her feel better?

She catches her injured arm on a cabinet and hisses in pain. The guilt is overwhelming. She should be in bed, healing, while he brings her anything and everything she even _thinks _she might want. Hell, she never should have been hurt in the first place.

A simmering anger, that's been waiting to pounce, begins to boil over. This is just _wrong_. He has to find a way to return to her. He won't let her live her life alone, even if she can remember he's here. It's not _enough_. Rey deserves a whole partner. A man who can share her burdens and defend her when necessary. Not this shade that he's become.

She sits at the table and silently chews the dry food, occasionally sipping from her canteen. Her eyes … they're so lifeless and desolate.

Once she's finished with her meal, he warns, "Rey … I'm going to touch you now. And I know it brings you pain. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Standing behind her, he settles his hand on her shoulder. Instantly, she sits up straight, looking around.

"That's it, sweetheart. Feel me with you."

But then she's breaking down, gasping sobs being ripped from her throat. "Why did you leave me!" she exclaims plaintively.

"How could you!" she wails, but he keeps his hand firmly in place.

"I can't take it, I can't take it. Please, make it stop. Make it stop," she sobs out and he can't take it, either. He knows he should hold firm, but she's started to cry so hard that she's having trouble catching her breath while BB-8 just keeps nudging her knee.

"What am I going to do?" Her voice is full of so much pain; he has to stop. So he removes his hand and she inhales sharply.

Then she slumps forward on the table, hiding her face in the crook of the elbow of her unbroken arm. She's calming, but still weeps silently.

"I'm sorry, Rey. I'm so sorry," he chokes out. But all he can do is stay close and watch how she trembles.

* * *

She'd stared at nothing for over an hour, blinking occasionally, barely moving. He'd hovered near, wondering if he should try touching her again.

Then she'd stood quickly and pulled out one of his dad's old holonovels. Returning to bed, she'd wrapped his shirt around herself like a shawl and had begun to read. Now she seems almost at peace, engrossed in the story. He lays next to her, careful not to touch.

Eventually, the curiosity gets to be too much for him, and he peeks over her shoulder to find out what the story is about.

Oh. Oh! It's apparently a rather racy part, and the two twi-leks are kissing heatedly. She takes in a sharp breath as the scene becomes quite a bit more graphic. At first, he thinks he might need to remove himself, that perhaps she's going to … well, he wouldn't want to intrude without her permission.

For a moment his thoughts go down that path and he hopes one day she'll let him watch. The thought of Rey stroking that same perfect bud, bringing herself to completion while he devoured the picture she'd make, it _does_ something to him.

He hears her shudder and his eyes fly to her face to find more tears falling down her cheeks. "I wish I could have known you, just once … just once have felt you like this," she mourns.

No wonder she's been so impatient. She's been living with that loss every day, while he sees it as in their future. His lips pull into a deep frown as he understands that his caution has been hard on her. Should he have made love to her that first night, like she'd wanted?

Later. He'll think about this later, because right now, Rey is quietly crying and, even though it will bring her more pain, he has to try again.

He puts his arm around her, and she moans, "Oh, gods. Ben! It's like you're here, but you can't be. You're dead … you're dead …"

"I'm here, please, please hear me."

Her breath hitches and she looks around, as if she's heard him. "Ben?"

"Yes! Yes, I'm right here, Rey."

She flings his shirt away and swiftly stands, grasping her forehead. "I'm losing my mind. You're dead! I can't … I can't afford to hope."

Ben stays behind in her quarters as she flees to another part of the ship. What else can he do? It's almost as if she herself is keeping him out.

* * *

There's a moment, just as they reunite in her dreams, where they look at each other with such sadness.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"No, no … you have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm so afraid to hope that I can't let myself believe you're there. I felt you, so strongly. But it was like my mind rebelled, pushed you away."

"Oh, Rey … come here." He opens his arms and then she's wrapping herself tightly around him; their soul sighs out in completion. "You've been so ill-used. Of course you're protecting yourself." It stings that she feels the need to guard her heart, even against him, but it's not as if he'd done much in his life to invite her trust.

"But you're there, you're right there. Today, I swear that I heard you."

This makes him perk up considerably. He wasn't entirely sure she'd be able to hear him. He'd made himself believe he could be content with her remembering that he's with her, their communication confined to her dreams.

"Then we're making progress," he comforts.

Her face is mulish when she admits, "I suppose. I just … can you ask your mother?"

"I have … she says she doesn't know what to do, either. Just that I have to keep trying."

"_We_ have to keep trying," she says with determination.

"Just so," he agrees.

She sags slightly in his arms and he tightens his hold. He lets himself simply hold her for a long while.

"I know I've tried to … distract you, distract myself from this whole situation, but … can you take me somewhere beautiful? The days are so hard. Let me be happy tonight. With you."

His heart cracks in his chest at her plaintive tone. "Of course, sweetheart. Of course."

She nods into his chest and he asks, "Do you like snow?"

He's surprised when she snorts, rather loudly. She looks up into his face. "Well, I've only ever seen it twice. Both times involving you."

"Ah." He gets her meaning immediately. _Starkiller _and while he was hunting her. "Perhaps I should select somewhere else."

Rey shakes her head firmly. "No. Let's make good memories in the snow. Show me."

Her stalwart nature never ceases to amaze him. Nothing seems to lay her low. Nothing but losing him …

Standing back from her, he makes a small smile. "Well, first we'll need a change of wardrobe. Shenden is quite cold."

He closes his eyes and imagines her fitted out for the weather, and when he looks at her again, he grins widely. Her winsome face peeks out from a large, fur-lined hood, the white of the lining melding into the ivory of her long, warm coat. It reaches the ground, almost looking like a dress. It nips in at her slim waist and, while he's always thought she was regal, in this she looks stunningly elegant.

He himself is in a long winter cloak, also with a fur-lined hood, though he's in his customary black. He may not align himself with the dark any longer, but he's not about to deviate from his preferred garb.

"Oh!" she gasps as her eyes race between looking down on herself and eyeing him up and down. The gleam he finds in her appraising gaze makes him feel ridiculously handsome and he stands a bit taller.

Simply preparing to take her to the snow has him already forgetting her broken state during the day; his excitement pushes away his fear for her.

"You look exquisite," he says, taking her cream-colored gloved hands.

"If I look half as good as you, I hope we're going somewhere warm, after," she teases with a wink.

He thinks of the lodge and its massive fireplace and he gives her a knowing grin. "I think you'll be happy."

"I'm always happy when I'm with you." It's meant to be an off-hand remark, but the truth of it pushes into him. Happy. He can't remember ever being truly happy before, but here, in Rey's dreams, his chest nearly bursts with it every moment.

Has he ever been the source of someone's happiness? That just his presence brings the light to their eyes? He must have been, when he was small. He can't remember it. No, what he remembers is suspicion, contempt, or fear. But not with Rey.

"As am I," he murmurs. Then he kisses her, gently, sweetly, but full of how much he loves her. "Now," he says, clearing his throat. "Let's go to Shenden."

* * *

The massive glacier towers in the distance, and while he does want to take her there, it's the ice forest he's really intent on. Before them are pale trees with long, slender branches. Where the leaves once were, little icicles cling and the light from the full moons glint off of their shimmering surface. The effect is as if the trees were dripping with thousands of gleaming jewels.

At first Rey doesn't really notice, too busy trying to catch a snowflake on her tongue. "I never had time to really notice snow before," she remarks.

He opens his mouth to apologize but before he even begins, she says, "Nope. Don't even think about it. Happy. With you. Remember?"

Chuckling, he acknowledges, "I do. I do. Now, look." He points to the forest and she stills.

"Ben," she breathes out once she finds her voice. "It's … I … I never knew something like this existed!"

"I'm going to show you every beautiful place I've ever been."

Her shinning eyes catch his, and she says in a low voice, "Thank you."

"Oh, my love, it gives me such pleasure to see you smile. I would do almost anything for that smile."

"Lucky for you, you make me want to smile. All the time."

The snow is catching on the fur of her hood, framing her face with delicate snowflakes and he has to kiss her, fiercely. Slanting his mouth against hers, he slides his tongue into her mouth, the contrast of her cold lips and hot tongue making him shiver, among _other_ reactions. Gods, he should take her to the lodge,_ right now_.

Wait, now. The forest. He wants to show her the forest. He slows his assault on her lips and breaths in rapidly, trying to calm himself.

She blinks at him, looking a bit dazed.

"Sorry about that," he offers.

"Never, ever apologize for kissing me like _that_, Ben Solo."

"Yes, well, I didn't bring you here for that. Well … only that. Come on!" He takes her hand, the leather of their gloves creaking as their fingers slide together.

He pulls her into the forest, right into the clearing at the center. And just as he'd hoped, the wind picks up. Soon the air is filled with the sound of the ice clinking together. It's an eerie, other-worldly sound, but he finds it beautiful. He hopes she does, too.

Rey looks up at the cathedral-like canopy, with the moonlight streaming through the branches and simply stares. Then she pulls away from him and she's slowly spinning, her coat whirling out from her. She looks like some sort of mythical creature, and he knows he'll never see anything more perfect than Rey in the snow, turning in her joy and freedom.

* * *

They stomp through the lodge's large, impressive entryway, shaking the snow from themselves. Rey strips off her gloves and starts to rub her hands together. He immediately removes his own gloves and takes her hands, softly massaging them. His hands are much warmer, and she groans in gratification.

"You're cold," he observes, replacing her long coat with a dry tunic and leggings in a moment's thought.

There's a huge fire crackling in the hearth, surrounded by large cushions just begging for him to lay her down, make her comfortable.

He shucks off his own cloak and guides her into the cozy room, decorated in rich velvets and dark colors. The only source of light is the fire, casting everything in warmth and shadow. Settling her down in a cushion large enough for the two of them, he sits down next to her and pulls her into his lap.

Once he has her where he wants her, he wraps her up in his embrace and nuzzles into the crook of her neck. "Better?" he purrs.

"Gods, yes, Ben. This place, it's … it's …"

"Just where you want to be after being out in the snow."

"Yes!" she exclaims brightly. "That's exactly right."

"Are you warm enough?" he asks.

She turns in his lap until she's straddling him. "I don't know … maybe you better make sure."

Knowing what that look in her eyes means, he thwarts her intentions by kissing her first, controlling it, keeping it languid and slow.

Slow, he wants to go slow.

Lifting her up by her waist, he lays her back on the large cushion and starts by kissing her. Then he moves to just under her ear, kissing down her neck.

When he reaches her collarbone, he croons, "Are you warm enough here?"

"Uh huh."

His hands move up under her tunic and his breath catches at how soft her skin is. He thinks he could spend an entire evening just smoothing his hands over her silken skin. But instead, he works his hands under breast band and cups them with his large hands.

"How about here?"

"I think you better kiss them. Just to make sure."

"Yes, excellent idea."

He manages to undo her breast band, then has her out of her shirt in no time, kissing along her truly magnificent breasts, swiping her nipples with his tongue. She gasps and arches into his touch.

But he must make sure the rest of her is warm, so he kisses down until he reaches her belly, caressing just above her waistband. "What about here, are you warm enough here?"

Rey huffs out in frustration. "Yes, I'm warm enough there." She's clearly getting impatient, so he whisks off her leggings in one sure move. Somehow, now that they've seen each other laid bare, his old confidence seems to be waking up. He's not so nervous, not so careful.

The firelight flickers against her golden skin, making her glow, somehow making her that much more beautiful.

"Look at you, so perfect, so luscious. So _mine_," he growls.

Her eyes widen and she grins a saucy grin. Suddenly, he's completely naked. "If you can make clothes appear, I can make them _disappear_," she says with a self-satisfied smile.

"Come here, you naughty thing," he rumbles as he covers her with his frame, his hardness settled against her heat.

They both gasp at the contact, still so new. Still so transcendent. The energy shifts quickly, and all he can really focus on is how she feels. Last night, his lust had been so powerful that it had blotted out what he was really experiencing.

He's naked. Completely open to her in all ways. And she is to him. This, this is the most intimate, gorgeous feeling he's ever felt. All that skin, all of _Rey_, in his arms. He gazes into her eyes and finds them wet, a tear threatening to break free.

"I never knew … I never knew I could ever feel this close to someone."

"Neither did I … neither did I."

"Love me, Ben. Please love me," she entreats.

The nervousness is back in all its frustrating glory, but he wants this. How he wants this. It feels preordained. It feels like destiny. It feels like what they were made for.

Holding her eyes intensely, trying to tell her what she means to him, he nods slowly.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, for making me the most spoiled fic writer out there. I bet no one else gets to send off their chapter and get feedback within the hour. Princess Perry is pleased.

Thank you, Readers! Three days, three chapters! Let's see if I can keep going! You are all so important to me, I desperately wish I could have you over for a Reylo tea. Love, love, love!


	10. Chapter 10

He gazes down on her, still reeling from the feeling of her beneath him. Ben realizes that they're really going to do this. The only sound is the crackling of the fire and their breathing, the snow outside making it oddly quiet. He strokes her face tenderly, accepting it's time.

The anticipated timidity in him never arrives. This is right. This is _perfect._

Now that they've decided they're going to seal their bond with their bodies, the enormity of it all bears down on him. He's going to be inside _Rey_, the way she's inside his heart. In a way, it feels inevitable. They share a soul, of course they would merge their bodies.

But he doesn't want a repeat of yesterday, when he had his fulfillment before she did, and he knows what he's going to do. Well, if she'll let him. Just thinking about it makes him harden further against her. He's imagined it so many times, putting all of himself into making her wail and quiver.

She's gazing into his eyes with such adoration, but he sees a spark of nervousness. Ah, so she _does_ feel some trepidation about taking this step.

Trying to find courage he doesn't feel, he promises, "I'm going to take such good care of you."

A light shines in her eyes and she nods. "I know you will."

"First … first I want to taste you," he offers with hesitance, the very words making him throb. For all he knows, she's never even heard of a man doing that for a woman. While it sounds like the most decadent thing he can imagine, maybe she won't like the idea.

The hunger in her eyes tells him immediately that yes, yes Rey knows what he's suggested. But then her eyes narrow slightly. "You aren't trying to distract me, are you?"

"No … no. Tonight, we _will_ make love, but I want to make sure you're ready."

She huffs out a breath. "I've _been _ready for longer than you'd probably be comfortable with."

"While that's a very interesting bit of knowledge, I mean ready for _me_, to uh … take me." He knows the first time for a woman can be painful, and he'll be damned if he hurts her. No, he's going to do everything he can to ensure she's ready, open, and _begging _for him. Not that he's particularly concerned about her eagerness.

"Oh … well that's very thoughtful of you." Then she cringes and starts to blush. "I mean … yes, I'd like that." Her face scrunches up. "Force, I can't say it right."

He lets out a chuckle and kisses her soundly. Pulling back, he says, "It's alright. I think I understand."

It hits him, then. That he's finally going to be able to really see Rey's most private of places. Just the thought makes his mouth water with anticipation.

Slowly, he begins his journey back down her body, kissing and sucking a trail between her breasts, along the expanse of all the soft skin of her abdomen, then finally he's kissing just above the fine curls of her mons.

Oh, Maker, he can smell the rich, deeply feminine scent of her arousal and it baits the wild thing that lives in his chest. There's something instinctive about being with Rey, a glorious tension between ease and ferocity.

Caressing the thatch of curls as he moves, he nibbles slightly at her thigh, making her gasp and her legs part slightly. Yes, that's it. He needs to have her laid out wide open for his eyes and mouth to feast upon.

While he wants, very much, to feel her all around his face, he's equally excited to know her in this way, to see her tantalizing folds, be able to more than imagine what the center of her pleasure truly looks like.

He kisses along her inner thigh, asking for permission to enter with his nose. Slowly, her trembling thighs open for him, and he uses his hands to spread her even wider. He can just see how her labia glistens in the firelight, and he loses all sense of caution, immediately descending on her.

He's addicted from the first taste. He nudges past her folds until he finds her entrance, impossibly eager to delve his tongue deep inside her. He's not quite sure if she'll like that, but the only way he can learn is to experiment.

Thrusting into her, he's overwhelmed by the intense sense of Rey; her taste, her scent, her texture—all of it calls to his basest nature and his cock hardens further. As he moves in and out, he's lost to the notion of how it will feel to be buried in this warm, velvet place.

Her thighs quiver, but she keeps rolling her hips with a hint of impatience. As much as he doesn't want to stop what he's doing, it's clear she wants something different, so he pulls back, lifting his head to look up at her.

Already growing flushed, her eyes blink down on him.

"Tell me what you need," he requests with a slight growl to his voice.

She makes a lopsided smile. "Well, I'm not really sure, but maybe if you used your tongue the way you used your fingers?"

Right, of course. He'd been so enraptured by the feel of her around his tongue he hadn't thought about the phenomenal bud that is the nexus of her bliss. He nods that he's heard her and oh so gently, parts her folds with his fingers until he sees a hard, red button. It beckons to him and he slowly begins to lick circles around it.

"Force, yes, Ben. Right there. Please, don't stop," she pants out.

He wants to try different things, but she seems to like this so well that he focuses on keeping a steady rhythm. He'd noticed she seemed to need that when he was using his fingers.

Ben nearly yelps when her hand grabs his hair, hard. Then she's pressing his face against her, and he gets the message, increasing the pressure. The way this small bundle of nerves feels against his tongue is unlike anything else he's ever experienced. It keeps getting harder, and, gods, she's growing even wetter, coating his chin with _Rey_.

She's whimpering, needy and desperate. Then he hears a note of frustration in her cries. He doesn't want to stop, he can almost feel the tension building, but she's not telling him what she needs. If only he had the Force, he could likely nudge her with his mind.

But instead, he replaces his tongue with his fingers and lifts his head. Her hair is fanned out on the cushion and her breasts heave with her harsh pants. When their eyes connect, the unfiltered heat he finds in her gaze makes his cock twitch hopefully.

"What do you need?" he rumbles.

"I don't know!" she cries in frustration. "More!"

"Faster? Harder?"

"Ben, I've never done this before, I don't know! Maybe just keep using your fingers?"

He frowns. That won't do, because, by the gods, he _will_ feel Rey come undone under his tongue.

Wait. Fingers. Swiftly, he begins to lap at her again and he takes his now slick digits and, almost cautiously, places one at her entrance, slowly pressing into her. Stars, she's so tight, how is he ever going to fit?

But then she relaxes, and he starts to increase his speed, marveling at the texture of her walls. His eyes nearly roll back in his head as he imagines how it will feel to replace his fingers with himself.

She's grown quieter, now just breathing fast and hard, punctuated by the occasional moan. Does she not like it?

He starts to pull his hand away when she snarls, "Don't you dare stop."

Oh! She liked it. He continues to thrust his finger into her and decides to add another. The more open he can make her, the better she will be able to receive him.

As her walls stretch around the second digit, she whines out, "Ben, holy hell, that's it! That's it!"

Clearly, she needs stimulation in both places when he uses his tongue, but it's a little hard to maintain the circles the way she needs them as well as keep up the constant beat of his fingers inside and he falters.

"Please, don't stop, don't stop," she begs.

This is very complicated, but he'll be damned if he doesn't figure it out. Focusing hard, he finally manages to coordinate his movements and the string of obscenities falling from her mouth might make him blush if he didn't have a face full of Rey.

Wait. He's feeling something, a tightening around his fingers. Is that good? Does that mean she's close? She certainly seems close. Then there's almost a fluttering and her thighs begin to shake. Yes, yes, yes!

The hand still in his locks clenches so hard he thinks she might have pulled out some hair, while her other fist slams down on the cushion.

She arches off of the pillow and she screams out, "Ben!"

Oh gods, she closes around his hand so tightly she almost pushes him out, but he keeps thrusting and her muscles contract around his fingers a few times. Then she falls back on the cushion and, remembering how she'd become too sensitive, he slows his attentions until he pulls back, looking up at her.

She looks _debauched_. An enticing flush spreads from her face all the way down her breasts, and her forehead glistens with sweat. Rey's eyes are closed as she gasps for breath.

He lets out a decidedly undignified yelp when she sits up and drags him up her body. Then she's kissing him like he's something delicious, and he tries to match her fervor. Does she mind tasting herself? Does he really care?

After a most thorough kissing, Rey pulls away from his lips and looks into his eyes with unguarded amazement. "How … how did you … what did you _do_ to me?"

"So … you liked it?" he asks, a bit bashfully.

"Oh, Ben. I more than liked it. I've never come so hard in my life!"

He grins and presses her further into the cushion with his body and says, "So you'll let me do it again?"

She looks at him like he's daft. "You'll be lucky if I ever want you to do anything else!"

He's inordinately pleased with himself. He'd so wanted to make it good for her. Basking in his accomplishment, he's not at all prepared for when Rey's hand snakes between them and grasps him hesitantly.

His body is already primed and ready for her, so excited by the euphoria of her orgasm, that he's shocked at how quickly the urge to just _come_ takes him over. Thankfully, she doesn't really know how to stroke him. She's too cautious and ginger, so maybe he won't end up embarrassing himself.

She shifts her face, catching his eyes. "You feel so good in my hand. Show me how to touch you," she demands, pushing him over onto his back.

"Rey," he pleads in a plaintive tone. "If … if you do that … I won't be able to … uhm … perform," he finishes awkwardly.

"Just a little. I want to know what you like, too."

"Well, I like _you_. Just you touching me—" He gasps as she tightens her hold, moving the delicate skin over his hardness. Force, it feels wonderful. Too wonderful.

Unfortunately … fortunately? She takes the hint from his reaction and begins to move her hand up and down, keeping a steady pace. Just what he needs. Or doesn't, in this case. Oh, gods, his core is tightening with pleasure. She has to stop!

"Rey, please," he entreats.

Her face grows wounded and now the love of all of his lifetimes speeds up. "Don't you like it?"

Trying desperately not to burst, he chokes out, "I love it, but I'm gonna—"

And then it's too late, the dam breaks and he's calling out, lost in a haze of shame and ecstasy.

"Oh!" she exclaims in surprise as his release arcs from him and lands on her breasts.

All he can do is cover his face with his hands. He can't even say anything, too embarrassed to form words. Stupid, stupid Ben Solo, always ruining everything.

"Ben?"

He feels her lay next to him and she puts her face on his chest. "What's wrong?" she asks in a timid voice. She takes in a long shuddering breath. "Was I … was I bad at that?"

_That_ kicks him into gear, and he pulls his hands from his face, declaring fiercely. "No! No … that's not it _at all_. You were perfect. I just … we were … I said I'd make love to you." His cheeks _burn_ with humiliation.

Her head tilts. "Why can't we still?"

"I … can't now. At least not for a while."

"Huh. I guess men are different that way."

"Uhm. Yes." He has no desire to explain the particulars of male orgasms to her.

Her eyes fill with intense confusion. "So we wait, we still have half the night … I don't … I don't see the problem."

And just like that, Rey has managed to reframe everything with her usual straightforward manner. She's right. And now he has a shot at not making a fool of himself when it _really_ matters.

He smiles at her widely. "You're perfect."

She rolls her eyes. "Hardly."

"You are. You're perfect. Don't argue."

Snorting, she says, "I hate to tell you this … but that's pretty unlikely."

"Oh, I know."

* * *

They talk about nothing and everything, enjoying the warmth of the fire. He loves how it brings out glints of gold in her mane. He's holding her, her back to his front, his legs tucked behind hers.

"I love your hair," he blurts out.

"I love yours, too. It's so soft. Softer than mine."

"Hmm, well, I don't know about that." He's struck by an idea, and once it's lodged in his brain, it's all he wants to do.

"May I brush it?" he asks.

"You want to brush my hair?" she asks, not unkindly.

"Very much."

"Uhm, yeah, sure."

In a moment, there's a brush in his hand and he encourages her to sit up. He sits behind her, framing her with his legs and begins at the ends, gently working his way through the silk of her hair.

"Oh my gods, that feels amazing!"

"I'm glad you like it," he murmurs, getting lost in the cadence of the brush.

"Mmmmm," she lets out. Then she starts to moan with pleasure, making him think of all together different things he loves about Rey.

He keeps brushing, and the noises she's making are positively filthy, reminding him intensely of how she'd groaned while he had his face buried between her thighs. Now his thoughts replay the sheer eroticism of Rey coming undone around his tongue and fingers.

She wriggles back against his growing erection. "I guess you really do like brushing my hair!"

Then she's turning in his arms and looking into his eyes with adoration and desire. They simply stare at each other. _Into_ each other. Slowly, she moves forward, capturing his lips and he sighs into her mouth.

Hooking his arm under her legs, then behind her back, he easily lifts her, holding her eyes the whole time.

As he lays her back, he asks in a reverent tone, "Do you still want this?"

"Yes, oh yes. Please make me yours."

"Forever," he promises.

He sits back on his knees and just looks at her. She's so perfect. Even the scars she bears from a life of toil are perfect, highlighting how incredible she is. He didn't really know what passion was until she crashed into his life. And now, he sometimes feels as if he'll explode from wanting her, needing her, _craving_ her.

This woman, this indescribable woman is _his_. She'll only ever be his, and he'll only ever be hers. Literally made for each other.

He waits for the nervousness to come, but it doesn't. He feels like everything is exactly as it should be.

Stretching out beside her, he begins kissing her again, thrusting his tongue in her mouth the way he'll soon be moving inside her. An ancient sort of instinct takes him over and he gently parts her thighs, finding her center. He's already much more confident at navigating her, and he strokes the pads of his fingers along her opening.

She's still slick from his earlier ministrations, and he uses the moisture to ease his way as he enters her with two fingers. Her hands thread through his hair as she moans softly.

"You're already so good at that."

"I was made for you; I should be."

As she relaxes around him, he adds a third digit. He doesn't want to take any chances that he'll cause her pain.

"Oh, gods," she groans.

He notices a patch just inside her that's a different texture and he wonders … He crooks his fingers and concentrates on it.

Her Huttese is coming out again; she must like it, so he keeps going.

"Ben! I … I …" she babbles.

"That's it, Rey. Just let go. Let me make you ready."

Her eyes fly to his swiftly. "Oh, I'm ready."

Now he does feel a flash of trepidation. It's time. It's time for him, after over a year of desperate fantasies, to finally join with his bondmate.

It feels like the most important thing they'll ever do, and yet also just a formality. They're already so enmeshed.

He pulls his hand away, easing out slowly, and rolls on top of her. Her legs immediately open, making room for him. The feel of her plump folds against him makes him breathe in sharply, and he's now quite grateful that he'd found his release earlier. He has no doubt he would have made a poor showing indeed had he not.

Holding her eyes, he takes himself in hand, already hard just from her breathy cries. He strokes his head along her opening, trying to find her entrance. She's so wet, his cock moves easily along her. But he can't quite figure out where he is, and he pleads with her with his eyes.

She smiles and reaches between them, widening her legs further. Holding him together, they guide his hardness until he feels it. Oh … oh sweet mother of … he's only just slipped into her, and he's already spiraling. She feels … life-altering.

Still keeping his eyes locked with hers, he begins to thrust into her, so slowly, so carefully. If he hurt her … She's so exquisitely tight, even though he'd done his best to prepare her. As he sinks deeper, he catches a slight flinch on her face and stills.

"Am I going to fast?" he asks in a low voice.

She breathes in and shakes her head. "No! I'm just not used to being so … full." Then her eyes grow so open. "Full of you."

He continues to sink into her until he feels himself fully seated within her heat. Force, it's like this is where he was always meant to be. Finally, everything comes into focus and their bodies are in synch with their soul.

They are one in all ways.

He blinks down on her, not quite believing he could feel this filled at the same time as he's filling her. It's as if every tattered, badly made part of him has been made whole. Clean.

"Rey …" Her name is the only word sacred enough to embody what he's feeling.

"Ben," she answers in kind.

And then he starts to move. Her walls hold him, caress him, take and give, creating such beauty in his heart. Her legs come up around him as she hooks her ankles behind his back, making him feel so treasured.

He wants to tell her that she's everything he's ever wanted, needed, dreamed, imagined. He wants to tell her that he'll never let her go, that he couldn't after this. He wants to tell her that she gives him meaning and purpose.

But all he can find to say is, "I love you, Rey, I love you."

"I love you," she responds to his call.

Now she's moving her hips to meet him, and she's urging him to increase his pace with her movements. The hot, slick perfection of her shoots up his spine and he hopes she feels as glorious as he does.

"Does it … do I feel good?" he asks, his nervousness showing through.

"Oh my gods, Ben … I didn't know I could feel like this, so much, all at once. You, Force, _you_."

The tone of her voice, the truth in her eyes, they make him need to make sure she, too, finds release, so he tries to angle himself to hit that spot she'd liked so much.

Her nails dig into his shoulders and she throws back her head. He misses her eyes, but the way she's almost thrashing nearly makes up for it. Concentrating on maintaining this new slant to his hips, he's able to stave off his own building orgasm.

Because he _will_ get her there, he absolutely refuses to leave her unfulfilled, not when he knows his own pleasure would be so easy to find.

He never wants to stop thrusting into her; nothing, nothing at all has ever come close to this. Oh gods, and all the different ways he could claim her. His prodigious trove of fantasies spring into his head and he firmly pushes them away.

Rey, this is about Rey.

Then her hands fly to his face and her eyes bore into his. "Yes, Ben, yes!" she chants as he feels those incredible contractions begin.

He can barely think through the sensation of her fluttering around him, and then there's a particularly deep undulation against him and Rey is screaming. She's gods be damned screaming his name, all the while her eyes are on his.

Something about knowing she came around him, that it was _his_ cock bringing her such powerful release has him pistoning into her with abandon. He knows he should be gentle, but he just can't. He feels like an animal, wild and free.

His vision tunnels as his orgasm crashes over him, almost violent in its intensity. His back bows and he bellows out inarticulate noises of completion and devotion. Always devotion.

To Rey.

Collapsing on top of her, he somehow manages to remember to take most of his weight on his knees and elbows and they stare at each other as if in shock.

He wants to explain what this has meant to him, and he's trying desperately to find the words when Rey grins and says, "Wow."

And there it is. She manages, once again, to get straight to the heart of the matter. Wow, indeed.

Suddenly words are overrated and all he can do is kiss her.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, for excellent suggestions this round!

Thank you, Readers! Phew, four days, four chapters, and almost 4,000 words of smut! You all keep me going at this pace with your enthusiasm. Knowing this story matters to you makes it impossible not to write. Thank you all so, so much.


	11. Chapter 11

Kissing her while still inside her, feeling all of her body pressed against his, it's overwhelming. _He just made love to Rey._ After months of furious longing and seemingly unrequited love, he's here, with her in every way he can be.

Had this really happened? Is he the one dreaming? He pulls back and looks down on her open, loving face. Her eyes show no guile, no hint of regret, just shining adoration. Gods, he has to make it back to her properly, live this life that's so tantalizingly close.

There's a tendril of her hair across her cheek that he gently strokes behind her ear. His heart chlenches at how beautiful she is framed by the rich purple of the cushion's velvet.

"Rey … that was … _you_ were …" he trails off, still not knowing what to say. How could there ever be words to describe what they've shared?

"I know. Being with you like this, it feels so …" Now she's the one searching for words.

"Right," he finishes for her. "It feels right."

"Yes, like … like …"

"Giving our bond form."

"Exactly," she agrees.

He suddenly realizes he's settled on top of her, that he must be growing heavy and starts to roll to the side, but her eyes widen in panic and she firmly holds him inside with her legs still wrapped around his waist.

"Don't leave!" she exclaims.

"I … I wasn't. I just thought this must be uncomfortable for you."

She scoffs. "Uncomfortable? This is the most amazing feeling I've ever felt. Stay. Right where you are, stay."

He relaxes into her, and even though he's begun to soften, he still feels so connected with her. If he could, he'd spend all his time buried inside his beloved. Because it _does_ feel right. Like this is the truest expression of their connection.

They're simply not meant to be apart.

* * *

Holding her as closely as he can, chasing that feeling of being with her so completely, he cards his fingers through her hair. She's let it grow longer, now it almost reaches her shoulder blades. He should ask her to keep letting her hair grow, he wants to feel it skim his chest when she straddles him.

She's grown rather quiet and he looks down on her face pressed into his chest to find her eyes … sad?

"Rey?"

"Hmmm?" she acknowledges.

Swiftly, he's consumed by the fear that he's misjudged everything. Is she alright? Did he hurt her? Does she wish she hadn't given him this profound gift?

"What's wrong?" he asks in a choked voice.

She starts to trace patterns on his chest and sighs. "I hate that I won't know when I wake up. That we shared this beautiful thing and I'll think it was just another good dream that will fade by mid-day."

Oh, Maker, he hadn't thought about that. In fact, she'll be waking soon, and he'll have to let her go. And on top of that, he's going to have to keep trying to reach her, watch her heart break over and over again.

"I won't touch you today," he decides firmly. He's not sure he can. Not after this.

"No!" she exclaims, going up on one elbow. "You have to keep trying. I know it's hard, but … after this … I have to remember. I just have to."

There's an urgency to her plea that makes him tilt his head in query. "Rey?"

Her eyes fill with anguish. "I'm … I'm not sure how much longer I can go on. I'm scaring myself, how dark my thoughts have become. I wasn't really worried before, but now that we know we might not be together if I died—"

"What are you saying? You don't mean you'd … you'd …" He'd known she'd grown careless with her safety, but would she really …?

She sighs deeply. "I don't know. I don't think I would but … when I fell, part of me just wanted not to stop myself with the Force. I did, obviously. But what about next time?"

"Next time?" He's going to make damned sure there's never a next time. Once he's back, Rey will be the safest person in all the systems.

"I have nothing to live for, don't you see?"

He sits up angrily. "No! I don't see. You have your friends, BB-8, your life!"

"It's not enough. It's not worth the pain of having lost you," she admits mournfully.

"We'll get through this. We have to," he swears, hoping it's true.

"Just … whatever happens, never, never forget that I love you."

That makes him lie back down next to her. "How could I? How could I ever?" he asks brokenly, his throat tight and tears threatening to fall.

She cups his face and entreats, "Come back to me."

"I will. Somehow, I will. I need this to be our life."

Rey smiles, a true smile. "Tell me about it. Tell me what our life will be."

She replaces her head on his chest and he tightens his arms around her.

"Well, first we'll need a home."

"What about the _Falcon_?"

He flinches at the reminder of his father's itinerant lifestyle but answers her question. "I mean a proper home. Something small and cozy where we never have to be very far apart. Somewhere by the sea."

"Mmmm … I like that." She snuggles in closer and he presses his lips to her crown.

"And of course there will be children."

"Oh really?"

"Yup. At least five. All small versions of you." He can almost see them, little mops of dark hair that glint with gold and her beautiful hazel eyes.

"Don't you want a son?" she asks curiously.

"My family doesn't have a very good track record with those." And that's putting it mildly.

She snickers. "You do have a point. We'll have to discuss this whole five pregnancies thing, though."

"Oh, well, two sets of twins. There, only three pregnancies."

Now she laughs properly. "You've thought of everything."

"I'm just getting started."

* * *

Being pulled from Rey's arms had felt like someone was reaching inside his chest and ripping his heart out through his ribcage. They'd been so _close_ and then he was flung back into the non-place.

He'd taken a moment to try to orient himself, accept that they're still living this bifurcated existence, but now he's ready to go to her.

The minute he arrives, he's instantly frantic. She sobbing uncontrollably, clutching his shirt to her chest with her unbroken arm, sitting on the edge of her bed. Her feet are bare and she's only in her tunic and leggings.

"Ben!" she wails. "Ben!"

"Oh, gods, Rey, I'm here." He rushes to her side.

"No, you aren't," she argues. "I just need you to be so much that I'm driving myself insane."

Clearly, she'd heard him. She just won't let herself believe. Well, godsdammit, she's going to. Fiercely, he grabs her shoulders.

"Rey!" he bellows. "I will never leave you."

"You already did!" she sobs out. "You came back for me then you just left!"

"I'll never leave you!" he yells, his tone belying the gentleness of his words.

"Lies, lies, lies,' she mutters between gasping breaths, her tears falling quickly.

Now he wraps his whole body around her seated form and she gasps. "It hurts, it hurts."

"I know, sweetheart, I know," he murmurs, trying to calm her even though he knows it's futile.

"No, no, no!" she shrieks and she's rushing out of her quarters. Instead of letting her collect herself like he did the last time she tried to get away from him, he races after her.

This ends today.

He finds her in the lounge, hiding under the Dejarik table in a tight little ball, her face buried in his shirt. She's trembling and looks impossibly small.

But he won't give up, not like he has been. Crouching next to her, he puts his hand on her back and she flinches violently.

Her moan of pain makes him falter, but he forces himself to keep going.

"I know you won't let yourself believe, but if, _when_ you do, you'll see. You'll see that I could never leave you. You're my soul!"

"I want to," she groans out. "I want to believe you."

"I'm here. I'm here and I love you."

But that has the opposite effect of what he'd intended and she's scrambling out from under the table. She looks around frantically, then she's tearing off towards the ramp.

He's right on her heels as she stumbles out into the bright sun and golden sand, his shirt flapping in the wind like some sort of sad beacon. Her bare feet sink into the dunes.

She's running hard, but she can't lose him, the sand impeding her progress. He grabs her elbow. While he can't actually affect her pace, just his touch is enough for her to stumble and fall to her knees. She lets out a grunt of pain as her broken arm hits the sand, but then she's struggling to her feet.

"Please, make it stop," she cries out in a defeated voice. "I can't hope, I can't!" Then she says in a low voice. "Hope is a lie."

"Yes, you can, there's still hope." he says gently. "You can believe in me."

"You left me all alone," she moans pitifully.

"And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough to let you go. I'll never let you go." He simply cannot be anything but twined with her.

She stands straighter and spits, "Liar!"

Something about that, it splits him open. It's as if all the progress they've made is gone in an instant and his sense of futility turns into righteous anger.

All the months of arguing with her, accepting the vitriol she threw in his face, they bubble to the surface and he roars, "No!"

He crowds against her body and throws both his arms around her.

"You _will _believe me! You have no choice. I'm right here and I'm never leaving you," he bellows with every bit of conviction he's ever felt about anything. More faith than he's ever had in the Force, light side or dark. More certainty than he ever had about his family, his masters, his _life_.

She shakes her head fiercely, muttering, "No, no, no."

"I—am— here!" He places his lips against her ear and murmurs, "I'm right here," then pulls back slightly to watch for a reaction.

There's a long, tense moment but her face relaxes into a look of skepticism. Then her eyes grow wide and she whispers, "Ben?"

Hope flares in his chest. Has he done it? Has he finally broken through her wall of denial?

Standing firm, he looks deeply into her eyes and wills her to finally understand.

"Ben?" she shakily repeats.

"I'm here, Rey. Right here."

"Oh my gods, Ben!"

She tries to wrap her arms around him, and there's a slight resistance, then they pass right through his non-body.

Looking at her hands, then up at him, she shudders. "I don't … I don't understand."

"Can you see me, hear me?" he rushes to ask.

"Yes, yes, I can. But you … shimmer." Then her eyes fill with such confused longing. "Why can't I touch you?" she asks, her tone lined with every day of grief she's withstood.

"I'm not alive."

She breathes in sharply. "You're dead? You're really dead?" Her eyes fill with more tears.

"I'm not dead, either. I don't know what I am."

"But … you're here? You're really here?"

"Yes. Oh, my love, I'll always be with you."

Then her eyes widen further with realization. "My dreams …"

"Real. I'm with you every night."

"I can touch you … in my dreams."

"Yes." Her eyes move back and forth quickly as he watches her knit her two realities together.

"The forest, the beach … the snow. It all really happened?"

"Every precious moment."

"Oh, gods, Ben!" she cries out, this time tears of happiness course down her cheeks.

"I know, I know."

She sniffles and wipes her eyes with the armband of her good arm, then lets out a long breath. "I thought … I wanted to die without you."

"Please, tell me you don't feel like that any longer?"

"Are you kidding?" she shrieks. "I want to live! With you!"

There she is, there's his Rey, and now he's the one to start crying, the relief so intense. She's back, his shining light. Bright, beautiful, and blessedly whole.

"Force, I want to hold you," he lets out through his happy tears.

"Tonight. All night long." Then she gets a queer look in her eyes. "Wait!"

Now she's racing back to the _Falcon_ again, tearing into her quarters. He follows closely, wondering what she's on about.

"Ah ha!" she crows as she holds up the little packet of sleeping tablets. Before he can properly register what she's thinking, she's already taken one.

She lies down and looks up at him expectantly. "I'll see you soon."

Something about this makes Ben uneasy, but he's not really sure why. It's just the one time. She's just put it all together, and he desperately needs to hold her, too. They deserve this.

"That'll take about ten minutes to take effect," he reminds her.

She cracks an eye and sighs. "Then talk to me. Tell me about where you're taking me next."

That gives him pause. This is a momentous day and he'd like to mark it properly. He shuffles through all the options in his mind then smiles.

"Have you ever heard of Naboo?"

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, take your crunchy bits! :D Love you.

Thank you, Readers! I love you all to bits! I'm sorry this chapter is on the shorter side, but it was just the right place to stop it. I'm taking the weekend to recharge, see you next week!


	12. Chapter 12

He's only just become aware in Rey's dreamscape when she's already in his arms. Grinning so wide his face hurts from the joy of knowing she remembers, but then his face falls. She's shaking, hard. Alarm shoots through him and he tips up her face to find it blotchy and covered in tears.

"Rey!" he calls out in panic. What's wrong? They're together.

She tries to speak, but only chokes on her tears.

"Breathe, beloved, breathe." He draws her back close, pressing her cheek to his chest while he tries to soothe her with wide circles on her back.

But instead, she just cries harder and Ben is completely lost. What can he do? What has her so completely ripped open? All he knows to do is hold her as her knees buckle. Gently, he eases them down onto the dunes and she's burrowing as close as she can into his arms.

Helpless and bordering on frantic, he just croons nonsense words of devotion and keeps smoothing his hands along her back. She seems to like it when he cards his hands through her hair so he gently undoes her buns and lets his fingers stream through the soft cascade.

This seems to finally calm her, and her sobs soften until she's sniffling lightly, her little hands bunching up the fabric of his tunic. He starts to pull back so that he may see her, talk to her, but she shakes her head and he stops running his hands through her beautiful hair, focusing instead on holding her firmly.

She eventually stops trembling and he holds her sagging body against him, not wanting to attempt to pull away again. Clearly, Rey needs his touch right now.

While he's desperate to understand what has Rey so distraught, he's also just so grateful that she's in his arms, that she remembers. It feels like they've taken an essential, crucial step towards finding a way to finally make the life she deserves.

Because now that he's shared with her his dearest, most precious hopes, his heart is hungry for that future. He wants to start now. Find that house, give her safety, security, and a place to finally belong. He will be her family; he already is.

Feeling her draw back, he glances down to find her eyes swollen and red. She's still the most stunning creature he's ever seen, even with a pink nose and the evidence of her breakdown marring her cheeks.

Blinking, her lips open and close as she tries to find her voice. He waits, giving her time. Rey is not to be rushed. But she keeps staring at him with an intensity that makes him shiver.

After a long moment of falling into her eyes, he lifts his hand and strokes her cheek gently, whisking away the last of her tears.

She takes in a shuddering breath and says, "You're real."

He nods.

"Part of me couldn't let myself really believe you're here. I could never shake the idea that my mind was cracking, that you were only the most perfect dream."

"Oh … oh my love," he murmurs, his heart aching for how hard she must always fight against her own demons. Of course she couldn't let herself truly believe. She'll probably be plagued by doubt until he's truly back.

"I need you," she says with a depth of desperation that startles him.

"I'm here," he promises.

"No, I mean I _need_ you."

This isn't Rey being playful or full of insinuation. This is Rey speaking her heart's truth, and he finds his own heart answering in kind.

Yes, he needs her, too. To be as close as it's possible for them to be. They're weaving themselves together after years of being slowly ripped apart by the other's absence.

This isn't quite how he'd imagined showing her Naboo, but there's a rightness to it he can't quite understand.

He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, they're still tangled together on their knees, but now they're in one of the guest suites in his ancestral home. It opens to look out on the lake, with large columns and flowing silk curtains fluttering in the breeze.

The room is decorated in blues and teals, making him think of the ocean. Rey's island. Her dream to keep her alive when everything around her said otherwise. The sea is almost enough to contain his feelings for her. Almost.

Rey doesn't look around, only holds his eyes and he gathers her to him with all the tenderness she draws from him, lifting her easily. As he stands, he simply takes in her beautiful face and a peace settles in his chest. Together, they can do anything.

"Never forget, sweetheart. Never forget that we are one, that nothing, not even death can truly part us."

"Be one with me," she whispers.

"Yes," he rumbles, turning towards the massive bed. It's sumptuous and just the sort of place Rey deserves.

Lying her down on the soft surface, he regards for only a moment, but even that's too long and he sits next to her, his hands moving swiftly to undress her. Rey's need permeates everything, and he's determined to give her all that he can. All of him. All of the galaxy.

There's none of the nervousness that's wound around their explorations, just a pulsing desire to show her with his body that, by the gods, he—is—here.

"I'll never leave you," he vows once again. He'll tell her as many times as she needs to hear it. "Nothing, nothing in the known galaxy and beyond could ever come between us."

He draws her tunic up over her head and her breast band follows. She doesn't move to help him with his clothing, just letting him tend to her.

There's a sense of deep meaning permeating the air, his hands, his whole being. This is healing. This is sacred. This is their birthright as a dyad in the Force.

Slowly, he begins to ease her leggings down past her thighs, then her knees, then finally he's pulling the cloth from her body, leaving her only wearing a small scrap of fabric to hide her treasures from him.

"You honor me. That you allow me to see you, to touch you. Stars, I never thought I would be here with you."

"I dreamed. I hoped. I always hoped."

"And that hope saved me."

"Oh gods, Ben, we're truly together," she says firmly, none of the quavering questioning from before.

"We always will be. Don't you see? No matter what, I will always come back for you."

"I know, I know."

He leans forward and places a worshipful kiss over the fine fabric keeping her from being entirely nude and he hooks his fingers at her hips, pulling it down. The desire to lose himself in her folds is swift and searing, but he senses they both need to be joined more than anything, so he stands and quickly removes his own clothing.

Covering her gloriously naked body with his own, he's immediately transported to that place of bliss and awe, the way only the feeling all of Rey's body pressed against him can.

Holding his weight with one arm, he cups her face for a moment, looking at her, looking _into_ her. His fingertips feel as if they're brewing magic as he strokes down along her body, tracing her curves and the strong planes of her lithe body.

His hand finds her heat, and she's already wet, her folds engorged with her want. Somehow, this transcends lust and passion. It's the pure need to be one being in body as well as soul.

He's about to enter her with his fingers, when she says, "I'm ready, Ben. Please, be with me."

"I don't want to hurt you," he admits in a hushed, reverent tone.

"You won't. It's not possible."

Some voice in the back of his head wants to argue, fall at her knees for all the times he _has_ hurt her. But now is not the time for his ever-present need to supplicate himself before her.

This time, he's able to find her entrance without her help and he notches himself just inside. The room is blanketed in a holy kind of silence, and while he wants to groan as he slowly fills her, feeling each ridge, he can't break the spell.

As she'd promised, she's ready and oh so hot and tight, caressing his length, holding him inside her as if _he's_ precious.

Last night he'd been so overwhelmed by the newness of sensation, the giddiness of discovery, that he hadn't really taken in that he'd been _inside_ her. That they truly were becoming one body, no sense of end or beginning, her or him. Just them. One.

Now he lets that knowledge wash over him as he begins to move within her. Her eyes hold his, brimming with love and hope. For the first time, he sees complete faith in their hazel depths, and he's filled with a sense of total acceptance.

She _sees_ him. All of him. And she doesn't turn away.

Clearly, he can, in fact, love Rey even more. Every day, every new moment, he falls ever deeper, flies ever higher.

Now the only sound in the hushed room is the sound of their bodies sliding together and their heavy breathing. Rey's legs wrap around him and he has his arms hooked under her shoulders, keeping as much of them touching as possible.

Her eyes are wide with awe and pleasure—no, not pleasure. This transcends pleasure. They're building new galaxies with their joining, stars are born and die as he makes love to her.

Because that is what they're doing. Making love. It's grows like a lush field of flowers, heart breaking in its beauty.

He never wants to stop, never wants to leave this place. Here, now, their soul sings, finally whole after half a lifetime of keening for its other half. There are so many years of yearning to heal, so many moments of loneliness to mend.

"Rey," he whispers, breaking the stillness of the room.

"I know, I know," she says, her voice cracking.

His pace is slow, deliberate, drawing this out as long as he can. Because he can't bear the moment when he's not inside her, when they have to leave this place where everything finally makes sense.

Gods, he's needed her for so long. She was always what beckoned him; he just didn't know it. A bubble of despair rises in his chest as he remembers how long he's waited, how much they've suffered, and it flows down his face, tears falling as the dam breaks.

Because it's over. All his pain and all her anguish, it's finally over. They're here, together, entwined, forever. No matter how long it takes to find his way back to her fully, no one can separate them ever again. If death couldn't steal him from her, if her deep depression couldn't steal her from him, they are invincible. Unbreakable. Forever tethered. Forever whole.

"Ben," she croons, wiping away his tears. "I'm here. I love you."

"Oh, Rey, I love you, I need you, I can't _be_ without you."

"Never again."

"Never," he promises fiercely.

He continues to pulse into her, her hands trailing along his back, her strong thighs holding him so close. The pleasure builds, their connection only growing stronger with each thrust. The stars are spinning, and she tightens around him.

Reality seems to fold in on itself as she sweeps him along with her luscious warmth and liquid eyes. Together they fall from that stupendous height and they chant each other's names, the only words they can find. He is Ben for her, he always has been. And Rey has always held his tattered heart in her hands.

Gasping, their twined bodies slick with sweat, he's not ready to be parted, their union too total to bear his withdrawing. Letting himself sink into her, all he can see is Rey. All he ever wants to see is Rey.

* * *

She's straddling him, stroking his cheeks and gazing into his eyes. They've barely been able to break eye contact, only doing so when they'd changed positions. She's draped over him, and he's not sure he can withstand when she wakes, even though she's can hear him, see him in daylight.

While he's not thrilled with how she'd so eagerly taken that sleeping tablet, he can't complain about the extra time they have together.

The sunlight streams through the curtains, lighting the gold in her hair and dappling her perfect body.

They haven't spoken yet, afraid to break this fragile place where they're finally as they're meant to be. The more time they spend together, the closer they grow, the clearer it becomes to him how broken he was without her.

Because he'd been rootless, rudderless in the storm of his own making. Always knowing he was meant for something great, something unfathomable. And here she is. Reaching inside him and knitting him back together.

She sighs and in a low whisper says, "Thank you …"

_She's _thanking _him_? Does she not know that she's the one who's remaking him? "Oh, my love, no … no …"

"I just never knew what it would feel like."

"What?" he asks, playing with a bit of her hair.

"Belonging."

"You will never know anything else for the rest of your life."

"I know," she affirms with a strength that makes him glow with satisfaction. She believes. She finally believes. He's not so foolish as to think she won't have moments of fear, times when her history has her by her throat.

But right now, in the place his family was always happiest, Rey _believes_. In him.

* * *

Now he has her in his arms, her bottom nestled against him. Idly, he strokes her breast, enjoying the firm softness. This way he can kiss her neck whenever the urge strikes him.

"So, this is Naboo," she remarks.

"Well … this isn't quite how I'd envisioned showing this to you."

"What did you have planned?"

"I still intend to show you."

"Well if it's half as beautiful as this room, I'll adore it. I didn't even know rooms could be this big!"

"Just wait until I show you the ballroom."

"What's a ballroom?" she asks in that guileless way that he finds so endearing.

"It's a place where dozens, hundreds of people gather to dance."

"I've never really danced before. I mean, sometimes I would sway to music when a scavenger would pull out their drums, but … not really."

"Would you like to?"

"Dance?" she asks, turning her head towards him.

"Mmmhmm." He dearly hopes she says yes. He's always wanted to drape her finery, show her how beautiful she really is. She deserves to feel like the princess he wants to make her. And it gives him an excuse to hold her all night long as he moves her across the dance floor.

"I … I don't know. I've never really thought about it."

"Would you let me show you?"

"I'll let you show me anything."

"Well, you might not want to say that. Han Solo _was_ my father," he jokes. Then he realizes what he's just said, and he feels his face crumple. Was. Not is.

Rey looks back at him with such compassion, then she snuggles back against him. "Do you miss him?" she asks gently.

"All the time. I … I never should have …"

Then she's turning in his arms and she's the one to hold him. He keeps waiting for her to ask him why he did it, why he committed such heinous sin, but she just rubs his back and stays silent.

* * *

She's back on top of him, but there's a certain … intentionality to how she's shifting her hips, and of course it has the desired reaction. She smiles down on him with a knowing twitch to her lips and he's certain she's done it on purpose.

Then she begins to move her slick folds along him, and he gasps. He'd wanted to show her Naboo, but he can do that tomorrow.

"I want to try something different," she says.

"Far be it for me to stop you. You know I'll give you anything."

He's not even remotely prepared when she manages to slip him inside her with one firm twist of her hips. How did she know how to do _that_?

"Well, right now I just want you."

"You have me. You have me."

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, for your speedy and thorough reading!

Thank you, Readers! You're all so dear to me, I can't even. Your reviews make me grin and blush, and every follow and favorite is a little thrill. Thank you for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

Letting her go in the morning isn't as hard when he knows she'll be able to see him again on the other side of her dreams. It's not like being ripped from her, having to face that she'll be thrown back into haunting her own life. Now that she's able to see him in her waking hours, he's confident they'll find a way to bring him back.

Rey can do anything.

He'd spent all night either wrapped around Rey or finding new ways to make her shudder in pleasure. It's getting easier to face leaving her body now that he's feeling certain it's only a matter of time until he can feel that bliss again.

Because nothing, _nothing_ has ever made him feel more like himself; like this was where he was always meant to be. It's like they travel back to the beginning of the universe and ride the expanding wave of creation.

As Rey opens her eyes, he sees something he hasn't ever seen before. She wakes _happy_. Her eyes alight with a smile as she rubs the sleep from her eyes. Oh, he'll treasure when he's finally able to sleep with her, hold her close all night and wake her himself. He has all sorts of ideas about _that._

"Hi," she lets out in a low, husky voice.

"Hello," he says, smiling at her tenderly. He strokes her cheek once and she shivers. "What does it feel like when I touch you like this?"

"It's … it's a bit like our bond, how it used to be. I can sense you more deeply, how I was always aware of you."

"Hmmm. Interesting." He files that away for further perusal, it feels … important. "And it doesn't hurt any longer?"

"It never hurt me, not physically. It was that I would get these bright bursts of _feeling_ you and it made me need you that much more. And I already need you so badly."

"Isn't it convenient that you never have to give me up?"

Her eyes grow conflicted. "But I do, every morning."

"And we'll have every night. And now we can begin to properly work on what's happened. I know I should have brought it up during the night, but when you couldn't remember …"

"And we did have other things to attend to," she says with a wicked glint to her eyes.

"Hmmm, yes. We did, didn't we?"

"In fact …" She reaches for the shelf next to her bed, for the sleeping tablets.

"Rey, no."

Frowning, she asks, "Why not? I can't scavenge for another few days. What else do I have to do?"

"I don't want you sleeping away your life."

"You're my life."

"Rey …" he says in a warning tone.

"I promise, it won't be a problem." He looks at her skeptically. "Seriously though, it's just until my arm is healed. Imagine how we could pass all that time." Gods, her eyes smolder with a heat that should be forbidden.

He groans at her insinuation, because the thought of being able to touch and taste Rey, show her everything he can with all that extra time, it's cripplingly tempting, and he wavers. She _had _been given the tablets for her arm …

"I want to ride you like I did last night," she purrs and that has his mind spinning into memory. The way her breasts had bounced as she'd wrung every last scrap of ecstasy from his body had had him almost crying from pleasure.

"Just a few days," she urges.

His jaw works and he knows he should hold firm, but her eyes are pleading and, Force, he hates not being able to _feel_ her.

"You have to eat first. A proper meal, no portions!"

She grins and jumps out of bed.

* * *

He brings her back to Verykino, the Lake Country house he remembers so well from his childhood. Once again, they're in the bedroom that he'll now always treasure. Perhaps when he's back, he'll take her here properly.

Shying away from visiting more familiar places, now he thinks perhaps he should show her his bedroom when they would come here. It's not exactly his childhood home, but the thought of recreating Chandrila is too painful—and Hosnia Prime is out of the question.

Taking her hand, he's about to show her the rest of the lake house, but instead she pounces on him, throwing him back on the bed they'd only left a few hours ago. He lands on his back with a loud, "Oof," and he looks up into her sparkling eyes.

"Where do you think you're going, Solo?"

"I was going to show you the rest of Verykino?" he says in a questioning voice.

"Later," she pronounces, her busy hands already working on his clothes.

* * *

He finally manages to get her back in her clothing, and they'd toured the house. She'd grown quiet and now they're walking along the shores of Lake Como. There's a light breeze making ripples along the blue water.

Usually, she's full of boundless excitement when he shows her somewhere beautiful and that damned nervousness begins again. Does she not like it? Should he have taken her somewhere else?

"Rey … You're very quiet," he tries.

"Just thinking," she responds quietly.

"Tell me."

"It's nothing," she says with a shrug.

He stops them walking and takes her face in his hand. He loves how he can almost cover half of her winsome features; she's so tiny compared to him and it thrills him.

"But something is bothering you. Please, I need to know what it is so that I may fix it."

She smiles, a bit sadly and shakes her head into his palm. "You can't fix it. But it's lovely that you want to."

"Please?"

Letting out a long sigh, she shrugs again. "It's just … I never knew such places existed, and that this is _one _of your houses, when I grew up … the way I did. It's just … it's a lot to take in."

That fierce feeling of denied protectiveness seizes him by the throat. "That _never_ should have been your life," he nearly snarls.

"But it was. And your life was … _this_," she says, gesturing to the expanse of Naboo's luscious scenery.

He's not really sure what she's trying to say. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm not good enough for you!" she wails. "You … You're a prince, for gods' sake. And I'm nothing but a sand rat."

"Rey, no. No. You … you're the most brilliant light in my life. You are everything. You could never be nothing."

"I'm worse than nothing … I … I …" Then she's hiding her face in her hands and he can tell that she's crying.

That's when it hits him. This is about her grandfather, though to think of him like that is just _wrong_.

"You're Rey. Beautiful, strong Rey. It doesn't matter whose blood runs in your veins, because now it's just yours. You don't have to be defined by that monster."

"But I see all of this wealth and I … I'm jealous," she says with shame.

"We all struggle with wanting what we don't have," he offers, remembering how he'd simmer with envy over his mother's proteges and his father's young pilot friends.

"I could have, though," she whispers. "If he'd raised me, like he said."

Ben breathes in sharply, understanding more of the conflicted storm raging within her.

"That I even think about it … does that make me like him?"

"No, no, of course not."

"I just wanted someone to love me," she lets out like it's being torn from her deepest, darkest places.

All he can do is wrap her in his arms and croon, "Oh, Rey. My beloved Rey."

"And I know he never would have, but at least he would have fed me. He had my parents killed, yet …"

"You can't help but wonder. There's nothing wrong with that."

"It makes me feel dirty."

"No … no." Rey mustn't ever feel like that. She's so clean that she makes him clean, too.

"It doesn't bother you, that I'm not like the elegant ladies you must have grown up with?"

He snorts. She really has no idea. "You're exquisite and so self-assured. I promise you that you have more poise and beauty than all of them put together."

She looks up at him skeptically. "I didn't even know what a fork was."

"And they wouldn't know kindness if it invited itself over for tea. Trust me, you're everything I have ever wanted. Do you really think it matters to me that you might not know all the minutiae of court life?"

"I don't know … I just, I want to be worthy of you."

That's it. This is beyond acceptable and he drops to his knees in front of her. "No. I won't have you think for one second that you could ever be unworthy of anything. Here, on my knees, is where I should be to you. I should crawl at your feet with gratitude that you even look at me."

Her eyes go wide with panic and she lowers herself, kneeling with him. "Don't say that. Never say that."

"It is I who can never be worthy of _you_, Rey."

"No, no," she says urgently.

"Yes," he says with a strong voice. "You raised yourself and came out of hell the best person I've ever known. You are so much more than I ever could be."

"You were groomed from birth by a madman! Don't … don't belittle yourself. I can't … I can't bear it."

"Then you understand. What it does to me to hear you even suggest that you aren't enough for me. You're … I know I say it all the time, but you're everything to me."

"I don't really have a place for that. Being loved. I don't … I don't know how to do it."

"We're learning together. I want to give you the life you deserve. I want you to have any little thing you've ever wanted."

She looks up into his face with a touch of awe in her eyes. "You really mean that, don't you?"

"I do. So much. It's a need that's planted deep inside me. I wanted to make you my empress, dress you in finery … jewels, wrap you in luxury and keep you warm and safe."

"You might have said that instead," she quips. "I've always wanted to know what it was like to wear a dress."

Glee erupts in his chest and he stands, taking her hand. "Then let me do it now, my heart."

"What? What are we doing?"

It's his turn for his eyes to sparkle with mischief as he says, "You'll see."

* * *

He leads her back to the room he now thinks of as theirs and concentrates. He has so many gowns to choose from, so very many formal events in his memories. Opening the large closet, he's elated to find it full of every manner of dress he could imagine and a few he didn't.

Cautiously, she steps inside and clearly can't decide where to look first.

"It's time to dress you for your first ball."

"The dancing you told me about?"

"Mmmhmm. There will be so many in your future. You_ are _ma-bound to a prince, after all." Why had he slipped and almost said married?

Now that he's thought it, he wants it so badly he can feel it in his bones. He wants to show Rey that he _chooses _her. But there's enough to untangle without adding matrimony to the mix just yet. Though … showing her a grand event would be a good step ...

He'd always hated the event circuit as a young man. When he would go home to visit, he was invariably trotted out as a representative of the New Jedi Order. Among the ladies of the senate and royal houses, he was almost sport. He found them vulgar.

But the thought of having Rey on his arm makes him preen with pride and he finds he feels like it's his first ball, too.

Hesitantly, her hand moves along all the silks and organzas and she gasps. "They're so soft."

"Not as soft as your skin," he blurts out. He's getting used to always sounding like a lovesick idiot, because … well … he is.

"Try one on," he suggests eagerly.

"Uhm, alright," she says, reaching for a pale blue confection with a high waist and long panels draping from the shoulders.

He turns to leave, but she exclaims, "Where are you going?"

"I'm letting you change?"

She looks at him like he's daft. "You've seen me naked, you don't need to go."

"It would spoil the surprise." He wants her to model for him.

But she gets a look of consternation as she fiddles with the various fastenings. "Uh … I don't think I know how to put this on. Help me?"

Oh. He hadn't considered that. How are they going to manage this with Rey naked in front of him? He _knows_ what that will lead to.

Stealing himself for temptation, he takes the dress from her hands.

* * *

She's tried on at least a dozen gowns, each more breathtaking than the last, but nothing is more beautiful than her scantily clad form as she changes into each one and his trousers are growing unbearably tight.

When she bends over, she makes sure to skim his hardness with her backside and he can't help the pained whimper that escapes him. The sun is setting and part of him wants to just throw her down on the bed and take her dancing tomorrow night.

Oh, gods, now she's taking off her breast band. "This one has a low back," she reasons, but all he can do is stare at her rosy, pink nipples and remember how good they feel in his mouth.

Then she shimmies into the latest gown. It's the palest of pinks and it makes her luminous. All along her body, the fabric clings, the contrast of the innocent color and daring cut making his brain come positively undone.

She spins for him, and oh dear Maker, he's done for. Her whole back is exposed, all the way down, the curve of her spine screaming for him to lick along it, kiss her _everywhere_. Is she trying to kill him?

Looking in the mirror, she gasps. "I … I didn't know I could look so pretty."

"Pretty isn't the word, my dear. You're stunningly beautiful, and in that, well … it's a good thing there won't be any real men at this ball aside from me. I'd have to duel them all for the honor of escorting you."

She rolls her eyes and bats at him. "I think this is the one."

"Oh, that's definitely the one," he agrees. "Though you're going to have me begging to get you out of it mid-way through the evening."

The girlish giggle that erupts from her has him feeling ten feet tall, because he makes her feel so free and happy.

"And now for your hair," he purrs, grateful his mother had shown him how to braid in the Alderaanian style.

* * *

Threading her arm through his, he shows her how to allow him to escort her properly. He's in his Alderaanian formal attire, a deep blue with silver trim and he'd even added his signet ring, his ring-finger feeling oddly naked.

Rey looks … well she looks like a light side version of all of his dark fantasies, and the appearance of innocence when he knows what it feels like to bury himself in her tight, oh so welcoming heat, it's going to drive him mad.

He'd braided her hair and then wound it into a high bun. Ben has such plans for what he's going to do as it grows longer.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Is it weird that I'm nervous, even though I know it's really just us?"

"No, not at all."

They can hear laughter wafting from the ballroom and he hopes he's managed all the details correctly. He leads her to the grand staircase, preparing himself for their entrance. It can be a bit overwhelming, all that sprawling, giddy life.

She crowds closer to them as she gets her first glimpse. The dance floor is full of people, the music making them move almost as if one being. The air is filled with voices and the clinking of glasses, and color is everywhere, from the sea of the guests' finery to the swaths of fabric hanging elegantly from the high ceiling.

"Oh," she murmurs. "It's so beautiful." Her voice is nervous but pleased.

"Come, Lady Rey, let's get a drink."

They descend from the staircase, and murmurs from appreciative guests follow them.

"They don't really have faces," she notes. And she's right. The other guests seem like watercolor renderings, indistinct but oddly fitting for the magic he's trying to spin.

"I never really noticed the other guests when I would come to these things. So …" His hand flails, not quite sure how to explain.

"But this is marvelous! Didn't you like going?"

"Oh, no. I hated it."

"Do you hate it now?" she asks in a small voice, her insecurity showing through.

They're almost to the end of the staircase and he stops her, standing on a lower step so that they're eye to eye. "No, I adore it. Because I'm with you."

She actually blushes and his heart expands rapidly, his chest tight with the swift swell of love he feels.

Rey blinks at him, her face open and a little stunned.

"Now, my enchanting companion. Have you ever tried champagne?"

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare! You are my rock, you really help me stay on target.

Thank you, Readers! I'm sorry that I'm not able to do a chapter a day this week. I have a friend visiting and this is likely the last update until next Wednesday. I'm sorry! You all make me smile with your wonderful thoughts. Thank you!


	14. Chapter 14

_Before_

Kylo knows that he's sulking. He tries to tell himself that he's brooding, but no, he's sulking. Lounging in his throne, he has one leg slung over the thick armrest, his head thrown back as he looks at the ceiling. It's been _weeks_ since he's seen her and he's beginning to see her face in the very stars.

Snarling, he stands swiftly and begins to pace, his cloak billowing behind him. He has no guards, not like Snoke. No, he protects himself. Besides, he doesn't want witnesses when _she_ finally appears.

That almost kiss _stalks_ him. His nights are full of heat and skin, imaginings that bleed into the day with alarming regularity. Has it really been eight months since Crait? Eight months since that hallowed moment out of time when they touched hands? Eight months since it all went to hell?

He doesn't wrestle with the light any longer, no he wrestles with this _craving_. All his wounded hurt has burned away with his intense, mind bending, soul rending lust. Is it even lust? It terrifies him to the core that he knows it's something far deeper.

That word though, he won't think it. It has no place for someone devoted to the dark. Passion, yes. Desire, oh very much so. But that word reeks of compassion that he has no room for that in his heart. A heart completely owned by Rey.

Force, he misses her. He'd happily stand and let her berate him if he could just see her eyes. He'd darken star systems to be able to _touch her_ again.

The Resistance is so close to extinction that they've become impossible to find. It's like looking for a rat in the undercity of Coruscant. They move quickly, never staying anywhere for long and he's running out of places to look. He needs to find her. He needs to see her.

He needs to know if she's as desperate as he is.

Pacing to each wall, his boots pounding the floor, he's about to go to his training room when he almost runs her over.

She's … panting, sweat streaming down her face, her skin flushed a very suggestive shade of red and he's torn between terror that she's fighting for her life or something altogether more threatening.

Her eyes go wide with shock and she drops something, but he can't see what it is.

"Are you alone?" he growls.

"Yeah," she sighs, and he tries to cage the jealous rage that had been gathering. She's clearly not in danger, nor with another man. Training. She's training, just like he had been about to.

Now that he takes her in more fully, he sees that she's changed her clothing again. She's in pure white and it _taunts_ him. She practically shines with the light. Oh, how he wants to show her the beauty of the dark.

His fists slowly uncurl, and he tries to get himself into some semblance of balance, but he'd been so worked up that he can't seem to find that calm she inspires.

"What has you so tense?" she asks. She's not snarling or spitting fire. _She _doesn't seem to be having any trouble controlling herself.

"I can't find you," he growls.

"Good. I don't want to be found." The certainty in her voice casts him in a role he's growing familiar with. Supplicating suitor.

"Don't you though?" he rumbles, moving closer to her.

She blinks at him and shakes her head. Now that he's closer, he can see that she's trembling. Good.

"The next time we meet, I'm going to bring you to justice." Her voice isn't as firm this time.

"You still want to kill me?" he asks curiously.

Genuine fear fills her eyes and she gasps, "No!" Then she looks away and murmurs. "Justice, I said."

"Ah, so you think you can capture me."

"Isn't that what you want to do with me?"

"Oh, no, I want you _willing_," he purrs and smiles a cruel smile when she shivers. He pins her with his gaze, and she doesn't move away as he circles her like his prey until she can't see his eyes any longer. In her ear he whispers, "I know you wanted to stay with me. I dream of it. Do you?"

His breath stirs the fine curls next to her ear, and he can sense the same need wafting off of her. He's not alone in this fire.

"Do you, do you dream of me?" he murmurs, his lips ghosting over the shell of her ear as he slides one gloved hand along her neck, pressing her back against him.

Her head lolls onto his shoulder and her eyes are closed. The column of her throat beckons him and leans down, sucking just a bit at her pulse. Oh, gods, she tastes _so good_. But then she stiffens in his arms and she's running. Running from him.

_Now_

Ben spins her around the dance floor and Rey's laugh rings out. She'd picked up the steps quickly, following his lead with impressive competence. It had taken him many arduous hours as a boy to learn how to dance, but Rey's body is always in tune with his own.

"Oh, I think I need some fresh air," she pants out. She's had several glasses of champagne and her eyes are glassy and full of elation.

He guides her out onto the veranda, the night sky brilliant with a field of stars. This part of Naboo isn't awash with artificial light, so they twinkle and for a moment he can only stare. He remembers when he was lost to the dark and seeking Rey in everything, the very stars.

It's not exactly a happy memory; he doesn't like remembering the chaos in his head when he wore Kylo Ren like armor. He can't remember why he ever tried to protect himself from Rey.

He feels her hand on his shoulder and he turns to look at her, finding her face full of concern.

"Ben? Where'd you go?"

"I'm right here," he assures her, pulling himself from memory.

"But you weren't. You seemed … you seemed like you were hurting."

"Just remembering. What a fool I was for that year after Crait. Hell, since I first saw you."

"Hmm," she hums. "I wasn't at my best, either."

"Don't say that. I left you very little choice."

"I know … but I've always wondered … what would have happened if I'd let you kiss me? You know the time."

The animal, base part of him that he keeps firmly away from her to the best of his abilities awakens, knowing full well what would have happened and the thought, though inflaming, makes his heart shrink.

"No. Kylo Ren did not deserve to kiss you. He didn't deserve to _touch _you." He'd fantasized so many things he'd never imagine now.

"Oh, Ben … don't you know it was always you trying to reach me?"

He shakes his head. "No … that part of me … I don't want it anywhere near you."

"But what if I want to know him, too?"

"Kylo Ren is dead."

"But you said he'll always be a part of you."

His face screws up in frustration. She's right. He just can't find the right words. He can't bring himself to admit how debauched and depraved _those _dreams had been. Rey is to be cherished. She's sacred.

Rubbing his face with his hand, he sighs. "I just … I want to protect you from that aspect of me."

"I love all of you."

"He doesn't deserve your love," he says bitterly.

"Well, you have it. All of you."

Ben nods slightly, not wanting to argue.

She looks at him with concern and something akin to calculation. "Alright, Ben … you'll see. In time, you'll see."

Then she's kissing him, and his hands slide down her bare back. All that matters is this. He won't let Kylo Ren ruin it.

* * *

He needs to be alone with her, so he winks away the guests with a thought and leads her to the center of the ball room. The music is ethereal and sweeping, making him need to hold her close as he moves her across the room.

It's a piece he's always loved; it made him imagine wide open spaces and fields of color. Now he thinks of the blossoms of Jakku. He thinks of Rey.

He may not fully understand himself, but he knows he's Ben Solo. He'll always be Ben Solo for her. Holding her eyes with his, he pleads with her to feel how much he loves her with his hands and his gaze.

Rey returns the intensity of his stare, her hand clutching his shoulder and the other squeezing his fingers as he turns her around the room.

Gods, he misses the bond, the way he could sense her, know she could sense him. He _needs_ her to understand how desperately he loves her. But the way her eyes are so open, so deep, he feels like she's hearing him.

The music builds and he wraps his arms around her waist, filled with such adoration; he lifts her, looking up into her perfect, beloved face. He can't imagine a life without her smile and, as if she's heard his thoughts, she beams down on him.

It's right, somehow, to be looking up into her face. She is the heavens above, his guiding star. His light. His soul.

As the lilting melody crescendos, he spins with her high above him and she lifts her arms, laughing as she looks about to take flight. Then, as the music begins to ebb, he slowly lets her slide down his body, never taking his eyes from hers as she touches down.

"Rey," he murmurs.

* * *

When she wakes, she stretches languidly with her good arm and Ben is lying beside her.

"That was amazing," she sighs as her eyes flit to the sleeping tablets. But Ben is going to hold firm this time.

"No. You need to stay awake. At least for a few hours. Get outside, stretch your legs."

"Why?" she whines, and he blinks. He's never really seen her be petulant before. This would be so much easier if everything she did wasn't adorable.

"Because this just isn't healthy. We need to start working on how to bring me back. I know it's possible, I can sense it. I didn't truly die. We can't do that if you're asleep all of the time."

"Can't we work on it while I'm sleeping?" she argues.

"Not unless you can figure out how to bring the Jedi texts into your dreams."

Oh Force, now she's pouting.

"You know I'm right."

She sighs but she nods. "I just … I just got you back. Can't we enjoy each other for a little longer?"

"Rey, we still have the nights. It's just a bit less time."

"But when I'm in your arms I don't have to …" she trails off and won't meet his eyes.

"Don't have to what?" he encourages.

She huffs out a long breath and fiddles with a loose thread on her blanket.

"Rey?" he pushes, worry lacing his tone.

Now she does look at him. "I don't … I don't have to think about it."

"About what?"

"_Everything_."

She sits up, so he mirrors her position, both sitting cross legged, looking at each other. He waits to see if she'll say more. He finds if he's silent, more seeps out of her.

"I know you were here, that you … saw. But I don't think you can really understand what losing you did to me. The Force … it took _everything_ from me. And then it took you, too," she says mournfully.

"And it's given me back," he points out gently.

"In a way." Then she looks at her hands. "But not really. If I'm sleeping, we're together, like we should be. Everything is okay. I don't have to face that I don't really have you."

He remembers. He remembers every day, watching as her spirit ground away until it was little more than dust. Would it be so wrong to give her this time? Let her heal?

Something discordant in the Force pulls at him and he looks around sharply. He rarely senses anything in this state—that he feels it so keenly is important. He has to go back to his non-place.

"Did you feel that?" he asks.

"Something felt … wrong."

"I have to talk to my mother."

Panic streaks through her eyes. "You're leaving?"

"Only for a little while. Eat something. See the sun. Please. I'll be right back."

Her voice is painfully young when she says, "You promise?"

"I promise. Remember. Nothing can keep us apart."

She smiles shakily. "I remember."

* * *

His mother is already waiting when he returns to that space of nothingness.

"What is it, what's happened?"

"Oh, thank gods you heard me. You haven't been accessible for days!"

He takes in a relieved breath. It was just his mom calling him home and he cracks a rueful smile. "Rey can see me!"

"I know, I know, Son." But she doesn't seem happy. If anything, her face is grim.

"What's wrong?"

"She's … she's fading. The bond between you is so strong, we think she might lose her hold on life, join you here."

No. No! Rey _will_ have her beautiful life, full of family and belonging and healing and everything she should have had. His fists clench and he again remembers that he can't break anything here.

"What do I have to do?" he asks desperately.

"We don't know. We've never heard of this. But … I think she has to _live_ again. It's like you're tethered, and you're anchored here while she's letting go in life."

"She … she wants to just be with me in her dreams. It's like she's lost her spark, her fight. Almost as if learning about the Emperor … it was too much. I think it finally broke her," he admits, his voice cracking. Like his heart is cracking.

"You have to get her off of Jakku."

Ben nods. Yes. That's a good start. Get her away from all the reminders of how she was failed utterly by everyone who should have taken care of her.

"She's … she's taking sleeping tablets, so we can be together."

Leia breathes in sharply. "That must stop. She'll just slip away."

"I know," he says miserably, finally seeing just what he's been avoiding in the haze of love and pleasure. "It's only been a few days," he offers with a bit of hope.

"Then she should be fine. But much longer and you might have a real problem on your hands. She _must_ stop."

"I'll talk to her. I've already been gone too long.

"Go, go to her."

He gets the strangest thought, then. He wishes he could hug his mother.

* * *

"Rey!" he bursts out as soon as he returns. But she doesn't hear him.

She's already asleep.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare! You really cracked me up this time, one of these days I'll post your comments on a chapter because they are GOLD.

Thank you, Readers! I'm sorry I was gone for so long, but I'm back! Thank you for reading, following, favoriting, and leaving a review! It really does motivate me. You're all gems and I adore you!


	15. Chapter 15

The corridors are virtually empty at this time of night as Kylo wanders through them like a shade. He _thought _he'd been making progress with Rey, but the last few times they've connected, she's essentially refused to speak with him, only giving one-word answers and cold. So cold.

Rey is heat and she warms him like nothing else has. Her icy demeanor cuts through his defenses like they're nothing, leaving him gasping and wanting and desperate. Because he craves her _attention_ as much as he desires to touch her.

And of course she won't let him anywhere near her, not now. When he'd try to ask her why, what had changed, she'd pretend she didn't know what he was talking about.

He can't believe it's almost been a year since he was last in her true presence. The search continues, always fruitless, always infuriating. Somehow, she thwarts him at every turn. Being without her, it's making him dangerously unstable.

Kylo has read every record he can find on Force Bonds, but none of it _fits_. None of it explains why he _has_ to be with her. Why the minute he saw her, she invaded him utterly. It's as if she's infected every cell of his body. Can she possibly be so unaffected?

The dark grows inside him, and now he throws himself into its pursuit with a single-minded devotion he'd never found before. Tortured, he'd always been tortured by the draw to the light and a doubt, a damning morality that made him question his path constantly.

Now, though, now the light is Rey, and his need hurts so much he's begun to imagine crushing that light. If she wasn't light, she'd be his. If he could only convince her of the seductive power of the dark, the dark he sees so potently in her pain, show her how free she'd be, how free they'd both be, this distance between them would evaporate.

She would be in his arms, he would be in her body, they would finally be one.

That is what he needs. Everything will make sense once he has her by his side.

_Now_

"Rey!" he screams, trying to wake her. He knows if he could shake her, she'd wake up. Did she even eat anything?

Panic is overwhelming him, and he forces himself to calm down; he's no good to her if he's awash in frantic terror. He takes stock of her form and sees that she's not lost any more weight, her skin no more pale than the months of depression have left her.

But she wasn't in very good shape to begin with and he's not sure what will happen if she keeps doing this. He has to get through to her. Maker, he wishes he could just throw the damned sleeping tablets away. Not for the first time, he curses his disembodied state.

Trying to be reasonable, he reminds himself that it has only been a few days. The splint comes off the day after tomorrow, so she won't have that excuse any longer.

Watching her closely, he considers what's really causing her to hide like this. Somehow, losing him broke her, the last blow after a lifetime of beatings. It's cracked that determination, sapped her of her will.

It's time to make her talk, really talk about everything she's discovered about herself. Everything he laid at her feet.

* * *

"There you are," she says with a bright smile, sitting on a Jakku dune. She pats the sand next to her, inviting him to join her.

Is this a conversation better had standing? He rather wants to shake her, make her see what she's threatening. But instead he approaches her slowly, taking his place next to her. She threads her arm through his and lays her head on his shoulder.

"What shall we do today?"

She's behaving like she hadn't been foolish, that she hadn't ignored his request that she take care of herself. Rey seems to be in a strange, manic bubble of forced joy and it frankly disturbs him.

"We need to talk," he says firmly. She has to understand that she's not only hurting herself.

She lifts her head from his shoulder and cautiously asks, "Why?"

"I think you know," he says lowly, holding her gaze.

Sighing, she throws up her hands. "It's my body. I can do what I want." That petulance is showing through again.

"No, you aren't alone, now. You have to consider me, too. You're hurting yourself."

She jumps to her feet and whirls to face him, her eyes blazing. "I don't care!"

Now he's standing, too. "Well, I do! I care! You can't just sleep through your life. You'll kill yourself if you keep doing this."

Rey scoffs with something bordering on contempt. "I know what I can handle."

"No. You can't. This is dangerous!"

"Why can't you just let me have this! Just some extra time together? For months I was dying without you. I wanted to die! And now you're back and I just need you!"

"You have me. Rey, you have me. But you have to face that it's not over yet, we still have work to do!"

"I've always worked! I just … I need this. Please," she pleads with such desperation that he wavers for just a moment. But his mother's words ring in his ears.

He needs to find a way to ignite her desire to be out in the galaxy again and he has an idea. It could go horribly wrong. But … he hopes.

"I want to show you something," he says quietly.

She looks at him like he's daft. "You're always showing me something."

"Yes, well, this is … special." Gods, he hopes this works.

He holds out his hand, and she looks at him skeptically, but she takes it.

Concentrating, hard, he imagines his dreams for their future. When he looks around, they're in front of a decently sized house, nestled on a cliff overlooking the ocean of Chandrila. The warm sun streams down and sea grass waves in the wind. A clear blue sky shines down on little flowers blooming in boxes along the windows of what he hopes will be their home. One day.

"Did you, did you come here as a boy?" she asks, still a bit wary of him.

"No … this is the home I want to give you."

Her face falls. "Don't tease, Ben."

"I'm not. Someday, someday _soon_, we'll make a home, just like this one. Come." He takes her hand and he has to pull her a bit to get her to walk with him to the door.

This … this is the tricky part. As the door opens, a little girl with hazel eyes, a pert nose, and dark hair runs up to Rey.

She shrieks, "Mama!" and throws her tiny arms around Rey's waist.

Instinctively, Rey returns the girl's hug and stares at Ben with huge eyes. "I don't understand," she breathes out.

"You have to live again, Rey. You can't let yourself be beaten. This, this is what we're working towards."

Tears fill her eyes and now she's clinging to the daughter Ben has dreamed up.

"What's wrong, Mama?" she asks in that guileless way children have.

"I—I—Ben!" she wails, her eyes holding his with panic.

Then she's on her knees, holding onto the girl for dear life, clutching her so close.

"It's okay, Mama, it's okay," their dream-daughter comforts.

Then Rey stands swiftly, turning away from both Ben and the child. As her shoulders shake, Ben thinks she's had enough. Gently, he comes up from behind her and folds her into his arms, letting the little girl fade back into his fantasies.

He's startled when Rey wrenches herself away from him and turns on her heel. Her eyes are searing with anger and she yells, "Why would you do that to me!"

"You have to see what you're giving up."

"All my life I've dreamed of a family of my own, why would you torture me with something I can never have?!"

"You can. You _will_. But you have to work with me."

She shakes her head with a frantic sort of energy, her eyes wide with terror. "I can't. I can't hope again. I hoped for so long …"

"I know, I know you did. But you can believe in me. Believe in us."

"I just want to be happy," she sobs out. "When I'm dreaming with you, I'm happy. I'm finally happy."

"But it's incomplete," Ben pushes.

"I don't care!," she flares. Then her shoulders fall, her head slumping down. "I'm tired, Ben. I'm so tired."

"I know you are," he says gently, approaching her carefully. She looks up at him with tear-filled eyes and it's killing him not to comfort her. "Oh, Rey. Please let me hold you."

She nods once, and in only a moment she sagging against him, his arms holding her up. He maneuvers them across the sitting room and sinks them both into the generous settee. Before he's even sat properly, she's crawling into his lap and clinging to him as she trembles.

"Why did they leave me on Jakku? With Plutt?" she asks mournfully.

"They were trying to keep you safe. I don't know why they came to Jakku. Maybe they had no choice. Maybe they were desperate."

"Couldn't they see Niima was no place for a child?" she snarls, her anger warring with her hurt.

He thinks for a moment. He doesn't want to argue with her, reason with her. She deserves to have this pain. Finally, he settles on, "I have to believe that they loved you; that they did the best they could."

"Growing up on that junkyard was so hard, Ben. I waited and waited … for nothing. They were already dead." Her eyes are hollow, and he wonders if she'll be willing to face her connection with the Emperor. But instead she shakes her head. "I was so bitterly alone."

It's easy to hear the years of desolation. How many times will his heart break for her? "You aren't now," he murmurs.

"I know. Though, don't you see? My dreams … I thought they could be enough. That I wouldn't be waiting again."

"But, don't _you _see? You won't be waiting. We have a purpose. There's a clear goal. You aren't powerless this time. You aren't abandoned."

She sniffles a bit and her hesitant nod gives him hope.

Now that she's quiet, that she seems to really be listening he says, "There's something else. You're fading …"

She scoffs. "I've just skipped a few meals."

"No, I mean, somehow our bond is so strong that it's pulling you to me."

"Would that be so bad?" she asks in a small voice. He sees, then, the full extent of what her life of constant struggle, betrayal, and crushing disappointment has truly cost her. She really is so very tired.

Letting out a long breath, he tries to explain to her why she deserves something more than just to join him in the non-place. "I want to be with you, forever, but after we've had a real life together. I want … I want to see you ripen with our child, see your hair go gray, help each other as we grow old … I need … I need my life to matter, Rey. With you."

Her eyes blink and she gets that look she does sometimes, like she's truly seeing him. All of him. "Your life matters, Ben."

"No … not in the way that I want it to. Everything I did … I don't talk about it, I can't bear to remember, most of the time, but I need the chance to be … to be … good," he whispers.

"You're good, you're good."

"I need to prove it to more than you."

Rey looks around the home he's conjured. "Will we truly have a home? Will our daughter be real?"

"Yes. I feel it. I know we can do this. But you have to try, you have to find the strength one more time."

She takes in a deep breath and her eyes are clearer than he's seen in a long time.

"What's next?"

* * *

They'd spent the remainder of her dreaming time brainstorming their options … among _other _things. He'd reasoned that, until she wakes and she can consult the Jedi texts, that wasn't _too _wasteful of their time together. Touching her … being near her, it does something to him, pulls him into her orbit and he never wants to leave. She's not the only one tempted by the dreaming.

When she wakes, it's the middle of the night, but instead of trying to go back to sleep, like he'd expected, she looks at him, really looks at him in the dim light.

"I'm sorry," she breathes out. "I … I feel like I'm truly awake for the first time since Exegol. I see now, Ben. I see."

He grins broadly, the relief so total. "You've had me so worried."

"I'm sorry for that, too." She reaches out and strokes along his incorporeal cheek and he can feel her warmth. But then she smiles crookedly. "Speaking of being awake, I'm _hungry_."

Beyond pleased, he follows her to the galley and happily watches her utterly destroy three rehydrated meals. She's picked flavorful stew, nerf roast, and a spicy seafood dish. He sits next to her, grinning like an idiot.

"It makes me so happy to see you eat," he admits.

"I forgot, for a while, that food could be good."

"I'm going to take you to the finest restaurants," he promises. There's one on Coruscant that does a ten-course meal that he doesn't dare try to reproduce. It was the most decadent dinner of his life, and he knows it's one of the first things he wants her to experience.

"Well, we'll still have my dreams while we search," she suggests.

"I know, but I still plan to show you the whole galaxy once I can."

"That'll be hard if I'm pregnant," she quips.

"We'll take our time. Anyway, I'll have to marry you first." His eyes widen. That's really not how he'd meant to bring that up.

Rey looks at him while chewing heartily and swallows. Her face is utterly perplexed. "Aren't we … aren't we already?"

It's Ben's turn to feel confused. He'd certainly asked her enough times, but as far as he can remember, they'd not actually taken that step, so he just stares at her.

She makes a bashful little smile. "I mean … what else does it mean to have one soul?"

He sits back, a bit stunned. She's right. They couldn't possibly be more tethered, and yet he still wants to see her in her wedding dress.

"You're right, of course," he acknowledges. "But consider the honeymoon!"

"What's that?" she asks curiously.

Right. Obviously she wouldn't know. "I think I'll keep that as a surprise," he says playfully, his mind already spinning with possibilities.

Her expression dims. "I do hate not being able to touch you all the time."

"I do, too."

A wistful feeling settles over them both and Ben shakes his head. No, he's not letting them fall back into that sad place and he stands swiftly.

"Let's go look at the stars."

* * *

"It does feel good to be outside," she acknowledges, pulling a shawl around her shoulders with her good arm.

"So, no more sleeping tablets?" he asks.

"No, I'm done with that. I just … I got so lost."

"And I found you."

"I think you'll always find me," she says with a confidence that heartens him. He wants her to know like she knows how to breathe that he will never leave her. Her years of being abandoned are over.

He looks up at the stars, taking in the vastness of the galaxy. Thinking about it now, trying to rule such an expanse seems like a ridiculous undertaking and he frowns. Watching Rey begin to face her past makes him see that he, too, must walk the path of history.

But not tonight. Tonight, he can focus on the near future, on Rey.

"I'd better get started looking through the texts."

"But … it's night. I don't want your sleep schedule to fall apart."

"I think it's a little late for that. Don't worry. I'll be okay."

She turns and starts trudging back to the _Falcon_ and he follows, hoping she's right.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, for being such an amazing editor. You tell me the things I need to hear in just the right way.

Thank you, Readers! I'm hoping to post one more chapter this week. It's not one a day, but three isn't so bad? You are an amazing group of readers and I'm so lucky you give me your time!


	16. Chapter 16

_Before_

Their sabers clash, making his arms vibrate with the impact. _Good_. It feels _so good_ to dance with her again.

And this time, he won't go easy on her. There's no bowcaster wound to slow him down, and he's brimming with dark power as he relentlessly strikes at her blade. Not her. Never her. But she _will _learn the strength of the dark side.

Her face has begun to grow afraid, her movements sloppy. She's getting dangerously tired and Kylo knows that soon, soon she will have to surrender. To him. To the dark. It is the only way.

Rey stumbles and Kylo tangles her saber with his own, casting his grandfather's blade into the darkness. Now she's disarmed and helpless, her eyes wide with fear as she flinches from his descending lightsaber.

"Oh, Rey … don't you know that I'd never hurt you?" he purrs as he pulls back his attack, extinguishing his saber and replacing it on his belt.

She blinks up at him and he seizes her by the shoulders, pulling her to him, kissing her roughly, claiming her. The moan she makes into his mouth is absolutely filthy. "Yes," he croons. "Feel what the dark side can give you."

Grinding his hardness against her, he pins her hands to the wall, her wrists above her head. Oh, he likes her like this, so beautifully _vulnerable._ He savors her desire tinged with shame and gorges himself on her light.

It takes very little coaxing before she's writhing against him, his other hand traveling the length of her body. He reaches her belt and swiftly turns her around, moving the hand holding her wrists around her throat. Deftly, he dips his fingers into her tight, wet heat and strokes her quickly. It doesn't take much to make her ready.

WIth no ceremony, he bends her over and rips down her leggings, taking only a moment to appreciate the view of her glistening pink folds as he frees his raging erection before he's plunging into her in one brutal thrust.

He sets a punishing pace, pulling her by her hips to deepen his reach. He wants to _wreck_ her.

"You—are—mine!" he bellows as he bottoms out, as far inside her as it's possible to be. Kylo never wants to leave.

"Yes! I'm yours, I'm yours, Ben!"

Kylo's eyes pop open as he tumbles out of his detailed fantasy, his hand around his cock and his mind a storm. Why … how … Not _that name._

Suddenly embarrassed to have taken his hardness in hand in the middle of the day, he tucks himself back into his trousers as best he can with how hard he still is. Gods, he's getting reckless. He's on his throne and anyone could have come in. Yes, they don't tend to bother him, but it was risky at best.

Stalking to his research station, he pulls up every single record he can even think of on the history of the Jedi and the Sith. He has to find out what binds he and Rey. The fantasies are getting stronger, darker, more lascivious. He must pull her into the dark with him, for the alternative is a lifetime of this madness.

* * *

Flipping through records, one makes him stop. Exegol … he hasn't seen more than vague references to the fabled planet in years. It had taken him hours to crack into this old database from the Empire, but it's yielding such results. He almost lets himself get sidetracked into finding out more about the world, but then something catches his eye.

Twin stars. Trapped in orbit. He goes to the record, something partial, but gleaned from an old Jedi holocron. It had been Empire policy to strip all data before destroying them and Kylo has managed to stumble onto a treasure trove of information.

At first, he nearly moves on, but then he realizes it's not about stars at all. No … it's … could it be? Is this what he and Rey are?

He keeps reading avidly.

_One soul, two bodies … Tied together forever … Intense connection … Beyond lovers, beyond family._

_Dyad._

Sitting back, his jaw goes slack. The Force is screaming at him that this is it. This is what happened to them. Though … no … they were born this way.

The thought fills him with fire and purpose. She won't be able to refuse him, not now.

Not ever.

Rey was born his.

_Now_

"Ugh," she huffs out before slumping over the dejarik table. The splint came off yesterday but she's still sore.

"Turn this page, please," Ben asks her, ignoring how she's hiding her face in her elbow.

She lifts her head and reaches to the book Ben has been studying, turning the page for him.

"Are you getting anywhere?" she asks.

He wants to tell her yes, that he's making some headway. But they're almost all the way through the texts and they've found nothing. Every time they come across something encouraging, it always, always indicates that the knowledge is forbidden.

Sighing, he shakes his head. "No … I think … I think it's time for us to leave Jakku."

She's been strangely reticent to leave the dunes. Rey is much more her old self, but she's still cautious. Like her newly healed arm, she guards her scars, both recent and old.

Her eyes flit about the room. "I know … I know it's … odd. But I feel safe here."

"It's not odd at all, sweetheart. You did grow up here."

She scoffs lightly. "It's more that I know where the threats are. They make sense. Out there ..." Shaking her head, she stands from the table. "You're right. It's time to get away from this junkyard."

A huge part of him wants to start showing her special places right now, outside of her dreams. But the saner half … quarter? asserts itself and he cautiously suggests, "The Resistance?"

Her eyes go wide and she quickly moves her head back and forth.

"Maybe they'll know something?" he suggests.

She just rolls her eyes. "Yes, because they're known to have extensive knowledge of Jedi lore."

He inclines his head in agreement. "But wouldn't you like to see your friends?"

"No," she says shortly, but BB-8 whistles shrilly and Rey's face falls in guilt.

"It's two against one," Ben offers, trying humor.

The withering look she gives him makes it clear _that_ didn't work.

"Ahch-To," she says definitively. "Maybe there's something in Master Skywalker's hut."

It's not the worst idea, and if he's honest, he'd like to actually _see_ her island.

"I'm not giving up on you seeing your friends," he warns her.

She just waves his concerns away with her hand and begins readying the _Falcon _to leave.

* * *

As soon as she powers up the ship, the air is filled with a high, rapid alert. She quickly silences the invasive sound, but it's too late. Ben knows what that means. Rey has messages. Lots of them, from the sound of it.

"Rey … you should listen to those."

"It'll just be Finn. And probably Poe."

"You did tell Dameron that you'd check-in, tell him where you'd settled."

"I know. But if I'd told him Jakku, he would have told Finn and they would have shown up in less than a day."

"Would that have been so bad?" he asks cautiously.

"Yes," she says shortly.

"What if something's wrong?" Last he knew, they were still cleaning up insidious cells of First Order loyalists. "We'd never hear anything on Jakku," he reminds her.

"I …" She nibbles on her bottom lip, her eyes finally showing engagement. "We'll check the holonet as soon as we're in orbit."

It's not ideal, but he'll take it. "Alright, Rey."

* * *

"Well?" he asks as she's sitting in the captain's chair, perusing the news feeds while waiting for the _Falcon_ to calculate the jump to Ahch-To.

"They've formed a provisional government, but it's not planetside. They're mobile, on a cruiser named …" Rey's eyes fill with tears and she breathes in sharply. "Organa. They named it Organa."

Total stillness fills Ben's chest. He doesn't think or feel, he's stunned frozen. The finality of it all, that his mother is dead, no longer leading the fight. With a sharp breaking feeling, he comes unstuck from time. It hurts.

Yes, he could see her in a moment, but it's not the same as experiencing her vibrance, her sheer force of will. How he wishes he could go back and watch her wrangle the senate with clear, untainted eyes.

He feels the warmth of her stroking the outline of his form and turns his head to find her standing right next to him.

"Oh, Ben," she croons.

"It's fine," he says, though it's not. If only he'd fought back sooner, gone _home_.

Rey frowns deeply. "You don't have to hide from me."

"I … I'm just not ready to talk about my mother."

"Maybe tonight? When I can touch you? Hold you?"

The thought of being in Rey's arms makes something inside him crack and all he can do is nod.

* * *

By the time they reach Ahch-To, he feels much more centered, pushing the chaos of his family history back into the tight little fortress in his heart.

It's decidedly odd to see where Rey had been when they'd first connected. His memories begin to integrate, and he can see her as she must have been, the waves crashing, the water cascading through the bond.

She peers up at the setting sun. "It's going to get cold soon. But … I'd like to show you something, if I can."

He follows her to one of the stout little stone huts. Was she in one of these the night she'd confided in him? The night they'd touched hands?

That girlish quality she gets from time to time is in full force when she stops in front of a structure to the edge of the cliff. She points at it and says, "It's been rebuilt. This is where …" She trails off and she's actually blushing.

Standing close to her, he murmurs, "What is it, why are you so shy?"

"That … that was when I first knew. Knew you were still Ben. Knew I could love you."

Then she's turning and going into the little hut and he follows her. She begins to build a fire and he realizes she intends to sleep here.

"Wouldn't the _Falcon_ be more comfortable?"

Rey shrugs. "Probably, but this place … it's special."

"Force, I can't wait to touch you," he breathes out, suddenly very eager for her to fall asleep. It's a special sort of torment, spending every day with her but not being able to touch. He'd lived most of his life without much human affection, but now it's as if he aches any time he doesn't have her in his arms, her hand in his.

It had been difficult to focus on the Jedi texts, so easy to lose himself in fantasy. _That's_ something that hasn't gone away. It appears to simply be what Rey does to him.

* * *

She flies into his arms the second he joins her in her sleep. There's an intensity, a thickness of emotion that has him concerned.

"What is it?" he asks into her hair.

"Just, being here. Remembering."

He hums his agreement. This is where it really began, where they grew close. Where he began to understand just what Rey means to him.

Cupping her face, he tilts it up so that her eyes are pinned by his. "When we touched hands, it was like the entire galaxy unfurled before me. I saw so far, so deep."

"It was like dancing at the center of creation."

"Maybe that's what we are," he whispers. "Remnants of the beginning, still bound."

Then he's kissing her like a drowning man, his feelings so intense he needs her to ground him again, lest he expand into stardust.

Somehow, she reaches inside him and finds all the parts worth salvaging. His little scavenger, knowing just how to fix everything. Including him.

He pulls away, needing to tell her something. "After … after the _Supremacy_, it hurt so much to remember what it felt like to truly connect with you, but I could never stop thinking about it, never stop needing you."

"Neither could I. It was …"

"I know, I know." He captures her lips again, so desperate to just feel her. It's not even about making love with her, it's about that blessed connection that defines him, now.

* * *

They lay next to the fire on a blanket—naked, warm and cozy and oh so sated. Idly, he wonders if he'll ever stop burning for her. He doesn't think so.

She never does ask about his mother again, and he's grateful. The days are so full of study and debate that he needs the nights to simply bask in her, drift in her currents. She's not the only one healing from being ripped away from each other.

* * *

Rey yawns and stretches in the early morning light and it makes Ben smile. This was exactly how she looked when they first saw each other through their bond. Then she winces.

"What is it?" he asks curiously.

"I'm sorry I tried to shoot you."

Ben smirks. "I don't know if you're aware, but you always draw your weapon first. I have never once been the aggressor."

"What? No, that can't be true." Her brow furrows and she's thinking hard.

"Ah ha! You drew it first in the forest, when you stopped us getting to the _Falcon!_"

Ben crosses his arms. "That was just to get your attention! I never pointed it at you!"

"And you threw me against that tree."

That makes him somber. He'd been in pain and out of control. He'd never meant to throw her so hard. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

"Oh, Ben … stop. It doesn't matter what we've done. Yes, you're right, I was a little … quick to pull my weapon, but … on Jakku …" she says sadly.

He takes in a deep breath. "You're right, you're right. It's the past."

She smiles up at him. "What I care about is the future! Come on!"

Rey bounds out of the hut and he follows close behind.

She comes to a stop in front of a metal door, different than the others. There's hesitation in her bearing and she turns to him. "This was Master Skywalker's. I … could you maybe go ask him if this is alright?"

He's really not prepared to talk with his uncle, the last meeting so difficult. Though he might be more bearable now that his mother has gotten her hands on him.

"I'm sure he won't mind," Ben says gently. "Jedi aren't known for being attached to items."

Her lips pull into a conflicted frown, but then her expression clears. "If you're sure."

"I'm sure."

They enter his hut and find it clean and tidy. Who is keeping up these structures, anyway? Would _they _know anything?

Rey's fingers ghost over the few items on a small shelf, then she strokes a necklace of some kind with a red crystal. She yelps and pulls her hand back swiftly.

"Rey?" he calls out urgently.

"It … that necklace, it was so … sad."

Ben peers at it more closely and breathes in sharply. "It's made of kyber. I think … I think this was a piece of my grandfather's kyber crystal." Luke had told him about it once but would never show him. Likely because the crystal was no longer blue and that would have invited far too many questions. He lets the bitterness flow through him and takes a deep breath.

"Do you … you want it?"

His cheek twitches. "It doesn't matter. He never talked to me. It was always the Emperor."

"Not even … now?"

Ben smiles sadly. "No, not even now. But, as I said. It doesn't matter. The relationship I imagined with him was a delusion, a fantasy fed by a sick old man. He doesn't owe me anything."

Rey frowns. "I'm not sure I agree about that."

She pockets the necklace.

* * *

She searches the rest of the structures, her scavenger instincts in high gear. But they find nothing.

Then he sees something that looks like a burned out ... TIE? He goes closer to investigate.

Once it comes into full view, he sputters, "You burned my ship?!"

Rey comes to stand next to him, making a face. "I was having a really bad day! I'd just almost killed my soulmate and had found out I'm descended from a monster. It made sense at the time."

His lips flatten. "In less than a day you destroyed my two best ships."

"Well you shouldn't have been trying to capture me!"

A huge part of him wants to argue, remembers the hunger, remembers how out of his mind he was at that point. He couldn't perceive another course of action. All there had been was a constant beat of, "Rey, Rey, Rey," in his head.

But then she looks a little bit guilty. "Though stranding you was … not my finest moment." Her expression shifts to anger. "I wish I'd never used your wayfinder to go to Exegol."

Then her head cocks to the side. "How _did_ you find it? Master Skywalker's journal led me to the other one, but …"

Then it hits him like lightning bolt. The First Order Archives! He really must start thinking more clearly.

"I know what we need to do," he says excitedly.

"Yeah?"

"But first … we really are going to have to contact your friends."

The looks she gives him makes him grateful he's incorporeal at the moment.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, who always makes time for my ramblings.

Thank you, Readers! Hope to be back Monday, but maybe Tuesday. I have a fellow Reylo coming to visit for the Chewbacchus Mardi Gras parade next weekend, so there will be another break in writing. We're going to scream our Reylo heads off!

Thank you for sticking with me, my beautiful and generous readers. Every time I get to talk with one of you, I'm always impressed by how kind and intelligent you all are.


	17. Chapter 17

"I told you no," she argues angrily. They're still standing in front of his burnt-out TIE.

"But we need your friends' help."

"Why?" she practically whines.

"The answers we need, they might be in the First Order archives," he explains.

Rey swears colorfully and Ben's eyebrows rise. Usually she keeps her Huttese vocabulary to when he has his face between her thighs.

"We'll need their help— "

"—help to access the records. Yeah, I get it." She huffs out a loud breath, stirring the curls framing her face.

* * *

Rey flops down in the captain's chair, obviously in a _very_ touchy mood, so he keeps his counsel. He really does think she should listen to her messages.

"Well, I guess I have to contact them, find out where they even are."

"Mmmhmm," he hums out mildly_. Listen to the messages, Rey. They probably told you where they are._

Now it's getting very difficult not to push her, but she sighs dramatically and holds his eyes as she flips the switch, displaying the index of communications.

Her eyes bulge and she says, "There are 14 holos and 27 voice comminiques."

Finally, he can't keep his mouth shut any longer. "Maybe pull up the last holo?"

"I know," she scoffs with bad grace.

Then a forlorn looking Finn starts to speak. "Hey, Rey … I guess you haven't gotten my other messages … uhm, we're headed to Cathne next. If you want to check-in, your code hasn't changed. Just … just tell me you're okay?"

He rubs his neck and sighs, as he bends forward to end the recording. The holo of Finn blinks out.

Her bearing has changed completely, her spine hunched over as if she's protecting herself. "I … I didn't mean for him to worry," she whispers.

"I know, sweetheart, but he cares about you. And you need to see them, I think."

BB-8 whistles excitedly and Ben is grateful for the little droid. He always manages to make Rey's mood lift, no matter how dark it grows.

"Yeah, BB-8, we're going to see Poe," she says with resignation.

* * *

"I'm trying to find Finn," she says through the comm, her frustration beginning to show. She's been arguing with various officers for the last 30 minutes.

"The magistrate?" the voice asks with incredulity.

"I don't know! Last I knew, he was General Finn."

"Ma'am, he's a very busy man, perhaps you'd like to leave a message—"

"No, I don't want to leave a message! Just tell him it's Rey, Zed Alpha 936."

"Hmmm, I know all of his personal friends—"

"Rey, his best friend Reyi!" she yells.

"Wait, did you say Zed Alpha 936?"

"Yes!" Rey cries out in exasperation.

"Oh, Maker. I'm so sorry, my lady. Please accept my apologies. I'll patch you through right away."

She throws up her hands and rolls her eyes. "Finally," she mutters. Then she makes a funny face. "My lady?"

"Rey, stars, Rey, is it really you?" Finn's voice fills the cockpit.

"Yeah … listen, I'm sorry—"

"Are you okay? I've been so worried about you! Poe, Poe, get over here. It's Rey!"

Poe's voice carries over the comm, clearly farther away. "Rey! About damned time. Hey, how's my droid?" he yells.

Rey laughs, a genuine, real laugh, making Ben smile.

"It's really good to hear your voices," and Ben mouths, _Told you._ He knows his bondmate, down to her marrow. Rey may have been a creature of solitude, but it's not who she really is.

"Where _are_ you?" Finn entreats.

"Ahch-To, but I was thinking we'd come see you."

Ben looks at her sharply, certain she doesn't realize what she's said.

"We, you mean you and BB-8?" Poe asks keenly.

"Y-yeah. Of-of course," Rey stutters out, wincing.

"Well, right now we're orbiting Cathne, should be here another week or so," Finn says.

"W-_I'll_ be there tomorrow."

Finn's voice is full of happiness when he instructs, "Just give them your code. I'll make sure they expect you to be docking."

"That reminds me, magistrate?"

"We … we have some catching up to do," Finn evades.

* * *

They're in hyperspace and Rey is finishing up her dinner. She's been very good about eating regular meals and he hasn't had to remind her once. He's hoping there will be fresh food once they get to Cathne. She loves the rehydrated rations, so much better than portions, but he'd still like to see her eat something not several years old.

"You haven't sketched in a long time," he remarks.

"Oh, well … I get to see your face every day, now."

"Maybe now you'd manage to make me look right," he teases.

"Hey! I'll have you know that's exactly as I see you."

"I know," he says with a smile. "But I'm not even remotely that handsome."

Her face falls. "Oh, Ben … why would you think that?"

Shrugging, he doesn't say anything. How can he explain how he'd never, ever fit in? That he still sees that gangly boy with huge ears?

"Well, _I_ think you're the sexiest thing I've ever seen," she says with a crooked grin.

He manages to smile, pushing away his insecurity. "Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah," she agrees.

"Maybe you'll show me later?" he asks suggestively.

"Maybe. Though I thought I'd say up and read for a bit."

His face falls. "Oh … okay." Maybe he should give her some space … besides, he hasn't spoken with his mother in days. "Did you … did you want to be alone?"

"Ben," she says with an indulgent smile. "I'm _teasing_."

With that, she begins to strip while he watches eagerly.

* * *

He finds himself right back on the _Falcon_ when he joins her in the dreaming, and she pats the bed with a hungry look. Ben lifts the blanket to find that she's already naked and he swiftly pulls off his clothes, getting into bed next to her.

The first touch of her skin against his is always a shock. The very best kind. It's like sliding into warm water, drinking hot chocolate, coming _home_.

All he can do is sigh out her name before asking, "Did you want me to show you something tonight?"

Her expression is wickedness itself. "If we have time."

* * *

Ben uses some choice language when he's forcibly ejected from her dream, right when he was about to fill her for the third time that night. He's extremely disoriented and frankly, pissed off. At least she'd already found her release. He rather likes that he can pull so many orgasms from her body.

But the proximity alert is blaring, and he realizes they've come out of hyperspace.

Rey is scrambling up from bed. "Bantha spit," she swears, throwing on a robe as she rushes to the cockpit. "I can't believe I slept through the hyperspace chime!"

She guides the _Falcon_ into orbit and sets it on autopilot. Giving him a saucy wink, she says in a husky voice, "I'd say, _where were we_, but I probably shouldn't go back to sleep."

His sense of profound unfulfillment tells him otherwise, but he sighs, knowing she's right. "You probably want to put something on."

"You don't want me to wander around the starship in my robe?" she asks innocently.

"No," he growls. "This delectable body is just for me."

"Always," she agrees, and he draws his ghostly hand down her back, making her shiver.

* * *

"Rey!" Finn shouts before he's running towards her. Ben follows a few paces behind and steels himself for Finn and Dameron's affection. He doesn't really know what to think about the two men. He'd wronged them both, and that's going to be a reckoning when he's back. Because he's coming back, he's sure of it.

Finn lifts her up and spins her around the deck, before passing her off to Dameron, who does the same damned thing. Ben glowers and tries to keep from letting it get to him out of sorts. It's not working.

BB-8 whistles loudly, making a beeline for Dameron, nearly knocking the man over.

That's when Ben notices that her friends are in decidedly better clothing, both wearing smart uniforms made of the best quality fabrics. What in the galaxy has happened to this rag-tag group of rebels?

Dameron goes to his knees, making a truly nauseating display over his droid and Ben can't help but roll his eyes. Yes, the orange sphere of frustration has grown on him, but have some decorum, man!

"Oh, stop it, you big grump," Rey says, then panic fills her eyes.

"Big grump?" Dameron asks in confusion.

"Uhm, right … is there somewhere we can go talk?"

Ben blinks. He didn't think she planned on sharing his current state with her friends.

This should be interesting.

* * *

They'd ushered her into an empty conference room and they're all standing in front of the viewport.

"He's what?!" Dameron explodes. "That maniac is on my ship?!"

"Well, not really. He's here, but … not," Rey equivocates.

Gesturing wildly, Poe spits, "That makes no sense. And why can't I see him?"

"I honestly don't know. Maybe because you don't have the Force."

"Yeah, but I do, and I can't see him, either," Finn interjects.

"Oh … right, I forgot," Rey says sheepishly.

"What the hell is going on, Rey!" Dameron yells. "Do I need to call the guards? Is he listening to us?"

Ben snorts and crosses his arms. Though he supposes he might react the same way if their positions were reversed.

"Is this because of that dyad thing?" Finn asks, much more calmly, but still with an edge.

"Yes, we think so. It's why we're here."

"Dyad? The what now?" Dameron asks.

Rey cocks her head at Finn. "You didn't tell him?"

"You didn't say I could," he says with a falsely casual shrug.

Dameron stalks over to the head of the large conference table and sits angrily. "Okay, someone start explaining. Now."

Rey looks over at Ben and sighs, but she takes a chair to Poe's left.

* * *

Someone brought in a pitcher of caf and Ben knows_ he'd_ want something stronger, but Rey is on her third cup, making her hands shake a bit.

"Let me get this straight. You want our help to bring_ Kylo Ren _back?" Dameron asks with ill-disguised horror.

"For the fifth time, his name is Ben Solo."

Dameron scoffs and sits back, throwing up his hands. "Oh, well I guess everything is alright then." Warily, he looks around the room. "Where is he, anyway?"

"He's standing behind me," Rey informs them.

Ben can't help but chuckle at how both men draw away and share a look of apprehension.

Dameron looks to where he thinks Ben is and snarls, "The only reason I'd help you come back is if I could throw you in prison for the rest of your stars-be-damned life."

"Poe, wait," Finn finally interjects. He'd been strangely quiet, letting Rey share their story, his expression only speculative.

"Rey, do you even know what you need is in the old First Order archives?" Finn asks.

"No," she says miserably, and Ben goes to her side so he may see her face. Her lips are trembling and she's close to tears.

"Oh, sweetheart," Ben murmurs.

Dashing at her eyes, she insists, "I'm _fine_, Ben."

"Yeah, that's weird," Dameron says.

Finn leans forward with imploring hands. "Come on, Poe. Try and see it from her point of view. This is her soulmate."

"_This is Kylo Ren_," Dameron growls.

"Stop calling him that! Stop it! Stop it!" Rey cries out and before Ben even knows what's happening, she's rushing from the conference room.

* * *

He finds her in the corridor outside, her arms around her legs and her face hidden between her knees.

Ben crouches in front of her, wishing he could hold her. "Rey, my love."

Maybe he shouldn't have encouraged her to come here, but it's too late. "Rey? he tries again.

Finally, she lifts her head. "They don't understand," she whispers. "They don't know how much I need you."

"How could they? No one could possibly fathom who we are to each other. I'm still amazed every day by how connected I feel to you."

"I want to go back to the _Falcon, _take a tablet. I need you," she repeats with pleading eyes.

Fear shoots up his spine. "You still have them?" he asks, trying to sound gentle.

She shrugs. "I don't like to waste things."

"Tonight, tonight I'll hold you for as long as you want. But you can't. It's not good for you."

"I don't care!" she says with a touch of venom.

"You do, though. You know you do." He doesn't know what he'll do if she starts to waste away again.

He's impossibly relieved when she nods, even if it is a bit sullenly. "They aren't going to help us."

"We don't know that. I think … I think Finn is going to surprise you."

As if conjured, the door snicks open and Finn passes right through Ben as he takes the same position in front of Rey. Ben leaps back, the sensation distinctly odd.

Finn puts his arms around her and Rey melts into him. Ben tries not to let it bother him, but it's killing him to not be able to be the one comforting her. He truly doesn't know where to look next if there's nothing in the archives. He knows his heart wouldn't survive disappointing her like that.

She clings to Finn like her life depends on it. Perhaps it does. He's going to have to convince her to get rid of those damned sleeping tablets, immediately.

After a long while, Finn pulls back. "Rey, sweetie, it's gonna be okay. I think Poe will really listen now."

Rey sniffles lightly. "He _hates_ Ben."

Finn's expression grows hard. "Well, I'm not sure_ I_ can ever forgive him for what he did to me. I still have a scar the length of my back."

Ben scrubs at his face with his hands, beginning to comprehend that things will get very complicated once he's back. Will they even give him a chance to prove himself? Will this all be in vain?

He hadn't thought about that. Countless systems would have reason to want to see him tried. Even executed. Gods, what he comes back to her, only to be ripped from her again? She'd never recover, in this life or the next.

"But Snoke, or Palpatine, whoever, he was in his head, all that time! He groomed Ben, hurt him. It wasn't his fault!" Rey pleads.

Finn and Ben both say, "Yes, it was," at the same time.

Rey looks back and forth between them but doesn't say anything.

"What did you say to Poe to make him ready to listen?"

"I reminded him that Ben Solo was, _is_, Leia Organa's son."

* * *

Back in the conference room, Dameron sits with his arms crossed in front of his chest, but he's no longer bellowing.

"So, he really sacrificed himself to save you?" Dameron asks, obviously putting great effort into staying calm.

"Without hesitation," Rey says firmly.

"And you don't know this will work …" the former pilot asks with something approaching hope in his tone.

Rey's face crumples and her shoulders fall. "We don't even know what we need to do. But we have to try. Please, help us. Help _me._"

Ben desperately wishes he could talk to them, explain what was happening to Rey without him. He's not sure she can function with this bifurcated existence. Besides, now that he's had the fantasy, he wants their children so badly. If that's even possible with his past …

Dameron sighs, loudly, and frowns. He unfolds his arms and looks at his hands for a long time. Eventually, he sits back in his chair. "Oh, what the hell. Yeah, okay. We'll help."

Rey leaps from her chair and wraps her arms around Dameron's neck. "Thank you!"

Then she steps away and looks back and forth between her friends. "Now, will someone please explain to me this magistrate business? And why did that officer call me, 'my lady'?"

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, who edited TWO chapters for me today! Rock. Star.

Thank you, Readers! I've started another fic. I know, I know. But I won't be abandoning this and plan to write them in tandem. The other is called 'Lovesick' and is posted here on FF. It features a 19-year-old Ben and a time travelling Rey. Come on by and meet Besotted Ben and Reluctant Rey!

Thank you all so much for reading! I wish we could all come up with a drinking game for TRoS, then heckle the screen together. It would be cathartic. Or we'd all be sobbing into our cups.


	18. Chapter 18

"I'm … I'm what?" Rey asks dumbly while Ben processes what they've just been told.

"Lady Organa, Leia left you all her lands and titles, but because you aren't a blood relation, you can't be a princess," Finn explains.

Rey's hand flies over her mouth and she begins to giggle with a hysterical edge. They're all still seated around the conference table and Dameron and Finn share a concerned look.

Then she looks over at Ben who stands behind her left shoulder and asks, "Does that mean the lake house now belongs to me?"

It feels right that his mother had done this. Rey deserves to be the holder of the Organa fortune. "Sounds like it. I'll just have to marry you to get my titles back," he teases.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem," she responds with a smile.

"That, right there. That's gotta stop," Dameron says with a grimace.

Rey calms and looks at Dameron like he's dim. "I'm not going to stop talking to him just because it makes you uncomfortable. What are you going to do when he's back?"

"Trying not to think about that, thank you," Dameron says with a perturbed expression.

"Maybe we'll ask him to give the bride away," Ben says with glee.

But Rey looks at him quizzically. "Huh?"

"I'll explain later," he says, now imagining all the ways he could needle her Resistance friends. Finn would make an excellent best man.

The man in question is inspecting his fingernails when Rey's attention goes to him. "And you! Explain, Magistrate Finn."

"Do I have to? Ask Poe about why he's Minister Dameron!"

Rey's head swivels and she looks back and forth between them rapidly. "Yeah, okay. Spill."

Both men sigh as if they're the most put upon people in the galaxy. Dameron is the first to speak. "Well, see … it was like this. There's still a lot of First Order people out there and we really didn't want to have it turn into a war of attrition. That would take years and be very bloody. We proposed they elect a representative if we didn't hold trials or kill them on sight."

Rey's face screws up in confusion. "And they elected Finn?"

Dameron snickers. "They didn't realize we'd count the stormtroopers in the vote."

Now it's Ben's turn to laugh. At first, it's just a little titter, but soon he's doubled over, hooting and gasping with laughter. Hux would _hate _that. He sobers a bit as he realizes he doesn't know if he lived or died.

"So, you represent the First Order?" Rey asks, sounding impressed and a little horrified.

"I know!" Finn throws his hands up. "Joke's on me, right?"

"Well, you have to admit, you tried so hard to get away from them."

"At least now I'm able to help the people swept up into this through no fault of their own. Turns out the stormtroopers make up most of who's left."

Rey nods and places her hand on Finn's. "I'm proud of you."

Finn only shrugs and looks away.

Rey's eyes grow keen and she asks Dameron. "And you, Minister Dameron?"

"After the Battle of Exegol, someone had to lead. They picked me. Surprise!" he says with a grin.

Rey groans out, "They don't know you very well, do they."

"Hey!" he spouts as BB-8 whistles out what almost sounds like a droid laughing.

"So, what does this mean? For the galaxy?"

"Peace for now … the rest, well we're working on it," says Dameron.

"And you have access to the archives?"

Dameron looks over to Finn. "Magistrate?"

Finn grimaces. "It might take some time to arrange. They're probably on Atalyn, but they're still … touchy about sharing intel. I'll have to come up with a reason. I don't think telling them the last of the Jedi wants to bring back her boyfriend is gonna cut it."

Rey frowns. "He's so much more than my _boyfriend_."

Sighing Finn says sadly, "I know, Rey. I know."

* * *

Finn and Dameron walk Rey to her guest quarters and just as they reach the door, Dameran makes a funny face. "Uh … does _he_ need a place to stay?"

"Oh, no, he'll stay with me," Rey says casually and both men look vaguely green.

But Dameron recovers himself first. "Huh. How does _that_ work."

Rey grins wickedly. "Do you really want me to answer that question?"

Opening the door, Finn rushes to say, "Nope, he doesn't. Does he," he says pointedly to Dameron.

"Well—"

"_Does he._" The pilot's mouth snaps shut and Finn huffs out a breath before entering the quarters, beckoning them to follow.

As soon as she crosses the threshold she gasps. The rooms are quite generous, with little Alderaanian touches throughout the suite, like the gauzy curtains hanging to partition the space and the art on the walls.

It makes Ben realize he needs to see his mother. Talk to her, just to be in her presence. Maybe while Rey is getting ready to have dinner with her friends he'll slip to the non-place.

Finn goes to the closet and gestures inside. "You should find something you'll like, if you want to change."

Rey looks down on her dusty desert clothing. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Dameron shrugs and says, "Nothin', but you might feel out of place. Things have gotten downright odd around here. Makes people feel safe to put on a bit of a show and tonight there's a delegation from Coruscant." Dameron makes a face. "They're _fancy_," he says with a stage whisper.

"Yeah, the uniforms make the First Order people comfortable," Finn offers.

"Well, you both look very nice. How much time do I have to change?"

"Dinner is in three hours. Take a nap, relax. Finn'll come get you," Dameron says easily as both men take their leave.

Rey stands in the middle of the room, looking a bit stunned. But then she makes a funny little smile. "Lady Rey, huh?"

"Well … I did always want to make you Lady Rey to my Lord Ren." Then he realizes what he's managed to allude to, and he quickly says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"

"It's alright. It's not like we don't have a past." Then she yawns hugely. "I actually am pretty tired after … everything. Maybe I _will _take a nap."

Ben perks up immediately. A nap sounds like an excellent idea. But first, he has something to attend to.

"Would you mind if I checked in with my mother? All this talk of her … I … I …"

"You miss her. Of course, Ben. Just don't keep me waiting too long," she says with an arched brow.

"Of course not," he says with a deep bow. "My lady."

"Do _not_ start doing that," Rey says with a grimace.

"You better get used to it. I'll make you a princess soon."

Rey kicks off her shoes and starts to get undressed for her nap. "Shoo. Go see Leia."

"I think I'll wait just a moment longer," he says with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Rey just laughs as she keeps pulling off her tunic.

* * *

"Ben," his mother says with a relieved tone.

"Hello, Mother," he responds. "I've … I've missed you."

"You've been busy."

That makes his eyes bulge. Does that mean she knows what he and Rey get up to?

"I didn't mean _that_, but you're just like your father, so I can figure it out all on my own."

"Mom!" he gasps.

"Oh, hush. How do you think we got you?"

Ben puts his hands over his ears and starts to chant, "La la la, I'm not listening."

When he senses quiet from his mother, he cautiously uncovers his ears.

Leia is looking at him with pursed lips. "Seriously, Son?"

"There are things I never, ever want to know."

"I'll make sure to tell your father. I'm certain he'll remind me of a few choice stories."

"Wait. You see Dad?" he asks, his heart seizing at the thought his father is still with his mother.

She smiles gently. "I do. I didn't know how to tell you. But you seem in such high spirits."

"I think we're on the right path," he says carefully.

"Tell me more," she entreats.

* * *

He joins Rey in her dreams and finds her immediately, pulling her into his arms as he's wanted to ever since her breakdown in the corridor.

"Are you alright?" he whispers into her ear.

"Mmmm, now I am," she purrs.

He pulls back slightly, looking into her face. "Are you really?"

She sighs. "Now that they've agreed to help, yes. I don't know what I would have done if they'd refused."

"I have trouble imagining Finn refusing you anything," he says with a touch of asperity.

"He's my best friend." Her lips pull into a slight frown.

"I know. And I think I might be beginning to like him, but that doesn't change the way he looks at you."

Rey bats at him. "I think you're imagining things."

Ben is pretty sure he isn't, but it isn't worth arguing over. There _is_ something worth arguing about, however.

"Changing the subject …"

She looks at him warily and he's sure she knows what he's going to say. "Yes?"

"You need to get rid of those tablets."

"What if there's an emergency?" she pushes back.

"I just don't like that you even have them. It concerns me."

"Look, I'm not going to endanger myself anymore, I know what's at stake."

"Then why not get rid of them?"

Her arms slide around his neck and she's pulling him down for a kiss. "We don't have much time until I need to wake up, let's not waste it."

Ben lets her distract him. It's not much of a trial.

* * *

It's a good thing that Ben had already helped Rey figure out the complicated fastenings of gowns in her dreams, because the dresses available are all quite similar.

Rey's hand glides over the fabric and stops at a long, deep green gown. She pulls it out and holds it up to herself.

"That looks like it should fit," Ben offers.

"I like the color."

"You should try it on," he urges. He's certain the green will do magnificent things to her eyes.

She's already in only her underthings from her nap, so she pulls the dress over her head. It's a long sheath with a very daring slit up her thigh. The a deceptively plain cut, with its long, elegant sleeves and swaths of fabric across her clavicle makes her natural beauty shine.

Maker, it _clings_ and Ben swallows thickly. He's not sure he wants her to wear this in public, with her creamy thigh so on display. "Do you like it?" he asks in a strangled tone.

"Yeah, I think I do. Now … what do I do with my hair without you to braid it?"

* * *

Ben glowers as they walk to this _dinner_. In the end, Rey had chosen to wear her hair down, brushing it until it hung in glossy waves. She looks _edible_ and he's not visible to anyone here. He can stand over them threateningly as much as he wants, but it won't do a damned thing.

Dameron sees Rey and Finn and darts over. "Whoa. Rey, you look stunning!"

"Ben helped me pick it out," she says with a sweet smile.

Dameron scowls. "Where is that psycho?" he asks, looking around as if he could find him.

"Right next to you," she says with a wicked smile. "And his name is Ben."

He actually jumps away and Rey cackles. Dameron is now even closer to him and he has to admit, this aspect of all of this ridiculousness _is_ rather fun.

"Other direction," she says with delight.

Dameron visibly shudders and scoots away.

"You're being an idiot," Finn remarks.

"Should we tell him he just slid through me?" Ben asks, and Rey only laughs.

But Finn misunderstands. "See, idiot."

"No argument from me," Rey says with surrendered hands.

"Yeah, yeah," Dameron scoffs. "Oh! Bast, join us!" the best pilot in the Resistance calls to a slight young man.

Obediently, the fresh-faced officer joins them.

"This is Rey, uh, Rey Organa."

It pleases Ben an inordinate amount to have her wear his mother's name. He'd been there when she'd claimed Skywalker, but that had never really made much sense to him. If anything, she should be a Solo. But he supposes his mother would have a great deal to say about _that_.

"This is Analyst Bast. He'll be accompanying you to Atalyn," Finn introduces the officer, with kindness in his eyes.

"And this," Dameron says eagerly. "Is Lady Rey Organa, Last Jedi and heir to Alderaan."

"Oh!" Bast exclaims, his eyes going so wide as to be comical. "I'm so grateful for this assignment. There's so much I can't wait to research! I don't know why we only have access to the basic archives, but—"

Dameron clears his throat, and Finn puts his hand on Bast's shoulder. "We're working on that. But for now, Lady Rey will need you to assist her to access the classified archives. The _dark_ archives," Finn says with heavy intimation.

"Yes, yes, of course, Lady Rey. Anything I can do to be helpful. I know there's so much lore that a Jedi would be fascinated by, perhaps on our way—"

"Yes, yes," Dameron interrupts the vibrating Analyst Bast. "You'll have a whole day in hyperspace to discuss it. Why don't you get our guest something to drink?"

Bast eagerly complies. "Yes, of course! The Benthen wine is perfection!" Then he swiftly removes himself and scurries off to the bar.

Rey looks at Finn and Dameron with a beleaguered expression. "Really? I need a baby-sitter?"

Personally, Ben thinks Analyst Bast could be an asset. Finn had already said this could be a delicate thing to arrange and having an official First Order representative can only help.

"It's not like that. This isn't … an easy request," Finn explains. "Yes, the First Order is working with us, but you're a tempting target. We're also arranging a stormtrooper guard."

"What?" Rey sputters while Ben is ecstatic. If he could, he'd hand-pick the troopers himself.

"Look, things are … tricky right now. We just want you safe."

"Do they still wear those stupid helmets?" Rey asks mulishly.

"Some of them, yes," Finn says with a sigh.

"Please don't fight us on this, for once in your life," Dameron says with a touch of frustration.

"They're right," Ben offers.

Huffing out an exasperated breath, Rey says, "Oh not you, too."

"Still weird!" Dameron chimes in.

"If … _he_ agrees with us, doesn't that say something?" Finn points out.

"Oh no, no ganging up."

"You need to be safe. It was a very precarious time after the Empire fell. They aren't trying to baby you; they're trying to protect you. You might be an exceptional fighter, but you're still just one person," Ben says, trying not to sound too patronizing.

Rey scowls but she nods. "Fine. But no helmets. They're creepy."

"Your wish is our command, my lady," Dameron says with a mocking bow.

"Oh, my _gods_," Rey sighs with rolled eyes.

* * *

A/N: Thank you, ArtemisBare, who is the very best cheerleader a girl could ask for!

Thank you, Readers! This will be the last chapter of 'Tethered' until mid-next week. A fellow Reylo is coming to visit so we'll be ripping TRoS to shreds and crying on each other's shoulders. I'm so grateful that folks are still here for this story and your feedback is simply marvelous. Blows kisses.


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